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the First and the Last Time
The first time you tried to kill yourself
I was stupefied; how could I help you?
My heart was that of a small doe
Running faster, farther,
Leading hungry wolves far
From where your broken heart lay
Hidden amidst the fawn and bracken,
Alone.
After the second try
After the angels and snowmen
All went home to forget about spring
I heard the words- your words,
Like skin ripping apart on fast-moving asphalt.
I hear them now.
It is the only song that blows
Like a hollow wind through the tattered rags
Of my bomb shelter.
I did this to you.
I made this happen to you.
I wasn’t enough.
It will never matter
How I held you softly,
Sang to you daily,
Forfeited my sleep and hunger
To nurse you in your early sickness.
I know your suffering.
I have been beside you at every wounding.
It will never have meaning
But I know.
I dressed in my brilliant armor,
Fought the armies of the ignorant,
Year after year after year.
I stayed, chained in the back of a cave
Filled with my own longing,
Praying that a stable location
With a forest, a lake, an armory
Would help you find your path.
I worked tirelessly to help others in your name.
I held in my tears.
I held back my howls.
I kept a zoo of animals
To be there at your beckoning
In case you might beckon
And kept a kitchen filled with food
You don’t eat.
You rejected me years ago,
When your head was hurt too many times.
When you suffered.
I lost you then.
I lost you then.
I lost you then.
It doesn’t matter what I remember.
My memories are all that I have.
#TraumaticBrainInjury #Autism #MothersWithAutism #Anxiety #Depression #MentalHealth #Crushedinspirit #SuicideAwareness
