All cards on the table, I’ve been dying to use that meme. But though I find it hilarious, my mental health hasn’t been this bad since 2007. I had a virtual visit with my psych today and we are changing my depression meds. I said I felt guilty for having to go to another program after all these years, and felt like I had failed. He reminded me that I have a medical illness and I didn’t do anything wrong. Plus, here are some recent stressors in my life:
*Just had a total hysterectomy. The mental health people at the ER psych ward kept saying how I had a “loss”, but I must be in strong denial because I’m not sad about losing my ability to get pregnant.
*On July 26th, it was the 20th anniversary of a classmates death. He was very kind to me through out our school years. He taught me it’s okay to need help sometimes and that I was worth someone’s time. He had a big impact on my life that I’m still trying to understand. And I’ve never fully grieved his death. I feel like I really need him right now.
*My ex-best friend, who ended our friendship because I was a burden to her (those are my therapist’s words after reading her text) is engaged to someone, and everyone knows it will be a big mistake. I won’t get into why, but losing her as a friend played into my trust and abandonment issues from childhood. Even my mom is heartbroken over it. She said, I should be there right now for her, but I’ll never again support a friend making a horrible decision. I’ve done that before and both best friends just got divorced.
*We found out my beloved dog, Wilson, only has a few months left to live. He just turned 11. The news was not surprising, and he’s still happy but just slowing down.
All those stressors combined with the fact that my meds are obviously no longer working makes sense that I’m where I am now. I have a tendency to forget these things. I keep a list in my phone of all my 12 diagnoses because it reminds me that there’s reasons I can’t work or do the things I want. I forget and let my pride and ambition get in the way. That probably won’t help everyone.
I hope my new med works. Well, we all feel that way.
The program is supposed to start Monday (virtually). It’s M-F 9am-3pm for 3 weeks. It’s going to be exhausting. But doing nothing about your problems or illnesses changes nothing. I’m not excited to be in group therapy again but I’ll be fine. It’s not my first barbeque.
There are other things that are bothering me, like the fact that my closest friend has barely checked in on me after my life changing surgery and psych ward visit. I didn’t even get a card. But she’s just finishing her own therapy program for OCD so, it’s understandable. But it still hurts for some reason since I was there for her and now I’m in need. #Depression #Anxiety #PTSD #MentalHealth #CheckInWithMe #Newmeds