Colon Cancer

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Colon Cancer
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    Not doing well

    Health issues and work issues. I am mentally not great. I feel myself slipping away and I don't know what to do. I am trying to hold on and get through the rough times. But I want to give up. When I say give up I don't know what I mean. I have a husband a 13 year old twins. I feel like my health issues are killing me. I am failing at my job. I am on a performance plan at work. If I wouldn't financially cripple my family I would quit. I was in therapy for years but I stopped when it just felt like whining. I need help. I need something but I don't know what I need. My whole life I have always felt alone and a failure. My family was shit. My father died when I was 12, my mother when I was 22. I had cancer the first time at 19. My life got upended by the first cancer dx. I tried for years to get my feet back under me. Then I got married and had kids. Fast forward to 2010 I had my twins, found out I had heart failure and a week heart. Seven years later I had colon cancer and lung cancer. Rectum removed and lung. Now my heart is failing again. I just had mitral valve repair in January. Then all the chaos in my health is now making me fail at my job. I feel like a piece of shit that cannot do anything right. Part of me just wants to die from all of this. I have been fighting for so long. I just want to stop.

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    My stupid mouth won't stop...

    I had one of those moments when my mouth would not stop. My brain is constantly analyzing everything. It's part of what makes me really good at my job and part of what makes most people super irritable with me in general conversations. I can't tell you how many times I have been told to "not overthink 'x'" and then had to bite my tongue when one by one all my points manifest in real life.
    I have a boat load of degrees and better than 20 years experience with the biggest names in the world.
    Still, when .y mouth started running tonight about my cancer diagnosis, I saw my mom's a gloss over with the expression, "Oh my God! Stop being a drama queen!" Which she promptly followed up with, "Don't get lost in the minuta, dear."
    I know better than to talk to people about my concerns. It's either platitudes or dismissal. Grrr....

    #ColonCancer #Cancer #Anxiety #Depression #ADHD #PTSD

    10 reactions 3 comments
    Post

    I'm new here!

    Hi, my name is twofriendsrealestate. I'm looking for a cure like everyone else

    #MightyTogether #ColonCancer

    3 reactions 1 comment
    Post

    I'm new here!

    Hi, my name is Marie1767. I'm here because

    #MightyTogether #ColonCancer

    3 reactions 1 comment
    Post

    What to do... what to do....

    What do you do when the surgeon says you need to be in as quickly as possible to avoid losing the precise location needed, but his scheduler (a.k.a., his girlfriend) says he doesn't have any time for you in the next couple of weeks without "adding a day" and you just have to wait for her to call you back this evening...only to have it be 36 hours later and still no phone call.

    What to do??? What to do????

    #Cancer #ColonCancer

    1 reaction
    Post

    Crash

    Part 1 of 2 I was cold. Even with six blankets piled on me, I was shivering and could not get warm.

    I held the EMT’s hand while in the ambulance. I worried that I was being too much trouble and kept apologizing.

    I always apologize.

    I latched on to my wife’s hand once we were together in the ER.

    Her touch. Warm. Safe. Familiar.

    I know her eyes. I observed them. They looked tired. Red around the edges.

    I was a boat filling with water, and she kept me from sinking.

    I was holding on for dear life and not sure if I was going to stay afloat.

    What I didn’t know until much later, was that her worries for me, and the countless other challenges we were facing – financial, parenting, work, and the daily barrage of hate-filled politics and division, had worn her down to the point that she was praying a plane would fall from the sky and crash into us.

    It sounds extreme now, but at the time, she just wanted it all to be over.

    She remembers the moment as if it were yesterday.

    She thought the warm sunshine and the fresh air might help, so she encouraged me to take a short walk. And she needed a break.

    I started out alone, made it as far as a bench across the street from our home, and frantically called her to come sit with me. I couldn’t handle being alone.

    She joined me. Like a young child, I put my head in her lap, and began to cry.

    She remembers hearing a plane flying overhead and longed for it to crash into us.

    “Death would be easier than this.” She thought to herself.

    It was all too much.

    It is too much.

    Cold fluid from a clear bag filled my veins. I began to shiver. More blankets.

    I looked and smelled like a basket of dirty laundry.

    The sounds and sights of the emergency room plowed through my head like a train.

    My arms burned, my heart raced, my vision was foggy.

    And I was trying to come up with a way to tell my daughter that I was dying.

    I told Kristin that I needed her to be in the room when we told our daughter that I was dying. She just looked at me then told me to close my eyes and get some rest.

    That’s her way of telling me to shut the hell up.

    My head was telling me I was dying. My stomach was telling me I was dying. WebMD was telling me I was dying.

    But I wasn’t dying.

    I didn’t have colon cancer – even though I had every indication of cancer based on the bowel movement color-chart on WebMD.

    The echocardiogram showed that my heart was healthy – even though I could feel it beating not only in my chest, but in my ears, and in my toes. Kristin had to hide the three blood pressure monitors we have at home.

    I wasn’t having a stroke, even though I told Kristin that I thought my pupils were different sizes and my arm hurt.

    God bless her.

    I’ve since learned that I was in the throes of a prolonged panic attack, and I did not understand what was going on.

    It had taken control of my body, mind, and soul. And I had allowed it to do so.

    I have always been a worrier. My brain on spin cycle – fixated on the what-ifs. Spinning out of control – especially at night.

    We purchased our home in early 2017. Hurricane Harvey made landfall south of us not all that long after we started to feel settled. Harvey stalled above our community, bringing devastation and destruction to many.

    We did not flood, but three weeks after the storm while I was cooking eggs, I noticed that the eggs kept sliding to the left of the pan. I wondered if the stove needed balancing.

    The stove wasn’t off balance.

    Our kitchen floor had dropped three inches. Cracks formed in our door frames and walls.

    Our home’s foundation was failing due to the saturation of the ground around and under our home.

    If that wasn’t enough, we also discovered that the plumbing under our home was busted due to the sinking of the foundation.

    At night I could hear cracking in our walls and the sound of dripping water.

    I would lay awake – wide-eyed. The moonlight, once comforting and peaceful, jeered at me through the blinds. I tried to close him out, but he always found his way in.

    If I dozed off, I would experience a sudden sensation of falling. It would startle me awake, my heart racing, my breath fast and shallow.

    I knew that our house was going to collapse.

    I guess by keeping watch, I was preparing myself to bear witness to the destruction that I knew was coming.

    I was not sleeping. I was not eating.

    If you aren’t doing those two things, you are in big trouble.

    My foundation had failed me. Literally and figuratively

    1 comment
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    I feel so robbed!

    My son battled colon cancer at 32. After 2 years he was cancer free.
    At 40, he hung himself over the loss of his wife who had left him for his best friend. Now, 3 months later, I found out I have lung cancer. I don't have my son to hold. Words can not describe the pain .

    3 comments
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    I'm new here!

    Hi, my name is 1434. I’m new to The Mighty and look forward to sharing my story.

    #MightyTogether

    #Anxiety

    #Depression

    #BipolarDisorder

    #Fibromyalgia

    #PTSD

    #RheumatoidArthritis #sjogren #chronicfatige #suicidal . It's hard to put one's journey of Chronic Illness into a story, but I will try. I started ill at age 5, I had a twin who became unviable in the womb and I carry the person around with me everyday. At age 5 I remember having huge tumors on my left thigh. They tried to freeze them because they bled a lot and finally decided to take them out. Many years later my Mom told me it was a twin and what they pulled from my thigh was a mass of cells, teeth and hair. It left two very large scares and kids always tease me. I had a lot of childhood illness but with antibiotics you could solve everything. Fast forward to 35 I began having intestinal problems, I would have bouts of diarrhea that my body didn't feel until it was to late. I kept telling my Dr's and nothing was done. I finally got a referral to a Gastroenterologist who did a colonoscopy and found several polyps that is were left alone even for a week I would have 1st stage colon cancer, she got them out and followed up till I got Gastroparesis. I went again and she tested it by whatever, and when I was waking up I heard her speaking with my Husband and she told him I did have Gastroparesis and since I could not eat and was in the hospital many times, she had the gall to tell my Husband that I was going to die. Somehow I kept him from killing her right there on the spot, Again a long story short we were in the hospital again and met a Gastroenterologist who would see if he could help me . He got me to the only Dr in town that knew anything about what was happening and he tried to help. It got to the point were the only thing left to do was take out my stomach. So I ended up with no stomach and no desire to eat. Now that I have bored you to death I will just skip over the rest with a get to the rest. I believe I have been Depressed my whole life it got worse as I grew up. At last I met my husband and he helped me get the help I needed so I didn't self medicate any more. I have been with my Psychiatrist for over 25 years and he watches me very carefully and since my last suicide attempt he has my husband disperse my medication, so everything is locked up. I have a small Tribe helping me but as with my Husband I feel like such a burden, he would do anything to help me. My worries are that he is 9 years older than me, he had a sudden heart attack in December and that really scared me because as most know you become a Ghost when you have any kind of Chronic illness. Okay I have bored you long enough and I grateful to find groups like this.

    2 comments
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    Narcissistic mother has cancer

    My mother is a narcissist it’s complicated and a long story but I didn’t know my mother until I was 13 and she was clean and trying to put her life back together after years of drug abuse. I don’t know what made her a narcissist and I’ve tried to be understanding and I’ve given her a thousand chances to have a decent relationship but she is toxic. I have a son of my own now he’s 9 months old and I didn’t speak to her for most of my pregnancy because of an issue she had with my husbands family and quickly after he was born she caused another issue by telling people my husband was abusive when he is not. She has reached out again and said she has been diagnosed with colon cancer and would like a chance to be in my sons life. I haven’t asked many questions and at the advice of my therapist I told my mother I would consider making amends but I needed a few days to think about it. It’s been two weeks and I still haven’t come to a decision and my husband supports my choices but there is just to much and I don’t think her being sick is going to change her behavior… if anyone has any advice or what you would do if you were in my situation I would appreciate it. #narcissist #AbuseSurvivors #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #

    5 comments