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    I'm sad - humour me ok? :-(

    I'm abit afraid to post, I know how irrational that sounds. Most people are nice/empathetic but I'm still abit wary. 🙃

    My anxiety has been quite high ... lately/in the past week especially - I'm still on the lookout for my next full-time role, although now I'm considering the possibility of taking freelance/contract work -- didn't want to entertain this possibility at first, but (I'm based in SG 🙃😏) I'm realising the potentially very real possibility that Asian startup bosses might prefer workslaves-- I mean- employees-- that can work overtime all day every day, compared to someone who is "I need to leave on the dot on [insert day]" - for part-time evening classes 🙃

    That in mind (aside from personal speculation 😏🙃) I'm just reminded today that in the midst of my PT digital marketing dip .. well, final-assignments of each project can be quite massive it's a freaking full-ass campaign (previous one was 4 mediums of ads, current mod for which I just got the brief today is an Instagram audit + content angles proposal & execution) 🙃😏

    I've applied to a few freelance stuff but I'm quite impatient lol - if I don't hear from the companies in a week, I usually take it that they're not considering me ... which I know, doesn't always work like that in the real world 🙃 Case in point, I got on the freelance team of a local up-and-coming non-profit and (obviously, got impatient) --upon a combination of enquiry + social media snooping (lol), I realise it's taking a while cos they're only just expanding operations so it will take a while to even organize frameworks before onboarding people, etc. They gave an interim reply that they're in the process, will reach out in due time etc.

    In the midst of all of this - if I don't get anything by end of March, it's abt 6mo without an income, save for some adhoc writing I did for December. Having said that, therapy + teef things don't stop ... the dental front isn't so bad cos like now that I'm on retainers (YAY!) already, reviews are like 3months? I've got one in a week - but it's not like the 4- to 6-weekly it used to be 🙃

    ... so I'm feeling [more than a bit] anxious & sad at my dwindling bank account 🙃

    I don't really know, I guess I'm cautiously trying to see if writing it out helps to process the anxiety a little ... any and all good wishes & prayers appreciated, I feel so ... desperate and sad and (frankly) a bit useless 😳

    #CheckInWithMe #MentalHealth #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #Selfesteem #Employment #CheerMeOn

    14 reactions 4 comments

    I just got approved for a medical leave from work

    I recently started working with a career counselor and her number one recommendation to me was to take a medical leave from work. I have always been a reliable and committed employee and this has been a difficult concept to wrap my mind around. The problem is, by being reliable and committed to work I have absolutely nothing left over for me and my personal life has become a black hole.

    I was so so so anxious about speaking with my doctor about this. I have actually been unofficially boycotting him since last fall (he didn't know that) mainly because I just don't feel heard by him. He also doesn't seem properly equipped to deal with mental health concerns, and in particular completely ignores comments about feeling suicidal.

    But I did it. I booked an appointment with him, I said what I had to say, and I even asked follow up questions (not that he was very helpful with those). He didn't argue or push back, but agreed very easily, which was a surprise. I asked for one month, and he wrote a letter asking for two months.

    I have to tell my boss now and I am so anxious about it. I know this is going to devastate and crush her, especially with the particular projects going on at work right now, but I can't keep destroying myself in order to not destroy her. (I am second in command in our office, so we work together extremely closely.) The leave starts tomorrow, so I have to go in today and wrap things up.

    I have never done anything like this before, but it has been a long, slow decline for the past decade and I have reached a very low point. I don't like the idea of being on a list somewhere as having taken time off for health reasons because I feel like that will be a black mark against me for future employers, even though they are legally not allowed to discriminate against me for this. I feel simultaneously like a failure and like I have been set free. It's going to be a big adjustment.

    #CheckInWithMe #MedicalLeave #Work #Employment #MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #Trauma #Undiagnosed #change

    22 reactions 7 comments

    I swear my manager was a therapist in a past life

    I had the conversation with the GM about the complaint that was filed on me. He said the ONLY reason to have the conversation at all, is to prevent it again moving forward. He was okay with the email being sent without me knowing, because he'd prefer any discipline come from himself or the assistant manager rather than a key holder, and whether it was in an email, or if they had discussed it in person, the purpose is purely communication. I still think it would've been nice to have a heads up, but whatever.

    The customer had asked if I could find a specific item any faster than she could, which given the way things are randomized on purpose, I said "probably not, everything is mixed together and the only way to find something is to dig through it." I should've offered to help, but she didn't ask me directly to do so, (then when she complained, claimed that she did, at which point I walked away.) She seemed to laugh it off, and I figured that was the end of it. I told him the assistant manager acted like it happened because I didn't know better, and I felt like she treated me like a child. "Do you know where you went wrong, why was it wrong, what should you have done?, You can't say things like that! etc." He immediately said "I know why it happened, you thought it was true." Because he knows I doubt and beat myself up so much, and get "Eeyore brain" (his phrase that I'm stealing) "Just try not to say it out loud next time. I know you know better." And I said, so that's it, it's over and done with?" and he said "What do you want me to do, ground you?"

    I'm still getting used to the part where there's no gaslighting, criticism or character judgements where I get told to "grow up and try harder" He says he understands me because I'm a lot like him. I've disclosed the basics of my #Disability and he knows I have #Anxiety and #Depression , but doesn't have details. I swear he was a therapist in a past life; or he's been through something horrifically traumatic that's none of my business. And he's why I never want to leave this job. #Neurodiversity #Employment

    9 reactions

    My first official complaint

    I had my first official complaint at my new job I've had about 3 months. It might be my first official one EVER (at least where the customer wasn't so obviously the problem, that I got a free pass), and I've been in retail for 6 years. It was one of those "Most people wouldn't have given it a second thought, but this one person wanted to b*tch" situations. Both my fault and not a big deal. I wasn't officially written up, but it went into the closing email that goes to all the managers and key holders without a word to me. Which means I was once again pulled into an office and blindsided (but I was aware enough to know it happened and was coming) with something that should've been brought to me first. I told the assistant manager "I don't want you to think I'm not taking it seriously, but it's my first one, and it was going to happen eventually." And it's probably going to come up with the GM again tomorrow. Lucky for me, this is the absolutely incredible manager, but the more I think about it, the more scared I get. He's told me before "You can talk to me about anything" and "I don't want anybody to be scared to come to work" and he's proven it. But, we can only have this conversation so many times; and I've been screwed over, stabbed in the back and gaslit so much in the past that I can't trust authority to save my life. #Anxiety #Depression #Neurodiversity #Employment

    18 reactions 6 comments

    Work has put me back in therapy

    When I started my job 3 months ago and found my #Anxiety and #Depression suddenly triggered like crazy, and not really resolving over time, I figured checking in with someone would probably be a good idea, and thank God I did. Because now there's even more different stuff triggered in just the last 12 hours, and I have no idea how to make it stop. Plus, I want to talk to my manager about making sure I don't get pigeon-holed into my current position, because I can already feel it happening. There's a promotion open that I know I DON'T want, but watching other people move up when I told him on day 1 I was interested in full-time, and already had 5 years of experience when a lot of these people are new to retail, makes me think I'm stuck in a permanent catch-22 of "You're not qualified because of lack of certain experience we can't provide you" or "If your #Disability prevents you from doing X, then eventual promotion is out of the question, period." I'm afraid that will be the answer, so I shouldn't even bother having the conversation. Why waste their time and put them in the position of having to let me down? #Employment

    10 reactions 6 comments

    I feel like the naughtiest duckie .. is this what a naughty potato is like?

    So I'm finishing copywriting class (in abt 2 weeks and lets not talk abt the progress of my final copywriting project hahahah ok it IS progressing)

    I LOVED the class and realised one of my coursemates is taking the full diploma [Diploma in Digital Marketing], with her next module right after the copywriting module ends (we are currently a Tues evening class, next class is a Thurs evening content marketing class)

    I wanted to take the diploma with a course exemption (cos ain't no retaking copywriting module, what for haha) but the sales person just told me to pay balance fees for the total diploma cost.

    I've been unemployed for a while now (long story) and the savings I had from my past 3month stint from Jul-Sep went into my copywriting module HAHA 😬🙃

    Anyway, I mused the thought to my mom and she said ok, but my parents are BOTH retired. they retired in Q1 2021, although I think they have some investments and dividends. But they also wanna travel while they still can, nothing halfway across the world but just around APAC I suppose (I'm SEAsia, for context. Point being not like some super around-the-world trip but just travel, see places, enjoy while they can. In my mom's words, they've friends who have the finances but not health to travel. And for me I've seen friends parents suddenly lose their battles with health scares and then yeah the opportunity to explore is just ... gone. So I get it ..)

    So anyway, bearing in mind they are RETIRED and I am NOT CURRENTLY EMPLOYED, ... I just feel like by taking the money for the diploma I'm .. eating into their retirement fund.

    But then again -

    >> I pay for my own therapy appts
    >> As a child I've never asked for money from them ever, nor did I have extra curricular stuff (paid enrichment) like piano/violin/swimming (ok this was part of school so it wasn't like those extra expensive private coaching, just mass) ...
    >> I didn't even take extra tutoring for the most part (only Math for national exam years cos I'm terrible. there's a reason why I write now 😆🙃)

    So now I'm trying to justify to myself that it's just this once, it's a drop in the ocean for 12 years of grade school (even after grade 12 - I took a teaching diploma with a bond, had allowance from the govt for that, parents didn't pay, I started giving them money early, deducted hostel fees from my teaching allowance)


    By the way, I'm 31f. If it matters. Because shouldn't someone at 31f be able to afford such things on her own? (I mean I can, but if I do it will significantly dent my savings so you know - teach a man to fish ... but easier to fish when you feed him first and he's not hungry)

    To be fair, parents offered the money for me to do braces, which I get off in 2 weeks. I took the money in acceptance of the gesture, but I've secretly paid back 40%of it into my dad's retirement thingy (was planning to finish repaying by time braces got off but life and unemployment sucks and I will not complete it in time now)

    All I want is to not feel guilty for depleting my parents' retirement funds. It sucks that I even have to justify to myself how and why I deserve this money.

    I also know rationally there were certain things they should have provided for when I was young as a child (braces being one of them haha) but being not-a-minor-anymore I just feel so useless and guilty.

    Help 😫

    #CheckInWithMe #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Employment #CheerMeOn #Finances

    9 reactions 11 comments

    Job Anxiety

    #Job Search Woes
    Anyone else trying and failing to find reasonable paying employment. . I have put out literally hundreds of job applications. . I do all the "right" things that I was taught you do. The questionnaires, the panel interviews, the follow up thank you letters. Tell them I'm Autistic, don't tell them I'm Autistic. Everytime it seems all is going wonderful. You even see your work area if hired sometimes . Yet everytime I'm either ghosted or they let me know they've chosen someone else. I did mock interviews in a actual class that was supposed to teach you all this and I did well in these. I just give up it's a mystery I apparently can't fathom. I just want to easily get a job like other people seem to.

    #Anxiety #Depression #Isolation #Employment #WantToJustGiveUp

    4 reactions 2 comments

    Job Search Woes #depressed # Autistic Employment #Loneliness #Employment

    #Job Search Woes
    Anyone else trying and failing to find reasonable paying employment. . I have put out literally hundreds of job applications. . I do all the "right" things that I was taught you do. The questionnaires, the panel interviews, the follow up thank you letters. Tell them I'm Autistic, don't tell them I'm Autistic. Everytime it seems all is going wonderful. You even see your work area if hired sometimes . Yet everytime I'm either ghosted or they let me know they've chosen someone else. I did mock interviews in a actual class that was supposed to teach you all this and I did well in these. I just give up it's a mystery I apparently can't fathom. Anyone else going through this? It's so isolating.


    Is this to be expected with a new job?

    For background, I have nonverbal learning disability (disclosure went amazingly well), life-long anxiety, and depression that started at puberty (managed very well on medication) and was in therapy, but haven't been in almost 3 years; my last appointment was January 2020, and Covid hit in March, and I haven't felt the need to go back.

    I started my new job about 6 weeks ago, and suddenly, things I thought I had mostly worked through years ago, are being triggered like crazy. I've already cried twice and almost a 3rd time, which hasn't happened over "little" things since I started meds back in 2017 (with the rare exception around PMS, which is not a factor this time). One of those was a big thing, but the other wasn't, and today, a completely innocent comment from my favorite manager sent me spinning. I went on medication about a month before I was hired at my last job, which I had for almost 5 years, and the management styles were very different.

    I can't tell if this is a typical part of the adjustment period, increased stress, learning curve, new everything etc. if it means this job isn't a good fit, I just need to go back to therapy (which I probably should anyway), or if I need to consider a medication adjustment. I know only I can figure it out, but thoughts? #Disability #Depression #Anxiety #neurodivergence #Employment

    7 reactions 5 comments