Chronicsuicidality

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Feeling good, this is new

I'm feeling pretty good today, and I was feeling pretty good yesterday too. I had an exam this morning that I only started studying for last night but I did really well. I was supposed to have a paper due for another class yesterday, but I emailed my professor and explained my situation about changing my meds and he gave me an extension until tomorrow night, and I'm almost done with that. I had my first appointment doing pilates based physical therapy yesterday morning and it went really well, my #ChronicPain has drastically decreased already. They were familiar with #MyofascialPainSyndrome and could see exactly what exactly was wrong. They started teaching me how to adjust my body, how to properly stand to minimize pain, etc. Today for the first time I felt like I had my pain managed pretty well. And it's amazing the effect on my mood, being in significantly less pain. I have severe #Depression with #Chronicsuicidality but I'm doing both regular therapy and DBT and I'm finally starting to change some of my self talk and how I treat myself. It's so new for me to even think about myself in positive terms, and for the first time I'm really assimilating the idea that I am going to keep living, and that I /want/ to keep living. Thoughts of suicide first appeared when I was 11/12, and I'm turning 22 this month. Idk, it's surreal. Sorry to ramble so much, just thought I'd share that I'm feeling pretty good!

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#Depression and #Chronicsuicidality

I guess this year I am more aware than ever that intrusive suicidal thoughts just happen to me. I've seen here or there that the psych community kind of debates suicidality as its own illness, rather than as just a symptom, and I could see how that is a more apt description for things in my life right now.

Understanding that I'm going to feel this way and have these thoughts doesn't make it improve much. I'm still here alone, I'm still crying, I'm still feeling like giving up.

Using my tools to take my awareness, understanding and putting it into an expectation, then coming up with a mental response to the bullying thoughts... that's a step in the right direction? I guess?

Ok, brain. I'm not putting up with this crying shit today. I've got more interesting things to do. I've got coloring and creating art with photos, collage, digital, whatever. I've got my book of Sudoku puzzles that somehow I've had since April 2008, wtf.

I've got friends to text. I've got parents nearby who always want to send me home with lots of homecooked leftovers. I've got a job to attend tomorrow and I want to help my clients. I've got a very fun, smart, loving partner and a healthy relationship and a healthy outlook.

I can do things and be with or talk to people. I can watch a movie and recite every line of dialogue. I do not have to put up with this abuse! Come on, brain! Listen to ME!

or just keep crying. that's also ok.

Start fresh tomorrow. I have Honey Ohs cereal with crunchies and flakes. I have my lamp for super bright super fun time light therapy. I have life.

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Swap lives?? Trigger warning.... #Depression

Has anyone felt the triteness of people saying “it gets better!! Hold on”??
I know people mean well, I absolutely do......but why do we say this to each other?? While yes, of course we’ll experience some happy moments, good days (in my case weeks of bliss) the fact is we’ll always go back to the depths of darkness. That’s what this illness is, I have stated before that it’s a virus, it doesn’t leave—either dormant or active—but always present. I have had chronic suicidality since the age of 13! I’m 42 now! It’s taken so much energy, will, protocols, everything you can possibly imagine (from most conventional to most woo woo)....I’ll type up all of it on another post. The point is I manifested everything awesome in my life AND the virus (entity??) never leaves......my point is that you can have it all (love, kids, career, unlimited free time, purpose, looks, health, ease, joy, bliss, money) and still be trapped by the demon of depression (and any of its friends)......I no longer want the things I manifested....I want to live ALONE, in a tiny house in the woods, nothing to call my own, no people in my life, just be. Anyone else feel this way??? That genuinely having it all (and I don’t mean materialistic stuff but true freedom) is still not enough??? #Depression #SuicidalIdeation #freedom #Anxiety #Swaplives #Chronicsuicidality

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