Latest
I need to vent...
Today was my second behind the wheel test and initially, I wasn’t nervous about it. It wasn’t until I got to my mom’s car is when I got nervous. This is because she is visibly annoyed. On top of that, she has to point out what I’m already seeing on the road which makes me more nervous which lead to deep frustration. I’ve come to realize that whenever I have something happening in my life that most people have done before me, the “pep talk “ feels more like I’m being told that I’m messing up, if I hadn’t already messed up. I’ve been working on changing my perspective on what happens to me now and into the future. Long story short, I did well, but didn’t pass because a car was coming in my blind spot. It was a blow, but I took it because 1) that’s something to work on, 2) the instructor was very calm about it, and 3) I have another chance to take the test again. When I told my mom about it, she again looked visibly disappointed. Again, I feel like I’ve wasted her time, that I feel like I’m missing the mark of where I’m supposed to be. It’s when this happens, I notice that when I told others about my slip ups, they are supportive in a sense. With my mother, I feel like a failure. Then I think of my brother who got a license before me. How he seems to be doing better than I am. I can almost see why my perception of the world and myself is so warped: I carry a lot of guilt from things that I fail to accomplish and my mother makes me feel like I can’t do anything on my own. So, for the last few hours I was cleaning and drinking to take my mind off of my situation. I do really feel like I’m my mother’s biggest letdown. And for that reason, I bottle up my feelings about it because it would look like I’m blaming her for doing “what was best for me.” #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Feelinglikeaburden
