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Notes on Being #Fine

I’m fine and also not fine. I woke up and got out of bed but wanted to stay curled up in its soft warmth forever. I’m better and also not better. My head and body don’t pound like hammers today, but I might have molasses in my blood. My muscles ache. Did I run a marathon in my sleep? Maybe that truck in my nightmare slammed into me. The world is sharp. But I'm strong and also weak. My brain won’t let #Fibromyalgia win, but my body begs for weightlessness, for detachment from earth and ascension into some other realm where pain does not exist. I will shower today, and it will invigorate and exhaust me. I will not do my hair or makeup. I will be half undone today. I am a reluctant entity today. I am not fine. But I will smile because it’s what I do. I am a paradox, and I am fine. #warrior #fibrowarrior #ChronicIllness #OnedayAtaTime

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Why are we so afraid to tell people how we really feel? Every time I enter a store the associate greets me and asks how I am and I usually always answer fine thanks you? Is it impolite to say how we REALLY feel? Socially unacceptable to say I’m bad, but how are YOU? #Depression #ChronicIllness #ChronicPain #NotOK #Fine #Anxiety


Today sucks #Depression #BipolarDisorder #Fine

Today is a day I don’t feel like being alive. And it makes me very sad. The medicine makes me physically feel like shit and the illness makes me mentally feel like shit. I’m so over it all. How I’ve made it half way through work I’m not even sure, considering I was planning on calling out. I. Don’t. Want. To. Be. Here. Anywhere.


Is it me or did anyone else not know that being “fine” can be translated to “Feelings Inside Not Expressed”?

I heard it on a tv programme this week and thought it a great way to express myself. It says so much! Am I the only one that’s never come across it before? #Fibromyalgia #howareyou #Fine #Feeling



I’m fine, I’ve always been fine and I’ll always be fine. Because telling someone that I’m not fine, admitting that I’m not alright, that I’m a broken, miserable mess of a human would make it real. Admitting that I’m not fine would make it real, and it would make the people around me worry, it would make them want to help me when really, there is no helping me. You can’t fix me. The only way to fix me is to erase everything I have lived through, to erase my memories, my experiences, the scars on my body and my soul. I can never say that I'm not fine, but admitting that I'm damaged, that’s a different set of things. I am damaged by what I've lived through. I suffer from it. I have nightmares, it haunts me. I am damaged, and I'll always be fine. Because I know that I can survive. And that’s why I'll always be fine, because I survived, and I'll keep on surviving.
#damaged #Fine #howareyou


No Reason

“The really good news is you don’t have any kind of degenerative condition or sickness that could be causing permanent damage to your brain. You’re fine physically and that means there’s no reason why you can’t make a complete recovery.”This is a quote from the book “The Raw Shark Texts” by Steven Hall. It really hit a nerve because I cannot count the number of times I have heard this from medical professionals and backyard therapists. In this beginning, I would feel frustrated, sometimes anger, and sometimes lost. Now, reading this, I feel empty from too many years of the futility of it all. #Futility #TheresNothingWrong #Fine #InYourHead #NoReason