fearofflying

There are many different reasons that people fear flying and experience forms of flying anxiety. It isn't a one size fits all phobia, even though the struggle with flying from the outside can often appear somewhat similar. What goes on underneath for each person however is actually quite different for everybody. Many who fear flying are not actually afraid of the plane crashing, for example. Many do trust that the plane will make it to the destination, but it actually becomes very scary to be in a vulnerable environment where they have no sense of control, and not be able to get up and leave when they feel scared.

Feeling trapped when flying can be terrifying. If you're in turbulence, of taking off, or even just cruising mid-flight, it can be the most vulnerable space for some people to be in. If you feel fear and anxiety ramp up when turbulence is happening, you can't do anything to stop the turbulence, and you also can't just leave the plane and come back in twenty minutes. It's a powerless feeling. When you're good at being in control of your environment in your daily life, and in ultimate control of your own body, it can be very difficult to sit in the plane and not be able to control the environment or leave it when you need. You just have to sit in it. In many ways, flying is a space where people have to learn how to hold their vulnerability while staying in it at the same time.

Fear of Being Trapped Happens for Different Reasons

For each person, however, it's different why being trapped causes such distress. For example, some fear being trapped because they're worried they're going to need medical attention and they're not going to have access to what is needed. Others may fear being trapped when flying because their anxiety and panic may become so big that they don't quite know how they'll react. Will they jump up and scream? Will they run up and down the aisle? Others fear being trapped because when they have a lot of people around them they feel enclosed, stuck, and like they can't breathe. And so on.

It's also very hard for many people to be in a space where they feel they may not be able to hide their fear and panic, and it will be noticed by others. The shame can be so great about being noticed that you're struggling, and the idea that you're not able to hold it all together, especially when it feels like you should be able to hold everything together. Every minute having to try to sit on the emotions can feel like an intense pressure and losing battle. Especially if you've grown up feeling there's never been much room for your emotional needs to be attended to, it may feel like you're supposed to hide the emotions, or hold it all together when you're feeling scared. This pressure in a plane, when the vulnerability can be the most intense, feels so overwhelming for people that every minute is filled with anxiety and dread, just wanting to get off the plane again so you can breathe again. There are other reasons that being trapped can be such an unnerving feeling when flying, but these are just some of the reasons that show up most often.

Trapped Within Your Own Skin

In many ways, a fear of being trapped when flying isn't necessarily just about being trapped within the airplane, it can often actually be a fear of being trapped within oneself, and all of the emotions that may feel they're going to become bigger than your body can hold. It's really hard to feel such big emotions and feel like there's nowhere left within you to put them all. This is where anxiety in flying can become more of a panicked feeling. Like there's no space left to breathe and you're becoming trapped.

Basically, it doesn't just feel unsafe inside the plane, it may feel unsafe even within your own skin.

Sitting With Yourself Differently, and Overcoming Fear of Flying

While it's important to learn how to sit in an environment where you don't have control (over the plane, or the people, etc.), there actually is still room to create control within yourself and your own body. But it's not always in the way people are used to creating control in themselves. People often create control by controlling the outside space. It is common to not know how to be with or handle emotions and discomforts on the inside, when the outside is out of your control. Alongside normalization and other elements of the personalized fear of flying therapy approach I created many years ago, part of overcoming fear of flying and being trapped is learning how to listen to yourself, understand yourself, and sit with yourself in a way that can help you feel more safe and calm, even if the environment is uncertain.

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There are four main components involved in overcoming fear of flying: normalization, underlying issues, emotional regulation, and passenger flying education. Each one addresses a separate and relevant pathway that feeds fear of flying. I won't go into all four in this post. However, for each person, it varies what's presently needed. It all depends on where you are emotionally, your own history, and your own experiences. It isn't step-by-step, as much as it is understanding where your needs are in order to help you feel comfortable to fly.

Normalization and Decreasing Flying Phobia

Normalization is an important element of being able to resolve flying anxiety. The concept of normalization is to be able to emotionally experience the normalcy and routine nature of something so your brain and emotions don't react like there's a catastrophe about to happen. Even if there is technically some variable risk in many parts of life, we are able to do things every day that have risk in them because we experience them as normalized. We know that driving has a much, much greater statistical risk attached to it than flying. However, it's easy for many people who fear flying to still get into their cars every day and drive multiple times per day because it's so normalized that the brain doesn't react to it as a threat. You may know there's risk, but emotionally it's become an every day routine that you can trust.

With flying phobia, most people who have a fear of flying have not been able to normalize the experience in this way. This can be for a few reasons. Therapists for cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) would tell you that you just need exposure. But I'll tell you now that traditional CBT does not tend to work well for fear of flying. First of all, it's not possible to provide people enough appropriate exposure with flying unless you can fly regularly (on a weekly basis at least), or get past security in an airport without flying. However, even if you could in theory make this happen, many people come to me who do fly regularly for work and still feel anxious about flying every time they travel. Every time they land they feel they've just gotten lucky and it's a sigh of relief. Exposure on its own doesn't create normalization.

Blocked Normalization

When people aren't able to internalize normalization, it's usually because there is something underlying that is blocking it. Getting to the underlying issues reinforcing your fear of flying is another main component of overcoming this phobia. For everybody, it is different what's happening underneath the surface that is feeding the fear, but it's imperative that what's bolstering your flying anxiety is understood and worked through so you can make room for the normalization. The underlying component is the part of the process that brings the rest together. Removing the underlying blocks while working on the normalization opens the space to internalize normalization, which ultimately allows you to feel more like you're just getting in the car to go from one place to another, rather than a daunting feeling of dread or fear of catastrophe that can appear with getting on an airplane (or can keep you from getting on the plane).

Reverse Normalization

Another part of what reinforces fear of flying for people is the idea of reverse normalization. This is when you are exposed to more negative images and stories about flying than positive, and it leads you to understand flying as dangerous. The images that people often have in their minds of the scary things they imagine can happen, or things they see on tv or in the movies, or even stories in the media that call up these scary images is part of this. This leads to blocking and even undoing normalization. So part of achieving normalization is helping you to be able to let go of the images you may carry about flying while bringing in positive engagement with flying.

Fear of Flying is Emotional -- Not Logical

When flying is normalized, you're able to experience it in your body and emotionally as routine. It's worth knowing that flying phobia is rooted in emotions. You may know statistics, you may know everything about how flying works, you may have all the logical reasons that you'll be okay. But when you fear flying, your body may react before you even have the chance to slow it down. The emotions and body cannot align with what you logically know. This is why people can go into a flight equipped with logic, but then still find themselves afraid anyway.

When the attention is given to what you need emotionally, normalization to flying becomes possible. I have seen people come to either feel indifferent about flying -- where they fly and it's a just a mode of transportation -- to actually enjoying flying and wanting to do it more, even when they used to cancel flights and not get on the plane because it was once so scary. It is possible to overcome this fear.

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I have helped people overcome fear of flying for many years with the personalized approach I developed in my practice. There are a few phases of flying that tend to cause the most anxiety for people. Turbulence is one of the phases that seems to be scary nearly across the board for people who struggle with flying phobia. Occasionally, I do see people who are okay with turbulence, but still struggle with other parts of flying. However, turbulence is something that holds such a feeling of dread and creates panic of certain catastrophe for many.

Different Types of Fear of Turbulence

There are a number of reasons that turbulence can be so unsettling for people, and it often varies from person to person. Sometimes anxiety can come up when not understanding or knowing what is going on. However, it's worth noting that even when people understand it , it often isn't enough to stop the anxiety. Usually turbulence fears can really stir up deeper feelings beyond just not understanding. As I've written about previously, fear of flying is more of a "back of the brain" issue based on emotional responses. You can know all of the statistics in your favor, and you may know that turbulence is not a problem for airplanes. But no matter how much you know in the "front of your brain", the emotional part of you in your mind and body can't seem to align with what you mentally may know.

Anticipation of Turbulence

There are actually different aspects of turbulence that creates worry for people. It isn't just turbulence or no turbulence. For many people, the anticipation of turbulence has them on edge throughout cruise. You may be cruising gently for the majority of the flight, but you can't relax and you may even be paralyzed, waiting for that moment where it's all going to fall apart and the shoe is going to drop. For people in this area, you can't enjoy the moments where things are going fine because there is always a crisis about to happen, at any unknown moment.

Once turbulence starts, there may actually be a moment of slight gratification -- that you've been waiting for this to happen all along and you finally can stop wondering when it's going to happen. However, that gratification is quickly replaced by the anxiety of the unknown of how bad it's going to get.

Loss of Control

For other people, they may be fine in a calm and smooth flight, but the moment turbulence shows up they begin to feel fearful. As long as things are in control, they are calm and feel in control. But the moment bumps happen, they've now lost the feeling of control in the situation. You can't will the turbulence to stop, and you can't just leave the plane, either. This loss of control becomes experienced as an intense vulnerability for some -- one that they can usually avoid in life since there are usually ways to control their way away from the vulnerability in most situations. People in this category struggle to sit in the space of having to sit and wait for the situation to improve no matter how rough it gets.

People in this area tend to experience turbulence as more all-or-nothing. Either there is turbulence or there isn't -- in control or out of control. It's like an on-off switch of flying anxiety, and once the turbulence goes away, it's a sigh of relief because the feeling of control has returned.

Unpredictable Turbulence and the Unknown

Then there are other experiences of turbulence where it isn't so all-or-nothing, or anticipatory. For example, some do okay with certain patterns of turbulence. There might be a noticeable pattern of airplane movement that they can pick up on. Such as, the plane dips a little every ten seconds or so, and then bumps to the side a few seconds later before bumping back up a bit. This pattern repeats in a way that can become predictable. When there is a sense of predictability, this is a form of knowing and control and this can be okay with some people even though it's bumpy.

However, once the flying and turbulence pattern becomes unpredictable, this is when the anxiety comes back in. When the bumps become varied and you don't know which way the plane is going to move, or how much drop or movement will happen each time, it starts to feel like the worst is going to happen at any moment. Anything unpredictable or unknown becomes terrifying. Maybe it will drop too far, or maybe it will get bigger and stronger until it can't recover. For people in this area, the lack of predictability and being in the unknown is the most difficult part.

Difficulty With Trust

And then there is the element of trust for others. For people in this group, it's less about the sensations or the control. The moment the turbulence starts they fear that the pilots don't know what they're doing, or that they're not paying enough attention. Or, what happens if the turbulence gets so bad that the pilots become overwhelmed? While we can call this another form of lack of control as well, to some extent, for people in this area, the worry with turbulence is less about the turbulence itself and more about the lack of trust in people and the systems in place. It feels like no one or anything will be able to handle all of the pressure and stress. It's a scary, vulnerable, and out of control feeling to know that you are relying on people who you're maybe not sure can come through in the roughest moments.

In each aspect of turbulence discussed above, there are different reasons that people struggle in each of these areas. It's also common that people may experience more than one or all of the above types of turbulence fear, rather than just being in one category.

Overcoming Fear of Turbulence

People can and do overcome fears of turbulence, as well as fear of flying. I see people come through these fears all the time, even when they feel it's hopeless to improve. It is possible to sit with turbulence without having to be so overwhelmed with fear. It starts with understanding you and your own personal experience.

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When I work with people on overcoming their fear of flying, there is almost a collective wish that it would always be a quick concrete solution. Of course, that's normal. Who doesn't want to be in-and-out for any issue that can involve debilitating anxiety and significantly limits your life? However, in reality, when it comes to flying anxiety, there are almost always varying elements and layers to the issue. And, for each person, what fuels the fear and anxiety around flying tends to be different from the person next to you. (You can each be afraid of turbulence, but for each person, where this stems from, what it means, and what it needs is often different).

Trust Issues Look For Catastrophe

Trust issues can have a heavy hand in fear of flying. When you have a hard time trusting, there is often the worry of what will happen if you were to allow yourself to be vulnerable. For example, you may not easily trust in relationships out of worry you will be hurt, left, taken advantage of, cheated on, etc. You may not trust the people fixing your car, providing you dental work, or anyone outside of yourself, even. Or, one of the most crippling forms of trust anxiety with flying -- the idea that humans are imperfect and limited as a species, and therefore something must be likely to go wrong. It may be almost automatic for some to see exactly how they are going to suffer, lose, or worse when allowing themselves to trust, or rely on others, or be vulnerable. This is a significant issue with fear of flying.

Trust Issues Often Start At Home

It's important to keep in mind that there are generally reasons for fear around trust. Most people who struggle with trust have either had distrust modeled for them from a young age, or they have been hurt before, or a combination of both. When it comes to fear of flying, trust issues often embedded from childhood can have a way of catching up and wreaking havoc. (Depending on the circumstances, they can also develop later on in ways that can impact fear of flying, as well). This can be especially difficult if you grew up in a home that didn't tend to feel safe on a regular basis -- where there was chaos, abuse, emotional shaming, or a sense of having to walk on eggshells for an emotionally volatile parent or sibling, or otherwise.

Either way, trust issues are complex. Because there likely have been times where trusting didn't work out, as a child or later on. You or someone else may have experienced deep pain from one experience or a collection of them. Some may even experience ongoing pain. Trust issues aren't all fantasy or paranoia. It becomes difficult though when you emotionally feel that the chances of catastrophe weigh equally (or greater) to the chance of being safe in certain situations. It is very possible that one's trust meter can be negatively skewed due to these past experiences -- and unnecessarily increasing your flying anxiety (or relationship anxiety, or otherwise), as a result.

The Plane Becomes The Momentary Home, Internally

When it has been baked in through critical stages of your life that the people you are relying on don't always feel capable of keeping you safe, it can be very hard to go into a vulnerable environment and be able to feel safe. Especially if you are in a position of being completely out of control of the situation, which is often how flying is experienced. When you don't know who's flying the plane, or if you can trust who's building and maintaining the plane, or if they really have your best interest in mind, fear becomes the next response, especially if you can't do anything but sit in your seat and wait. It can feel like you're just waiting for the shoe to drop and everything to fall apart.

This is why trust issues can often lead to panic in flying. If something doesn't go as smoothly as hoped -- turbulence, a flight delay, seat change, an uncooperative passenger, etc. -- it can start to feel like things are getting ready to break down. You start to see all of your worst fears and catastrophes playing out in your mind, and they feel very real.

You Can Let Go Of Trust Issues, While Staying Safe

Trust is only one of a number of possibilities that can make flying difficult for people. When wanting to overcome your fear of flying, it's important that you take the time to learn and come through what's feeding your own fear. No one can convince you that flying is safe when you're scared. Fear doesn't hear reason.

This is why I work from a deeper, more comprehensive and personalized approach to flying anxiety, that centers on you. It is also the reason that when I work with people, people often leave not only feeling better about flying, but also feeling less anxious, more grounded, and more trusting throughout their lives in general, even outside of flying. It is possible to move forward from this fear and open the world for yourself. Reach out if you'd like to discuss your situation or learn about how I can help you through this issue.

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If you are afraid of flying, then you likely have experienced the all-consuming anticipatory anxiety that can arise anytime you're approaching a flight. Or, you may avoid traveling altogether because the fear of sitting trapped in a plane for hours is so overwhelming. While some people's worry focuses on the idea of the ultimate catastrophe, many people who fear flying actually can be even more paralyzed by the idea of the fear itself.

There are a number of reasons that people come to me to help them overcome their fear of flying. One of these reasons is that I approach flying anxiety in a different way than other therapists do, and differently than the numerous videos or other gimmicks advertised online (which are mostly not produced by mental health professionals). If you have tried some of these approaches, you'll find that many don't work well for this complicated phobia. A large number of people tend to come to me after trying those other options, at a point when they feel almost hopeless.

It's worth noting that many of the gimmicks you'll see advertised tend to be a one-size-fits-all, where it is implied that everyone's fear of flying is the same, and just needs the same one approach to conquer it. They may have a video to watch, or exercises to learn, or otherwise. If you come across courses and videos sold by pilots online -- and there are quite a few of these out there -- remember that pilots are very knowledgeable and skilled at flying planes and knowing aviation, which is their specialty. However, they aren't experts in deep emotional processes or what is really driving someone's flying anxiety. While courses or videos that explain flying can be mildly helpful for some people on a rational level, rational-based approaches are generally not greatly helpful for flying phobia, because fear of flying is embedded in deeper emotional processes.

Fear of Flying is Emotional

Fear of flying has varying underlying causes for it, and the actual experiences of the anxiety and fear tend to manifest or present differently from one person to the next. Therefore, a flexible approach and the ability to understand you and your experience on a deeper level is necessary in order to help you overcome it. One major difference between how I approach this issue and how it seems most others approach, is that I enter this fear through the emotional process. When people try to do a one-size-fits-all, or teach you a class, they're coming at it from the front of the brain, so to speak -- the more consciously rational process, which is only available to a person when they are emotionally grounded.

However, when not emotionally grounded, or heavily emotionally activated (in anxiety, panic, or similar), the rational may as well not exist. The deeper emotional processes in the back of the brain are what have developed, sustained, and strengthened your fear of flying. This is the space where it lives, and what takes over when the fears show up. These deeper emotional processes from person to person are entirely unique, based on their own lives, histories, experiences, emotional patterns, etc.

People often want fear of flying to be simple. They wish for someone to give them a couple of tips or techniques and hope that somehow they'll suddenly be flying comfortably. However, finding comfort in an environment that calls for people to have to patiently sit in some of their deepest vulnerabilities and fears is much more complicated than this.

Anticipatory Anxiety and Fear of the Fear

Many people who fear flying struggle deeply with anticipatory anxiety -- the intense dread and anxiety that can show up in the days, weeks, or months leading up to a flight. When it comes to anticipatory anxiety, for some this can be the one of the most uncomfortable places to sit. The fear of the flight and the unknown of how it will go or, more so, how they will actually feel during it. For some, the fear of how terrifying and all-consuming the emotional discomfort will be is what they actually fear the most. The worry that they won't be able to calm themselves (and no one will be able to calm them), and feel like they are losing control, and even worse, that they have no choice but to just sit with it for hours until the plane lands.

In these moments, knowledge and the rational tends to slip away. The front of the brain loses its ability to have control and the back of the brain takes over almost completely. It can be such a powerful takeover that even learned exercises can be forgotten or impossible to access in the moment. This surge in anxiety can be so uncomfortable, and feel so terrifying that, often, this can become the anticipated fear. The fear of having to experience this out-of-control discomfort and fear at all. Even if someone knows in their mind that the flight itself will be okay, when the body can't hear or access this, then it feels on every level like they won't be okay.

What does this mean?

Overall, flying anxiety is an emotional process. It needs to be treated by getting to understand you and your process personally, and knowing how to respond in needed ways to this. Purchasing a pre-recorded, blanket-approach video or program doesn't do this. It doesn't get to know your process, or help you in a way you are needing. Flying anxiety runs deep, and people are often surprised to find that depth of the fear isn't always as much about flying itself than they realize at first (which is part of the reason that the over-focus on how flying works doesn't tend to work so well, even if it can create a temporary sense of control).

While there is more to the complexity of the process than can be articulated in one article, it is important to know that you can overcome fear of flying. Whether you've had it as long as you can remember, or if it's a recent development, there is hope. It just has to be the right approach that is attuned to you and what you need.

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