This feels silly because I have no reason to be upset, and I honestly feel like it's partly just sheer exhaustion, but right now I just want somebody to like... be nice to me, I don't even know. Maybe I just want to write it out. I'm going to really ramble here so if you don't want to read this that's totally fine, I just need the outlet.
So I used to horseback ride like every day, about 10 years ago, before I got sick. I'm very lucky to have a friend now who has horses she's letting me ride, who are calm enough that I can just ride at a walk for now and maybe try going on some trails. Last week was my first time back in the saddle in ages and it went well; I really did not push it, which was smart because I was in plenty of pain after. (I have fibro which for me = chronic joint pain and fatigue.) Today I went back to ride again even though I was feeling drained. I'd been looking forward to it all week, and am too afraid I won't pursue it further if I don't make myself go even when I'm tired. Riding is really important to me, has been a part of who I am for so long and I miss it in this soul-deep way. So I don't want to push myself in a self-destructive way, but I don't want fear of pain or fatigue to hold me back either.
Anyway, there were a bunch of things outside of my control today that made things more stressful -- other people at the barn being kind of unhelpful, mainly, but I don't want to get too far into it, it just created a really stressful atmosphere. And again, I was so tired. By the time I was done grooming and tacking up, my arms were shaking and I felt dizzy. But I didn't want to waste this opportunity. So I rode in the arena at a walk, just spending time getting myself centered and working with the horse. He's a little green, but fairly calm. At a certain point I felt like we were pretty in sync, and I should probably have just stopped there since I was so tired already. It would've been a great note to end on. But instead I decided to ride up into the field a bit, and that's when I had all sorts of issues getting my horse to listen -- he didn't want to go off on his own, & I was so out of practice and so exhausted that I had trouble keeping him moving forward. I did the best I could and we were able to just sort of circle for a while at least. But he really wasn't listening, & when we got back I felt like crying. I did cry in the car on the way home, practically sobbed, which seems so disproportionate. I felt awful. I don't even know why -- because my body struggled so much with what used to be easy for me? This wasn't a terrible ride at all! But I felt so stupid & weak. I used to ride "problem horses" all the time so this shouldn't have been an issue. I can improve my riding & get past this. But I just feel so down & I don't fully know why. I used to gallop off on trails alone. I could do anything then. Now I'm so limited. This isn't a big deal, I should just be proud of myself for trying. I am, but it still hurts.
#Anxiety #MightyMoment #mightyfriends #MightyBookClub #TheMightyTakeaway #TheMighty #MightyQuestions #MightyQuotes #Upallnight #PolycysticOvarySyndrome #HashimotosThyroiditis #MyalgicEncephalomyelitis #cfsmeawareness #PinchedNerve #GastroesophagealRefluxDisease #Exercise #DBT #Dbtskills #CBT #BipolarDepression #DepressiveDisorders #Depression #Hugs #Friends #DatingWithAChronicIllness #ChronicIllness #ADHD #BorderlineStigma #MakeMeLaugh #Humor #Art #Photography #hobbies #diet #Healthyeating #HugsNeeded #MightyFeatures #Selfcare #Poetry #god #Church #HorsebackRiding #animalscience #Farming #rollerskating #Activism #Faith #AspergersSyndrome #Aspie who wants a hug and will give me support?
So I used to take lessons about two years ago at an amazing stable and loved it!!! I volunteered there running pony camps for little kids and earned hours to put towards free lessons with an instructor. It kept me busy and being around animals has always been amazing therapy for me. While with my ex bf, I lost sight of the things I loved doing and stopped riding, in turn my anxiety and depression built up over time. Since the breakup I’ve had more time to find the things I love doing and riding is my all time favourite!!!Being on a horse is so exciting and makes me filled with happiness. While on the horse I have an overwhelming feeling of freedom and joy and every bad feeling I have just vanishes. I become one with the animal and it also gives my body the exercise it needs. I leave the lesson feeling sore but completely fulfilled. It’s the one thing that makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something and been productive. I’m never losing sight of the things that make me happy again!! #Anxiety #Depression #HorsebackRiding #Fullfillment