day

#day #Journal #grattitufe #MentalHealth #physicalhealth

I just read my previous post which I call my blog. The prior post made me a little sad.
As to think of my sister that has pancreatic cancer. I feel so bad about my sister’s illness. Her cancer. I really love ❤️ this sister. As I said in my prior post- we are very close in my family- I come from a family of 6 kids- 5 girls and my brother. We are all up in age. My parents are gone. There are many many nieces and nephews. My husband and I have no children.

I am not so sad about my reality. That most likely I won’t be able to live in my home as long as I may want to. Or as it is fair to. I have to ask myself if I could reasonably live here w/o bothering any of my siblings or nieces and nephews? Will I get the opportunity to see if I can? That will probably not be the case. How long I will live here is the question.
In this past week I connected to an old hs and college chum. She brought new life into me. Though she does not have the restraints I do or will have, being able to live on my own w/o bothering anyone - I think she has no problem w something like this as she lives alone currently- but she brought me to realize I can still dream. That there is still a lot I can do.

This friend left me w a feeling that I am high on life. There are numerous possibilities for me still out there!! She said dream- take risks.,

Don’t know how many risks I will actually take . But it feels good to know I am in control - for now anyway- I can choose to do what I want., -now.

So, maybe I will be in a retirement or nursing home eventually- I am not now- so I want to enjoy every bit of life I can until then. Dream and plan and enjoy!!
I have my husband- no telling how long we will have each other - this in itself is reason to celebrate and live life.

Also, since I have difficulty being around other people - a retirement setting or nursing home - does not necessarily appeal to me- but one never knows what the future holds. These settings have arts and crafts and other things I may enjoy.

But, tonight- tonight I am celebrating the life I have- the dreams that I can still dream and hopes I can still hope for.. I look forward to ahead. Life is precious and I want to enjoy all I can while I can.
I am 71. I am healthy. I feel fortunate for my life and I want to enjoy everything I can in it while I can. One never know when everything can change.
I want to enjoy everything about my house and my husband while I have both. You never know when everything can change.

Like the song goes- you don’t know what you got til it’s gone.

Live life to the fullest. Gather thee rosebuds while you can!!

Well, hello!! I just came back from a family party. My sister was there w her husband. This sister has pancreatic cancer, stage 4. My brother, his wife and son were in from out of state. A good 2 day trip. They were in to see my sister who has pancreatic cancer.

So, after I arrived home feeling how lucky I am to come from a family of 6 kids w so many nieces and nephews who now have their own kids who are very busy. All professionals for some reason I am proud to say this. 6 doctors in my family to be exact. But, none of this helps me w what I am about to say.

I realized after looking into my kindest nieces eyes today and from various conversations w my one sister- that I think they may see me as a liability. Someone they will not have time for as I age. Others maybe don’t take the time to think about it.

But, I realized tonight after I got home from what was an amazingly wonderful family party w most all of my siblings and many if not most of my nieces and nephews w quite a number of their children- my grand nieces and grand nephews- that once something happens to my husband- he is in good health now, but we are both aging - I am 71, that my sisters especially the one I am closest to- will demand I go to a retirement home - if not that- then a nursing home.

I have bothered my siblings quite a bit when I was younger. Their kids saw it. So, I also bothered my nieces and nephews. Now I realize from seeing my nieces, nephews- they won’t handle my interruptions. They have their own families and their own parents to be concerned w.
So, if something happens to my husband first- I am out the door.

It should be an okay retirement home/nursing home. I have been lucky enough to live in a house w my husband. I realize now- my time here is limited.

Could I live in a house and not ever call or text my siblings or their kids? What if I outlive the sister I am closest too? Her kids would want no part of me and my antics. And they should not have to.

So, now is the time for me to bother no one and live the life I have w my husband to the fullest. For only the Lord knows what May lie ahead..
that is to say if my siblings- nieces and nephews wait until something were to happen to one of us before they decide to act. Who knows what will happen in the future?

Though I felt so very lucky to be from this family tonight- that feeling was short lived. For I know my freedom is at stake.

Yes. I know I should bother no one. And I also know I am not good at this. It only makes sense.

Maybe I should live my life to the fullest until I am called on to leave my house. I know I can’t bother my family.
It is just hard for me to see myself as a liability. But, I feel this is the reality of the situation.
Life goes on.
Enjoy what you can.
Gather thee rosebuds as long as I can.

So nice to have people in your life that you can be honest w. I mean nice to have people in your life you can be real w maybe I should say so nice to have people in your life you can speak honestly about your emotions w. That is just a few for me.

I have a medical health issue drs think steming from me taking some medicine for such a long period. So, dr tried lowering some of the medicine. As a result the medical health issue seems to have improved some. However, I have become what feels like much more emotional.

I found out a person from college knows about the fact that I was hospitalized back when I was in my twenties. We talked a little abt that as well as some of the things that happened that lead up to that time.

It would not have been so bad if I hadn’t texted this old college friend non stop about it. I went on & on about it.

It wasn’t her fault what happened to me. It just happened. I found I blamed her. Told her what she did wrong and should have done better. Told her also I was not w/o fault. It would not have been so bad if I had not gone on and on in the texts.

What is done is done. I don’t think I want to say anymore. I don’t blame anyone except maybe that first doctor I saw for the worst of my problems and a third doctor I saw- but w/o this third doctor I don’t think I would have married my husband. And because of the first doctor though I fault him w much of the pain I have gone through as well as some of my current dilemma- he did help rid me of a terrible boyfriend.

But, now I have done the damage. Left long texts to someone who I don’t know for sure o can trust. And someone I am not sure even cares. This is something I have done to myself and something I have to live w.
The embarrassment, the shame - maybe the attention- maybe not. I have to see what develops- if anything- best to let it all go.
Life goes on.

An old friend texted she would call- she didn’t - she texted again she would call- she didn’t - finally I asked her if she was ok. One appt she had in the morning was a drs appt.
Then I said you were going to cal. Then you didn’t then the same thing happened again today. I am getting tired of waiting. I don’t appreciate the wait. Either let me know if you are going to call or I’ll let it go. I thought that was reasonable. She responded- let it go. I have been busy..

I thought she would apologize. Say she was busy. She did not.

The neighbor left w/o a word. I upset her by parking my car In front of my house. I think I may have done this too many times.
This neighbor was a very nice person. Sometimes I parked in front of my house because of the fact I was upset she had so many cars. But, then I stopped parking in front of my house like at all. It took me a while to catch on. Then she moved away w/o a word.

Can it be that I don’t know how to be nice to a nice person? For instance this neighbor?

And I am used to letting people that are rude or not nice be a friend and banter me around?

Could it be that I don’t know how to make friends - period?

This one nice neighbor tried to be my friend time and again- I did not know how to respond. I responded by baking cookies. Then made more mistakes.

Is this why I can’t make or keep friends? Because I don’t know how to make the nice ones? And I allow people to be rude to me? I let people upset me and banter me around? Is that what I attract? Or allow?

I lost this neighbor. She could have been a friend and I knew no better but to upset her. When I parked my car in front of my house she got upset. It was my house. Was that horrible of me? She has 5 cars and a truck. The truck always parking in front of my house.

Is it that I attract the wrong people as friends and if I get a nice friend- I don’t know how to act towards her?

Or I just don’t know how to make friends in the first place?
I don’t know.

My sister’s stage 4 cancer I have a hard time w. She is taking it well. It is upsetting to me that she is so gravely I’ll. I pray for her that she lives for a long time to come in spite of it.

That doctor I have written so much about in my blog- I want the memory of that past and of my past to go away. It is hard to make it go away. I don’t want my present to be affected. I have a good life w my husband. Though we have few friends it is still a good life. How I would be able to exist w/o him - I can’t phathom.
I don’t want to dwell on the negatives.
I want to savor every minute of life w my husband and siblings. I want to enjoy every minute of my life. The birds chirping, the trees blowing in the wind. My husband bt my side.
If something were to happen to my husband first I don’t think I could live in this house. The urban neighborhood is just so cold. Where would I go. I have no idea. But, for now- I don’t this to be my concern.

I want my life to be happy and light w worries few or non existent. Let my worries be for my health and for the health of those I love and care for. Let me love my life w love ❤️ and happiness…!!

Life goes on— w love ❤️

# anxiety # impulsive behavior # excited behavior # calm - so many times when I have decisions to make or if I have to decide how to handle something- I sit w a cup of tea and think the situation over in my mind. Going over all the pros and cons. Going back and forth, yes, many times ruminating, many many times ruminating and putting the response off.
There has to be a medium ground between the above and acting impulsively. - if you have the opportunity to calm yourself and think about the best resolve ( you don’t always have this luxury) . If you have an opportunity to calm yourself - there must be a method to find a calm, think deliberately, get your answer and go w it. This happens for me, but few and far between. I wish I was better at this.
Tonight I would say I acted impulsively. But, it was okay.

# anxiety or so I think or is it just plain being excitable. What does one do w those impulsive thoughts? Sometimes-exhibit impulsive actions.
Impulsive actions- gut reaction or first impulse. Maybe not the best, but- Seemed good at the time rationale.

I have found some things I have done what were simply stated impulsive actions- made a lot of sense later after some thought and in one instance more time and research. Is the reaction that some deem as an impulsive reaction always the wrong action? From my experience- no.

Though I have tried for some time now to sit, calm myself down and talk about the situation w someone- many times a therapist, my husband a friend, but this can not always be accomplished. Sometimes you just have to act. And sometimes the anxiety is triggered or the excitement inside is ignited and before I take time to calm myself- & I react.
The latter is not always the best response. But, I did it tonight. Tonight I reacted in an impulsive and excitable manner. And you know it was okay. I did not wait until my husband was around to talk about it w- I just reacted - it was okay.