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Feeling extreme out of body experience.

Everytime I go through a full blown episode the worst it gets.. Laying on the floor and staring at nothing is all i do while im having a full blown episode. After I impulsively shopped, stole something, and thinking of harder drugs nonstop of course..

Its like im running on a treadmill and the speed is getting faster and faster. Until I cant go the speed of it all & I get pulled right from underneath me... I know one day I wont be able to handle all this like I usually can.. and that scares me the most. #Bipolar2Disorder #BipolarDisorder #Anxiety #NotOK

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Alcohol addiction

How do you define as a person who has an addiction to alcohol? Like am I an #Addict or just having a good time? How do I know when it’s #NotOK #Asking #addicton

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How Do You Get Help When You're Not Believed? #Anxiety #ocd #Stress #emotionalhealth #MentalHealth #Abuse #NotOK

I wrote this as a comment on a post, but I decided to post it as my own post as well. I've left a lot out. Please keep that in mind.

I welcome advice, comments, and suggestions. I'll respond ASAP. Keep in mind I have to wait for my phone.

Unfortunately, I can't say when I'll be available. My phone needs repair, which we couldn't schedule until mid-month, and the wireless charger my boyfriend got is slow, despite saying fast. I need to get out of this relationship, away from here, take my cats, and get a mess of things done. I have a skin infection (on antibiotics), never feel healthy anymore (haven't in a long time), and I was really upset and scared when I saw the doctor, but my blood pressure was really high, and I'm scared I'm going to die. My boyfriend yelled at me about my OCD. He's getting worse. He doesn't care if I'm sweating, he's freezing and won't turn the air conditioning on. We've been together almost 30 years, and when it was me who was freezing, he would tell me to put on "more layers," that you can only take off so many layers, but you can always add layers. I have a hard time sleeping when I'm hot and my OCD is worse. I went to a place in another city to call the police or a social worker or something (my phone wasn't working, and I was in hell far worse without my phone than I have been before), even though I'm not always felt welcome when I'm there. I just didn't want to be alone. The police were cold and sounded irritated with me. The male officer I spoke with was especially stern. They wanted to know why I didn't go to the police in the area of the motel. I couldn't think, and my thoughts were racing, and I was scared and crying. I don't know the area where the motel is; I know one road, and about 20 miles in one direction... The other, I know how to get to other places, like where I was calling from. I know a *little bit* of another road. I use GPS when I have to go on different roads. I can't plug my phone into the car and get it to work, plus my car needs servicing, like NOW. I didn't want 911, anyway. I just wanted an officer to come to take some info, just in case. I was alone and scared. I told the male officer I had an OCD problem with going to the police station, anyway, and he said, very stern, "What's your ocd got to do with it?" I just don't know what to say when I'm being spoken to like this. I'm so scared they're going to call an ambulance to come take me to a mental hospital, and I can't do that for several reasons, one being I have cleithrophobia. I don't belong there, anyway. I lose my mind just being in the motel room. But they asked if I wanted them to call an ambulance. They asked my name. They asked my address and old address. They asked what kind of car I had. I don't know why I answered these questions. I was scared not to, I guess. But they didn't ask one question about him. Not one damned question! Like they didn't believe me! 😢😡😭


How ptsd affects my everyday life #NotOK

PTSD has made my life 10.000 times more difficult. Only the slightest thought of going through something or problem I need to deal with, makes me feel bad for the entire time, and people asking me for a loan or anything, I feel the obligation to do it. It's not ok. I have the right to say no and not please everyone so I don't have a conversation unpleasant. #NotOK

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Suffering lately

So tired...
&no ability to try to say much more then that in my current state.

I really like this piece written by @sarakvittor_poetry though that popped up in my IG feed today. It feels relatable right now.

On that note... I think I'm going to go and sleep some more of the day away because after spending the majority of my last 4 hours awake crying since I pried myself out of bed last, I find myself feeling beyond exhausted once again.

But hey, I'm still alive right... so that's gotta count for something...



#MentalHealth #MentalHealthAwareness #Depression

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I'm OK though

The stress is high, my chest feels tight
I just want to say that I'm not alright
But it's easier for me to say that I'm okay though
Because of the trauma from the past I used to know
Trying to hold on to something that has no grip
Every day I feel myself continue to slip
#ChronicIllness #Depression #Anxiety #Trauma #PTSD #CPTSD #MedicalTrauma #NotOK

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I am #NotOK .

TW - talk of suicide

I am not OK.

And that, has been an understatement lately to be perfectly honest.

Today I attended yet another virtual funeral for another friend who the system had failed and ended with her taking her life.
Thats I think 3 now just within the past year.

Things are worse then ever in the world right now and access to proper help seems to be harder to obtain then ever as well... not that proper help without farther traumatization has ever been very obtainable honestly.

All of these friends I have lost were all friends I had met during various inpatient stays in hospital.
Friends that understood my struggles and made me feel less alone in ways many of my friends growing up never really understood in the same way.

I have had so much loss in my life, but when you lose friends to suicide, it's a whole new kind of grief.

Add that on top of my first year (even though I'm 32) actually ever living in my own.
Add that on top of recovering from my 5 major abdominal surgery last February at home living alone for the first time. It was my fourth emergency abdominal surgery due to obstructions caused by scar tissue from repeated surgeries all stemming from the original one which Happened due to a misdiagnosis when I was 18.

Life is fun...

My chronic pain conditions on top of my digestive conditions I've had all my life have all been getting progressively worse as well to the point where within the past year of living alone I've had to start using mobility aids as well like a walker and a shower chair upon other things and seems to be getting worse to the point where I can hardly function in the most basic ways that people need to do in order to stay alive - like use your hands to make good or to be able to shower and such things.

It's not an easy reality, especially when your still fairly young. When you have only just begun to realize what it is to be able to live Alone but also knowing you likely won't be able to much longer but the only other choice is to go live with your parents that have their own physical and mental health issues that you know will be a massive challenge to handle just on its own. Issues that have impacted your life enough already.

There is also the financial difficulties.
Im thankful I am able to recieve disability funding- but that's really hardly enough to actually survive on.
I often can't afford to both pay my few bills and also still have funds to afford food in a month. Beyond the small amount of internet I get on my phone plan, I can't afford internet... but I consider internet a luxury and having a roof over my head and food to eat much more important.

I have a lot of #Trauma as well. I believe years of all kinds of trauma is called c-ptsd. I saw a trauma therapist for several months, but like many health care professionals, ended up feeling abandoned by them as well.

My pain levels for the past month gave been relentless in severity and I'm beyond feeling hopeless at this point.


I hate my life because my body hates me.... #lupussucks

In a major flareup, the North Pole slipped, fell, and has taken up residence in Texas #NotOK , and my depression is horrible. I am grateful to have a son who loves me and does what he can at the age of 20 years old. Soon my son and I will move to Ft. Worth to live close to my best friend #bestfriendsrock where we can live close to a warm and loving family. In the mean time I do so wish that the North Pole will take it's frigid air and snow back to where it belongs. God bless everyone!


How wrong was I ???

Why is it that when things feel really crappy and you say surely they can't get any worse !!
BOOM !!!!! its like something just says do you want to bet !!!!

Same crap different day !!!
#Anxiety #Depression #fedup #MentalHealth #NotOK