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This heavy feeling that I am absent from myself..this intense longing to know and feel myself as whole is too overwhelming and unbearable. My depression is so very persistent and dark. I always dread looking at the mirror...i have worn this same outfit for 3 days now and i just can not keep myself up. I try to push myself a little more each day so I can maintain a healthy routine. But my tiredness and sore body is hard to stay on top of.

My stomach aches, my head pulses, my muscles ache, can not stay focoused, always tense and on edge, sometimes it's even hard to breath, i have sleeping problems because of nightmares and i get bad migraines..i don't have a sex drive and I have many unexplained health issues, my menstrual cycle is insanely abnormal, i often get painfully loud urges inside my mind to harm myself, i have bad chest pain, and the kind of strength it takes me to get myself out of bed is literally crippling.. sometimes i fall to the floor just by getting out of bed. I get startled too easily and i cry too often, too many negative voices inside my head..and of course there's much more than just all this going is too much. I need a break from myself.

It is the same everyday, it never stops. It hurts. I need help.

#BodyDysmorphicDisorder #ClinicalDepression
#SocialAnxiety #SeperationAnxiety #SuicideSurvivor #EatingDisorders

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what can you do

I’ve been laid up in bed for two weeks. waiting on approval from short term disability for my latest round of back “outage” for lack of anything else to call it. the recent xrays showed advanced DDD. The docs don’t seem to want or care to even discuss that with me as to what to do for the pain. I guess because I refuse to take narcotics they are completely lost as to what to do. any suggestions for things that actually are beneficial? I have to go bavm to work Monday and sitting for the better part of 8 hours or so is a bit scary at this point since I can’t really take anything much at all and work that doesn’t knock me out.

#DegenerativeDiscDisease #Fibromyalgia #EtcEtc


Frustration Venting because I have to let it out somewhere

A few days ago my computer keyboard stopped working. My parents and I went to BestBuy to find me a new computer. They understand how necessary it is to have distraction from my life-altering sanity shattering pain.
They paid for it with the Geek Squad also so that they can help if my computer breaks, since it usually does. The computer came to about $823. My blessed parents paid for it with a Merry Christmas thrown in. I sent my sister a Marco Polo about the incident since it was kind of hilarious to see the techs try to use the keyboard when it didn't work. Human nature and all that.
I woke up to Marco Polo's from her and my brother-in-law. My brother-in-law went to inform me that I needed to step up and return the computer because that was way too much money for a computer. Computers are a luxury he said. He told me I needed to stop spending money on frivolous things and give it to my parents like they deserve. He said I had it easy.

This month I'm going to make $15 from work. I barely have 600 in the bank from many years of scrupulous saving. My money goes towards personal hygiene, clothes, and the like because my parents I know are busy paying for medical bills. I have EBT so it pays for my food, most of it. My pain has been increasing for the past 12 years. 3 years in and I was bed bound. I've been working really hard to learn to push through it and mostly succeeded until these past few years when my pain came to a full level 10 and has not changed for the past 2 years.
My idiots has become severe and is the worst did any of the hospital workers have ever seen. My food doesn't go down and I constantly have to focus on not throwing up as well as breathing fire from acid reflux. My sleep is non-existent with even more pain, sleep medications never working, and of course the swallowing issues. Did I mention blisters on my scalp?

I responded to my brother-in-law by saying that I was really sad that he said that and wished that he could feel my pain for even a minute so he would not think that having a computer was a luxury. To which he responded by throwing a tantrum about how hard he works to pay my parents back for the things they do for him and my sister.
I called my mom sobbing. She calmed me and let me knew that they were not of the same mind as him and they live with me and see my suffering. It is so hard to have someone you call family to belittle 12 years of excruciating pain and call my trying to survive frivolous. I am an extremely forgivable person but this forgiveness is going to take awhile and he will have to work HARD to earn it. I'm just sorry my sister is in the middle of it.

#ChronicPain #Fibromyalgia #GERD #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #Insomnia #ChronicFatigueSyndrome #Arthritis #EtcEtc