Notes on Being #Fine
I’m NOT REALLY OK
Today is a day I don’t feel like being alive. And it makes me very sad. The medicine makes me physically feel like shit and the illness makes me mentally feel like shit. I’m so over it all. How I’ve made it half way through work I’m not even sure, considering I was planning on calling out. I. Don’t. Want. To. Be. Here. Anywhere.
Is it me or did anyone else not know that being “fine” can be translated to “Feelings Inside Not Expressed”?
I’m fine, I’ve always been fine and I’ll always be fine. Because telling someone that I’m not fine, admitting that I’m not alright, that I’m a broken, miserable mess of a human would make it real. Admitting that I’m not fine would make it real, and it would make the people around me worry, it would make them want to help me when really, there is no helping me. You can’t fix me. The only way to fix me is to erase everything I have lived through, to erase my memories, my experiences, the scars on my body and my soul. I can never say that I'm not fine, but admitting that I'm damaged, that’s a different set of things. I am damaged by what I've lived through. I suffer from it. I have nightmares, it haunts me. I am damaged, and I'll always be fine. Because I know that I can survive. And that’s why I'll always be fine, because I survived, and I'll keep on surviving.
#damaged #Fine #howareyou
“The really good news is you don’t have any kind of degenerative condition or sickness that could be causing permanent damage to your brain. You’re fine physically and that means there’s no reason why you can’t make a complete recovery.”This is a quote from the book “The Raw Shark Texts” by Steven Hall. It really hit a nerve because I cannot count the number of times I have heard this from medical professionals and backyard therapists. In this beginning, I would feel frustrated, sometimes anger, and sometimes lost. Now, reading this, I feel empty from too many years of the futility of it all. #Futility #TheresNothingWrong #Fine #InYourHead #NoReason