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I'm now convinced my sister 101% looks down on me based on income & qualifications. The worst part, I feel like she has the right to do so ...

Pic in post is sister's dishes, left for over an hour after cooking - sister does not have a diagnosed condition that impedes energy, she's just full of herself & lazy.

(1) Me - 30s, non-grad, highest qualification diploma, by virtue of qualification - doesn't earn as much as a grad

(2) Sister - I'm quite sure my sister is golden child lol. GCsister has a degree (don't ask, I just didn't have good enough grades to enter public uni back thennnn), earns a degree pay, which is easily twice the amount of a non-grad pay. In my opinion, having a degree and the system of meritocracy gives one the right to be superior/to look down on others, if the individual so chooses (you can choose not to look down on people if you're a decent human, but if you choose to be a dickhead and you're capable in achievement, you kinda have the right to be haha)

So we live with our parents (tldr, Asians and housing policies lol) who are abroad for the week - coming back tmr. I thought about this and wondered if I should consider my sister as patronising or condescending and then ... I realised ... like what if she is both.

Backstory, my dad and my sister had this hugeass conflict x years ago that resulted in her moving to my grandparents' place for 6 weeks. Since then she calls him by name lol 🙃. But since then, it has become even clearer than she looks down on (particularly him), but also me & mom - though perhaps less.

Example, earlier this week, she opened the fridge and was like -

GCsister: wow YOUR PARENTS bought drinks for you [indicating she is trying to distance herself from them, not her parents - but mine. She thinks we are the same breed of inferior]

Me: ok then - not your parents? You said so.

/ next day, she comes home /

GCsister takes a drink

Me: wait I thought you said it was MY parents who bought it for me.

GCsister: (patronizingly? condescendingly? both?) Say that again? What did I say, literally say? (grins teasingly like it's funny)

^ this is one example of the things she says, and it happens ... A LOT. I think it happens more when parents are not around cos we are forced more to communicate. But then like, also, when parents are around I try to avoid talking to Gsister as much as I can tbvh 🙃

So when our parents are not in town, she doesn't let me take down her laundry (we do laundry separately), and I don't have the right to tell her to wash her dishes immediately (it is fking gross - and for the record I DO TRY, I just get met with "can't I do it later"). So it literally is like, let's just say there was this one time earlier this week, I wanted to cook lunch but with all the pots in the sink, I ended up eating out.

I did laundry earlier, half a load because she did the other half. And because I can't take down HER laundry, I used a mobile clothes hanger thing (https://www.amazon.in/AMENSHREE-Plastic-Square-Drying-Clothes/dp/B08WH8Q8P6) because I needed some extra space - the alternative was erm, not hanging my clothes? gross.

This evening, she does her half-load (2nd time this week) of laundry, knocks into the mobile clothes hanger and proclaims it STUPID - not really directed at the hanger, I feel/more directed at ME. I firmly believe if she was the one using the hanger, and ran into the mess, she wouldn't have mumbled the same things.

I'll admit that I got very upset (I still insist that she was intentional in wanting to be patronising/condescending/picking on me), so I tried to retaliate by hitting her with the bamboo pole. 🙃 - not the best cause of action, but I feel like a part of me recognises that I needed to stand up for myself and while this wasn't very wise, I felt like words wasn't the way to go. Because it would open up opportunities to be met with condescending/patronising remarks.

The worst of all of this is that it ended with her saying like, "at least I pay rent" (she doesn't, lol. I don't know what you consider 'rent' but she contributes filial piety money when she is full-time employed. Which to be fair, I do too. & like, she just quit her job lol.) - That was intentional bullying because she knows I've been not in full-time employment for longer than I'd like. I mean, I don't know how you would see it but to me - it was very clear, it was a targeted, intentional, bullying. Like consolidating the person's biggest insecurities and intentionally, deliberately slinging it at them. So don't tell me she just said that in frustration or anger - no, I think it was targeted intentional bullying.

This is very reminiscent of bullying in .. 12th grade, I know what it is like because I was bullied in 12th grade (more than a decade later, I still attribute this in-part to not doing as well as I should have for A levels 🙃) In the same vein - it's like the victim will never 'win', cos - (1) you react and create an outburst = they can make fun of your reaction (2) if you don't react, they will continue until you react (bcos the point is to get your reaction) -- so this means like grin and bear it, get continually bullied, have your self-esteem eroded lol.

Note: I grey rock her when I can tbvh, like usually if she tries to start a convo I'm not the most keen in engaging so I don't actually prolong the convo. I guess this was different cause it was clearly like indirectly trying to provoke me and see how far I would react, you know? Rather than a general convo.

I don't even know what I'm trying to say, or what I'm looking for (comfort? assurance? validation? commiseration? I DONT KNOW?), but thank you for reading if you've read this far :-} I don't think I was fully right, but I'm also saying (1) there was definitely a trigger and (2) in this case I'm pretty sure it was intentional bullying. Yepppp.

But also, if this is how my own sister treats me/looks down on me - this is exactly why I don't really hang out with people when I don't have a job, today validates why. If even my sister can do this to me, what more unrelated people? I don't wanna risk another person asking if I can afford this/insinuating I am lazy for not working/belittling me for not having an income, etc etc etc.

#CheckInWithMe #MentalHealth #Selfesteem [lack of] #Employment

1 reaction 4 comments

thinking aloud: I'm not sure - 🥴

potential TW - depression? anxiety?

Having not been in full-time employment for longer than I'd like by now, ... I'm not sure if that's been taking a toll on my mental health. Like, the other day I wanted to make a post [on here] about 'how I haven't been [feeling] very well', or me 'wondering if this is me being unwell', along those lines. But I guess ... it felt taboo to speak of, because - what if it was all in my head?

But surely there's something to be said about the anxiety when a fixed term freelance project ends (haha the April one ended, bc it was April & May), when the remaining related opportunities are weekend adhoc stuff (which tbh, relates to event photo coverage on a handphone camera - I'm not all that comfy with it cos handphone cameras don't compare to actual digital cameras, and I'm not a skilled photographer by any sense). When I think about full-time employment and how my previous experience turned out - that I actually rejected a potential full-time employment interview (!), and would rather possibly hold out for a different part-time/contract opportunity (!) - I know. Don't judge what you don't know, though I'm happy to explain briefly if anyone is curious 🙃

Surely - something has to be said if even P[!] has to tell me not to compare myself with others (sounds familiar, anyone 🙃 This was our end-May convo, I have the next session in 2 weeks!), if all I want to do is sit in my room (the other day, my mom - "thought you used to go for runs! You should take a walk ..." | Me: 🥴😅 wasn't my running stint like, pre-pandemic - that was ages agooo ...), if I've not been the best at keeping up with antidepressants (OKAY THIS ONE - REALLY DON'T ASK) or retainer use (🙃🙃🙃), ... and now a weird phantom headache from I-don't-know-what. & to make a disclaimer, today was an okay-day. Like, met a friend for lunch (friend was working from home) then sat myself at a coffee place after, spent some time reading a book and crocheting. I mean ... minimally I made myself do something that isn't facing the four walls of my room?

I might have a part-time gig coming up, person should get back to me next week. But I'm a bit afraid to say it in writing, just in case it doesn't materialise (for whatever reason 🙃)

Not sure if I'm slipping, not sure if I'm unwell without even realising, .. feels taboo to even think of myself of slipping into "unwell" territory ... you know. 🙃🤔😏

At a baseline I'm still fine-ish, like I'm not about to require any kind of inpatient care 🙃 Although the other day, I was reading a biography and part of it had a section with the subject's experience with mental health conditions - and ... I don't know how it is possible to be triggered yet intrigued at the same time 😏 Like ... it was too much detail for comfort(!), but yet I wanted to find out as much as I could - as if to validate to myself that I had to be _that_ level of unwell to ... legitimize my MH struggles (does this even make sense or does this just sound messed up? 😏)

I'll be okay - although I'll probably include some of these thoughts in my conversation with P in two weeks(-:

#CheckInWithMe #MentalHealth #SocialAnxiety #Anxiety #Employment #Selfesteem

4 reactions


Officially fired for my attendance being bad because of my anxiety which my boss never gave me a chance to get “proof” of my mental illness. I can’t file a claim until my name is out of the system for good, so I’m not sure how to get unemployment for this instance. Anyone??? #Anxiety #AnxietyAttack #PanicAttacks #Depression #BipolarDisorder #Employment

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trying not to jinx myself b like ...

I somehow clinched a freelance contract! I applied for a gig like in early March and didn't really think much (this is my 3rd time applying to this freelance network agency), although I made some enquiries and directly communicated with the person etc. End March, she asks me if I'm free on 2 particular days. I say yes for late April, no for early April.

THEN I realise, if she's gonna pay me well (the early April day was a one-off gig where I'd tried one shift out and didn't like lol), might as well. So I wrote back and said I was open to rearranging my schedule if the opportunity she was gna give was aligned to skills/interest, .. and/or I get to write. Lol.

I ditched it off and then she was like "hey okay, I'll reserve you" ... proceeds to send me an entire contract for 2mo, April and May lol. I've since covered the early April event (oh yo it was today yes) and as I was trying to iron out some deets for it, she mentioned abt me being a writer and asking if I could handle an editorial article her previous writer missed (WHY OF COURSE YES DID YOU SAY LONG-FORM EDITORIAL 🥰)

This one was a bit last min so the client ended up deciding to handle it on their own, but I indicated interest in the series - she's planned it for a couple of articles a week for the next few months, but has yet to send me the brief. I expect she will send me it in a couple of days (-:

I didn't negotiate the rates cos I'm new and I just wanna get into her good books first LOOOOLLL. Might try to haggle later lol 😆

I'm also pending another opportunity (also writing, but for a different organisation - social media writing for non-profit), and if both work out .. there we go I think I'm just gonna freelance for the rest of the year 😆😂 I'm slowly realising this means (1) I can literally stack my plate to earn what I want, I finally see how those food-delivery-drivers wna freelance on that (I never will though, was tempted but increasingly realised its increasingly not worth it) (2) this also then means it will intentionality to determine work vs play hours, and (3) as a freelancer no one is gonna set aside money for my social security thing (in a employed job, employer tops this up) so I'll have to be forced to set it aside myself. That, or I could stuff my money in various investments to grow at better interest lol.

It stokes me how freelance works - I'm realising it could be incredibly cheap for the company (definitely at saving at least 20% in remuneration and another 17% in social security) ... but also, on the part of the employee/freelancer - how it would potentially nab a higher day wage than an employed job.

WIN-WIN THIS IS GENIUS. But the caveat being, having this agency middle[wo]man to match freelancers to projects.

I'm gna try to ease myself into things, but I'm already excited to uh, plug myself for all the editorial writing opportunities that exist LOL 🙃😬

#CheckInWithMe #MentalHealth #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #Employment #Selfesteem

8 reactions 3 comments

I'm sad - humour me ok? :-(

I'm abit afraid to post, I know how irrational that sounds. Most people are nice/empathetic but I'm still abit wary. 🙃

My anxiety has been quite high ... lately/in the past week especially - I'm still on the lookout for my next full-time role, although now I'm considering the possibility of taking freelance/contract work -- didn't want to entertain this possibility at first, but (I'm based in SG 🙃😏) I'm realising the potentially very real possibility that Asian startup bosses might prefer workslaves-- I mean- employees-- that can work overtime all day every day, compared to someone who is "I need to leave on the dot on [insert day]" - for part-time evening classes 🙃

That in mind (aside from personal speculation 😏🙃) I'm just reminded today that in the midst of my PT digital marketing dip .. well, final-assignments of each project can be quite massive it's a freaking full-ass campaign (previous one was 4 mediums of ads, current mod for which I just got the brief today is an Instagram audit + content angles proposal & execution) 🙃😏

I've applied to a few freelance stuff but I'm quite impatient lol - if I don't hear from the companies in a week, I usually take it that they're not considering me ... which I know, doesn't always work like that in the real world 🙃 Case in point, I got on the freelance team of a local up-and-coming non-profit and (obviously, got impatient) --upon a combination of enquiry + social media snooping (lol), I realise it's taking a while cos they're only just expanding operations so it will take a while to even organize frameworks before onboarding people, etc. They gave an interim reply that they're in the process, will reach out in due time etc.

In the midst of all of this - if I don't get anything by end of March, it's abt 6mo without an income, save for some adhoc writing I did for December. Having said that, therapy + teef things don't stop ... the dental front isn't so bad cos like now that I'm on retainers (YAY!) already, reviews are like 3months? I've got one in a week - but it's not like the 4- to 6-weekly it used to be 🙃

... so I'm feeling [more than a bit] anxious & sad at my dwindling bank account 🙃

I don't really know, I guess I'm cautiously trying to see if writing it out helps to process the anxiety a little ... any and all good wishes & prayers appreciated, I feel so ... desperate and sad and (frankly) a bit useless 😳

#CheckInWithMe #MentalHealth #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #Selfesteem #Employment #CheerMeOn

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