cats

I'm really tired, but I have so much in my head. Just some minimal venting, needing support.

Miss my cats, don't want to give them up. It's tearing me apart. I need my freedom and independence, but I don't know how. No one ever taught me. Can't afford it. OCD is limiting me. People stare at my trashy car. I need more room in my car. It needs repairs. The doctor I tried gave me Xanax and not Xanax ER. She would only give me one month's supply. I can have seizures, permanent disabilities, and even die if I run out. I'm feeling the difference. I can't find a psychiatrist who takes Medicare and is taking new patients. Having a hard time finding a new doctor, too. Can't eat easily because my teeth are so bad and I don't have front top teeth except broken at the gums. Too drowsy to write more.

#Anxiety
#ocd
#obsessivecompulsivedisorder
#depression
#Cats
#panicdisorder
#hoarder
#hoarding
#ptsd
#CPTSD
#disability
#abuse
#emotionalabuse
#mentalabuse

I visited my cats a few hours ago. Somebody called the police. I was crying as they told me I couldn't feed them (they eventually let me put down four cans) anymore. They kept asking why I couldn't do certain things. I kept telling them I don't really know how to explain my OCD. "Why not?" I was asked about several things, including why I couldn't put my cats in my car and drive them to the motel and, after I told them we couldn't afford to keep them in the motel room (my boyfriend wouldn't even let me have one, and it's $10 a night, unless it went up like the weekly rate did), they kept suggesting I bring them here (to the motel) and let them roam in the woods, and I could feed them here. Before that, they told me I could take them to the shelter, and I told them they'll put them to sleep! They said they knew it wasn't the best solution, but the situation is what it is, in their own words. I forget exactly how they put it. I said too much, but I always do that. They asked if my car was in my name. I don't know why. They said I needed to "put [my] foot down" with my boyfriend. I left out a lot, but my head hurts from the stress, and I'm still upset. I took two Advil.

#Cats
#Anxiety
#ocd
#obsessivecompulsivedisorder
#depression
#panicdisorder
#ptsd
#CPTSD
#disability
#abuse

I think I have to give up my cats. I can't afford to feed them regularly, and they're getting thin, especially one in particular. My boyfriend quit helping when he lost the house. I'm going to start looking for rescues tomorrow, although my cats are mostly older and not likely to be adopted. I keep crying. I love them so much, and they love me.

This is part of a message I sent to someone, in regards to when I went to feed them yesterday. I have former neighbors who watch me when I go there:

I was worried at first, because one of my cats wasn't showing up. I put some food and water down, and just as I started to leave, two of my cats showed up (but not the one I was expecting). I put out more food. While I was there, people were watching. I saw the people across the street, especially. At one point, a car drove up, put her emergency lights on, and went to the door of the house where they were watching me. The guy let her in, and a few minutes later, she came back out, got in her car, and left... Sort of. She drove a short distance to the corner (my boyfriend's former house is the last one on the street), then she got out of her car, leaving it on. It looked like she went around her car, but I didn't get a good look. I was keeping an eye on my cats, making sure they were eating. Eventually, she left. Other cars drove by while I was there.

When I left, I found the cat I was looking for, but I also saw a bunch of kids just standing in their driveway (I doubt they all lived there), watching me. I drove back to the house, with about three cats following me, including the one I was looking for. I put down more food and petted her. Eventually, I left, and the kids were playing basketball. They stopped while I passed by. This was around midnight, I guess. I went to the other cats, fed them and gave them water, and eventually left for the night.

Now, my boyfriend is asking me to stay in today to save him money so he can give me money Thursday (housekeeping day) to go out. I felt so much better getting out today, except for the people harassing me. I got up a bit late, too.

#Cat
#Cats
#Anxiety
#ocd
#obsessivecompulsivedisorder
#depression
#panicdisorder
#ptsd
#CPTSD
#disability
#abuse
#emotionalabuse
#mentalabuse
#financialabuse
#money
#finances
#mentalhealth

I need a house, an income, some human assistance, my things, a therapist, and friends. But most of all, I need my cats. They deserve a better life, and I can't bear to lose them, too. 😢

#Cats
#House
#help
#Anxiety
#ocd
#obsessivecompulsivedisorder
#depression
#panicdisorder
#ptsd
#CPTSD
#disability
#abuse
#emotionalabuse
#mentalabuse
#financialabuse
#money
#finances
#mentalhealth

Wasn't even sure why I did but my cat was next to me and put her tiny paws on my face and rubbed her nose on mine. Instantly the crying stopped because I thought to myself no matter how hard things are I'm loved and thankful that we (my cat and I) found each other because we were both barely surviving and she gives me hope and I in return spoil her with love. #Crying #Cats #sad #hopeful #positive #