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I need to vent...

Today was my second behind the wheel test and initially, I wasn’t nervous about it. It wasn’t until I got to my mom’s car is when I got nervous. This is because she is visibly annoyed. On top of that, she has to point out what I’m already seeing on the road which makes me more nervous which lead to deep frustration. I’ve come to realize that whenever I have something happening in my life that most people have done before me, the “pep talk “ feels more like I’m being told that I’m messing up, if I hadn’t already messed up. I’ve been working on changing my perspective on what happens to me now and into the future. Long story short, I did well, but didn’t pass because a car was coming in my blind spot. It was a blow, but I took it because 1) that’s something to work on, 2) the instructor was very calm about it, and 3) I have another chance to take the test again. When I told my mom about it, she again looked visibly disappointed. Again, I feel like I’ve wasted her time, that I feel like I’m missing the mark of where I’m supposed to be. It’s when this happens, I notice that when I told others about my slip ups, they are supportive in a sense. With my mother, I feel like a failure. Then I think of my brother who got a license before me. How he seems to be doing better than I am. I can almost see why my perception of the world and myself is so warped: I carry a lot of guilt from things that I fail to accomplish and my mother makes me feel like I can’t do anything on my own. So, for the last few hours I was cleaning and drinking to take my mind off of my situation. I do really feel like I’m my mother’s biggest letdown. And for that reason, I bottle up my feelings about it because it would look like I’m blaming her for doing “what was best for me.” #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Feelinglikeaburden


Crawling Start

I didn’t do a whole lot today, but I manage to do enough that felt right for me. I’ve been drawing a lot recently. Some of it doesn’t turn out great, but out of the few things I’ve done I’m proud of. I wanted to do some stretching/light workouts today, I did feel better after the fact and thought I should do something to get my body moving and my mind distracted every so often when I need to. Did some cleaning as well. My new medication came today which I was happy about. I don’t know why, but I’m happy that I’ll be getting mentally evaluated in a month as well. I’m kind of on watch at home as well. After telling my mom about my ideations, she’s been checking in on me and I’ve been checking in with her. On the day that I opened up about it, she kept peeking in my room to see if I was alright (even when I slept). The negative thoughts never really went away even when I tried to focus on other things. I still feel like my presence holds no weight, I still feel like all the people I care about don’t need me around. I’m aware that these thoughts aren’t true, there are people that tell me that I’m important to them and that I’ve been helpful to them. On the other side of the coin, that side of “me” finds it hard to believe that I’m valued. I’m aware that my mind isn’t handling things the same way as a person who can navigate through situations be it internal or external. With this keen awareness of myself is scary sometimes. It’s scary that sometimes it feels like I’m looking at myself as if “I “ stepped outside my body and was looking at my life and the rest of the world. Along with me internalizing a lot of my emotions, inner turmoil, among other things, I feel like I’m to blame for a number of things. I feel like I’m either a burden to others or that I’m not enough. There’s a lot that goes through my mind on a regular basis, and lately it’s been an overload of stuff. #Depression #MentalHealth #MentalHealthAwareness #Thoughts #Outofbody #CheckInWithMe #Newmeds #NegativeThoughts #negativityisconsumingme #Feelinglikeaburden #Notenough #blamingself #Duality



#BehcetsDisease and it’s ever evolving symptoms has gotten me very down lately. I have a 13yr old, and I am constantly feeling like I am missing out on her life. How do y’all deal with the disappointment of being sick? #Feelingsad