This feels silly because I have no reason to be upset, and I honestly feel like it's partly just sheer exhaustion, but right now I just want somebody to like... be nice to me, I don't even know. Maybe I just want to write it out. I'm going to really ramble here so if you don't want to read this that's totally fine, I just need the outlet.
So I used to horseback ride like every day, about 10 years ago, before I got sick. I'm very lucky to have a friend now who has horses she's letting me ride, who are calm enough that I can just ride at a walk for now and maybe try going on some trails. Last week was my first time back in the saddle in ages and it went well; I really did not push it, which was smart because I was in plenty of pain after. (I have fibro which for me = chronic joint pain and fatigue.) Today I went back to ride again even though I was feeling drained. I'd been looking forward to it all week, and am too afraid I won't pursue it further if I don't make myself go even when I'm tired. Riding is really important to me, has been a part of who I am for so long and I miss it in this soul-deep way. So I don't want to push myself in a self-destructive way, but I don't want fear of pain or fatigue to hold me back either.
Anyway, there were a bunch of things outside of my control today that made things more stressful -- other people at the barn being kind of unhelpful, mainly, but I don't want to get too far into it, it just created a really stressful atmosphere. And again, I was so tired. By the time I was done grooming and tacking up, my arms were shaking and I felt dizzy. But I didn't want to waste this opportunity. So I rode in the arena at a walk, just spending time getting myself centered and working with the horse. He's a little green, but fairly calm. At a certain point I felt like we were pretty in sync, and I should probably have just stopped there since I was so tired already. It would've been a great note to end on. But instead I decided to ride up into the field a bit, and that's when I had all sorts of issues getting my horse to listen -- he didn't want to go off on his own, & I was so out of practice and so exhausted that I had trouble keeping him moving forward. I did the best I could and we were able to just sort of circle for a while at least. But he really wasn't listening, & when we got back I felt like crying. I did cry in the car on the way home, practically sobbed, which seems so disproportionate. I felt awful. I don't even know why -- because my body struggled so much with what used to be easy for me? This wasn't a terrible ride at all! But I felt so stupid & weak. I used to ride "problem horses" all the time so this shouldn't have been an issue. I can improve my riding & get past this. But I just feel so down & I don't fully know why. I used to gallop off on trails alone. I could do anything then. Now I'm so limited. This isn't a big deal, I should just be proud of myself for trying. I am, but it still hurts.
Latest
1 reaction •
6 comments
