TW - talk of suicide
I am not OK.
And that, has been an understatement lately to be perfectly honest.
Today I attended yet another virtual funeral for another friend who the system had failed and ended with her taking her life.
Thats I think 3 now just within the past year.
Things are worse then ever in the world right now and access to proper help seems to be harder to obtain then ever as well... not that proper help without farther traumatization has ever been very obtainable honestly.
All of these friends I have lost were all friends I had met during various inpatient stays in hospital.
Friends that understood my struggles and made me feel less alone in ways many of my friends growing up never really understood in the same way.
I have had so much loss in my life, but when you lose friends to suicide, it's a whole new kind of grief.
Add that on top of my first year (even though I'm 32) actually ever living in my own.
Add that on top of recovering from my 5 major abdominal surgery last February at home living alone for the first time. It was my fourth emergency abdominal surgery due to obstructions caused by scar tissue from repeated surgeries all stemming from the original one which Happened due to a misdiagnosis when I was 18.
Life is fun...
My chronic pain conditions on top of my digestive conditions I've had all my life have all been getting progressively worse as well to the point where within the past year of living alone I've had to start using mobility aids as well like a walker and a shower chair upon other things and seems to be getting worse to the point where I can hardly function in the most basic ways that people need to do in order to stay alive - like use your hands to make good or to be able to shower and such things.
It's not an easy reality, especially when your still fairly young. When you have only just begun to realize what it is to be able to live Alone but also knowing you likely won't be able to much longer but the only other choice is to go live with your parents that have their own physical and mental health issues that you know will be a massive challenge to handle just on its own. Issues that have impacted your life enough already.
There is also the financial difficulties.
Im thankful I am able to recieve disability funding- but that's really hardly enough to actually survive on.
I often can't afford to both pay my few bills and also still have funds to afford food in a month. Beyond the small amount of internet I get on my phone plan, I can't afford internet... but I consider internet a luxury and having a roof over my head and food to eat much more important.
I have a lot of #Trauma as well. I believe years of all kinds of trauma is called c-ptsd. I saw a trauma therapist for several months, but like many health care professionals, ended up feeling abandoned by them as well.
My pain levels for the past month gave been relentless in severity and I'm beyond feeling hopeless at this point.