degenerativediscs

Talked to my sister telling her how I have gotten into a pattern of talking negatively to myself if I can't manage the chores I had planned for the day because of POTS. She said to reframe what I say and that is part of it and can help but it goes much deeper.
I stopped having my cleaner a year ago - covid fears - and have taken over the chores and am struggling to keep up with them but rationalised it was better not to have a cleaner who has multiple clients.  
Initially getting behind didnt bother me but now the anxiety arising from the childhood trauma of having to keep everything going in a dysfunctional and violent household is making me feel worthless if I can't manage everything.
I had abandoned walking as didn't have the energy for exercising as well as chores. Now I have started exercising again and doing less chores and depression is rising and driving it I now realise is repressed emotions from childhood trauma.
I lived my childhood in fear of what would happen if everything wasn't perfect as it was our job as young children to make sure nothing went wrong  - an impossible task we couldn't live up to and we were made to feel guilty when things escalated.
I have been experiencing those same feelings of powerlessness with chores getting out of hand, but now I know what is affecting me emotionally, I can change things so I'm not carrying everything on my own and can get what I want.
I need help - only this time, unlike my childhood, I only have to ask for it.
As I chose what I want to do - getting fitter, over doing the heavier chores, I'm glad I have realised what has been happening and unlike my childhood nothing "bad" will happen if I ask for help and get my needs met. #dysfunctionalchildhood #POTS #MajorDepression #degenerativediscs #Survivor

Having such fatigue after a busier day yesterday that getting up off the bed to get a snack ready makes me even more tired. Could close my eyes and nap but then might mess up my nights sleep. Feeling momentarily resentful that I get knocked about so easily by POTS and cant do much today. Then I thought about my day so far - I did the dishes in 2 goes, I rang my daughter, I practised self care - prepared breakfast and lunch - oats with fresh fruit and nuts, and salmon on toast and an apple, had my multi vitamin, had lots of salt and water, checked my bp and hr. Stepped outside on the patio for 2mins to see the birds I could hear, read posts on here, listened to music, and most of all reminded myself its okay to need a recovery day. Just realised the quiz show I like starts in one hr. Time to clean my teeth beforehand then after the show my hardest chore of the day - showering and wiping the wet room floor with a cloth with my foot. By then it will be 4.30pm and I will have made it through another day. I guess that it wasnt so bad on reflection and who knows I might have a tad more energy tomorrow. #dysfunctionalchildhood #POTS #degenerativediscs #Survivor

Emotions change rapidly throughout the day and am becoming aware that I am basing my self worth on what I can do. Because of POTS I struggle with doing anything involving standing and also cant sit - another condition. I can't just do what I want but have to make choices as to what takes priority throughout the day. I felt energetic when I awoke this morning and brushed off the knowledge that it is only transitory and must be used carefully. I thought I might be able to cut down a few of the weeds growing over my window - long overdue, but knew I had to do my basic chores 1st. I chose to peel and chop enough veg for 2 days in the morning - in hindsight too early in the day. It was just manageable but then the overwhelming fatigue set in and I realised it could be hours of laying down and rehydrating before I could get up - to do my dishes, clean my teeth and shower with a long rest between each one. I mentally scratched the weeds off my list again. I felt a cloud of depression starting, then a moment of clarity as I realised I was labelling myself a failure. I felt sad and then it came to me - a memory of my mother angrily and impatiently demanding when I asked for help with my maths, why cant you understand maths - Michelle (my younger sister) can. I had no idea that I had an undiagnosed learning difficulty with maths and my sister had an undiagnosed very high IQ. After the aha moment I told myself the reality - I have POTS and I prioritised eating over weeding and thats okay and I wasnt a failure then or now. I was just being Me! #dysfunctionalchildhood #POTS #degenerativediscs #Survivor

Once we turned 5 we had to make our beds PROPERLY with hospital corners before we went to school. Then our mother returned home to undo and redo the bed the right way in secret. I dont know if I ever realised that at the time; but there were enough instances everyday where you were overtly shamed and verbally attacked for not doing things the right way - failing to meet some impossible standard. Today I adapted bed making to meet my needs - discarding the all or nothing demands from my past. The fitted sheet is on the bed but the top sheet will have to wait till my energy levels and back pain permit. I am very aware that leaving my bed half done is the source of my rising anxiety but today I remind myself to breathe and that I am safe and free to make my own choices and do things in a way that is easiest for me. #dysfunctional childhood #POTS #degenerativediscs #MajorDepression #Survivor