disconnected

#Grief

I have been grieving for a very long time. I try to be practical and go through the motions I think I’m supposed to move through it. I have brief moments of clarity thinking I understand what I’m dealing with and then I have days like this. Days of complete emotional confusion and conflict. Where there seems to be a huge exhausting tangle of emotions and a overwhelming sense of loss.

Why do I feel so much guilt and shame that I’m not moving through this grief the way I’m supposed to? I believe I can’t even grieve properly according to some arbitrary authority that I can’t even identify.

Am I grieving that my father passed away on July 29th 2021?

A man who only talked about his legacy of his work. His only life’s purpose. That was one last conversations with him. The conversation where he went on and on about a book that would be a culmination of all his professional accomplishments. It consumed him. There was no mention of his wife of 59 years or his 4 children fit into anything.

Am I grieving my cat who died on July 13 2021?

He was my only constant of unconditional love for 15 years.

Am I grieving the loss of the end of some unhealthy unsupportive friendships? Their true colours surfaced during Covid.

Am I still grieving my last romantic relationship that ended in 2015 when I stopped believing narcissistic lies of his unhealthy love?

Am I grieving the intangible loss of having any expectation getting what I was supposed to get from my parents and siblings growing up.

I have always had huge hole where there is supposed to be something. That something is so intangible. I think it’s the knowledge/capacity of how to build and maintain healthy emotional connections with other human beings. I really do not know how. I’m truly disconnected and fragmented. Deep down I really do believe I’m missing integral parts that are needed to make these connections possible. I have become comfortable in my isolation.

I feel so much guilt and shame to have to admit this. Why???

Alone again
Here in the dark

Wishing i had anyone
To light a small spark

One small touch
One kind hello

To keep the demons in my mind
From pulling me below

I count the seconds
To help me survive

Perhaps the sun light
Will see I’m still alive

I accidentally drank an energy drink... It's a long story... I feel #disconnected from the real world and from other people and my heads been spinning, it's also exacerbated the #Voices and I've been having visual #Hallucinations too... Should I be concerned?

Is anyone out there ?!?

#alone #lonely

I feel so disconnected from everything the past few weeks and it is getting worse. Feel like i have no community even though i have a large circle of people who love me. So #lonely .

I hate this feeling

I have been prescribed too many medications to even keep count, and nothing has worked. the side effects were terrible, and they all made my depression so severe.. until recently when I was put on a combination of pills that seem to be "working." I don't feel as manic, and the depression has lessened as well.. but I feel so disconnected. sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and I can see the blank stare in my eyes... I have no more emotions. there are days I feel sad, but I can't cry.. days I want to scream, but can't say a word. so is this really better?? is this all my life is going to be? I find myself waking up in the morning, and just watching the clock waiting for the day to be over.. I just want to feel something again. I want to be happy. I want to feel connected to the people that I love, but i can't. #Bipolar #BipolarDepression #MentalHealth #Mania #Depression #disconnected

I didn't sleep well (although I take some heavy duty insomnia meds) last night because I was dreaming a lot. Like my mind was constantly changing channels. It's tiring... Brain wouldn't shut off. Today I'm just here. No emotions, no thoughts (which is the total opposite of what I'm use to with anxiety), no urge to get up & do anything. Just numb. Just sitting in the middle of my bed, blank. #CheckInWithMe
#Insomnia #Drained #MajorDepressiveDisorder #PTSD . #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder