I picked up a book today to read. The first book was an old book that I bought in long time ago (perhaps when I was still in college). I tried reading the first few pages and found myself going back to some pages and read it again. I really did not understand what I have just read. I tried to pick up another book. A book that we were asked to read and write a book review when I was still taking post graduate studies in UP years back. It was interesting to read but I cannot comprehend. It feels like my brain is just picking up selected ideas in the book which are not connected with each other. Third, I opened my iPad and read some other e-books. I randomly picked one from my Mitch Albom collection. Again, I cannot focus on doing it. There’s an itch in my head that don’t have any idea what, something I cannot scratch, and it bothers me greatly.
The loss of focus has been with me for quite a time. If there’s something I want to do, or thought of doing, I cannot relax until I have done it. But sometimes when I am already doing it, I have thought of something else and will do it instead, almost forgetting the first itch that I had.
It troubles me because I cannot finish anything that I have started. It’s bothersome. It even translates to my job hunting. I am up and very much alive in looking for a job one time. I have started filling out application forms, reviewing/ editing my CV, and writing cover letter. Then all of a sudden, I have thought of something and checked it (sometimes, that something is less important). And I have given much time to unnecessary something than my job application. My adrenalins are up looking for a job. Confidence is high. But only to turn the tables when I found something else to do. And when I come back to the previous task, I have lost the energy and started to question myself again.
Loosing focus is starting to become a habit (I am unsure though if this was an old habit that I had for quite a time already). It’s a domino effect. Loss of focus, to loss of energy, to questioning myself, to over thinking, anxiety attack, episodes, and sometimes, panic attacks. A cycle that I have been into for years. A cycle that I cannot close.
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