developmentaltraumaneglect

I never got positive or nurturing attention when I cried, much less a hug from my mother or father. If my crying was acknowledged I definitely learned quickly it was not acceptable. I would get snapped at “to stop crying” be asked in a very annoyed and frustrated tone “what was I crying for! Stop it”. Most of the time I did not know why I was crying. I was always so very aware of and picking up on the negative undercurrents that surrounded our home 24/7. My parents were always unhappy, I always thought they didn’t like each other very much. They would yell and argue all the time, in a very controlled dignified way. They complained about money and how hard it was to support us. My Dad was always mumbling how hard it was for him to have a wife and 4 children. My parents were not very demonstrative and never showed love to us or each other.
My parents were unhappy, miserable actually. If my dad was around when I cried I would get the scary stern look, as if I was supposed to understand what I was doing wrong. My older siblings just started mirroring our parents. I was the annoying little sister who cried way too much and loudly.
My crying only brought annoyance. I was also supposedly really an adept psychological master manipulator only wanting attention. Of course that just cannot be allowed. Heaven forbid the possibility that I could become spoiled and feel entitled to attention. This did not just happen sometimes this happens every time I cried. So at some point before the age10, I finally learned and totally embraced this tough lesson, and that was for me not to cry. That’s not a big deal right. I did stop crying for all those years and up till 49 I did not cry. Recently like a dam has broken with an overwhelming flow of emotions I still rarely cry. The few times I have cried in recent years I still get the exact same response from my family. None of them have changed at all just add a few full on mature narcissists.
The few times friends saw me cry recently, must have shocked them I guess. They made an unfortunate mistake. Told me I shouldn’t cry. I’m stronger than that. I think my friends were so unprepared for my tears they panicked, It makes them so uncomfortable and for some reason have come to the conclusion that I shouldn’t cry around them. They have shut me down the couple times it happened recently while on the phone. They got off the line so fast my head was spinning. I Immediately went to the old rule book and thought oh no I forgot I’m not supposed to cry,
My therapist is telling me I’m essentially starting to grieve and cry for that little girl who was so severely emotionally abused. I’m still kind of reeling from that long overdue validation. I thought I was joking before when I said “I wasn’t hugged enough as a child. So what? What’s the big deal? I just happened to get the tough love lesson that was supposed to make me a strong and self sufficient adult. I’m learning to cry again. It’s so much harder now then at age 5. #Grief

Found this yesterday and resonated so much with it. This is why I sometimes end up feeling so lonely, isolated and disconnected even surrounded by people.

Im just learning to accept what are some of my inate personality traits. Trying to see it as a strength rather then a weakness. Being an introvert that is at times can be way too intuitive in regatds to others around me. I pick up and notice their feelings and what they 'don't' want people to see. So if I ever let on to them that I do they can either appreciate it or resent it.

I'm finally clueing into the lengths some will go if they resent my observations. I have family that has made me the scapegoat because of it. As an example from my youngest memories I sensed how sad and angry my mother always was even when she tured to hide it.. So from day one, consciously or unconsciously she would pushed back trying to make it that there was something fundamentally wrong with me.

Who else had felt this has happened to them and now questions gow to make meaningful connections?

#Loneliness #Isolation #disconnected #dissociativedisorders #ChildhoodEmotionalAbuse #developmentaltraumaneglect #Depression #Anxiety