The Light Returns
Each night I watch the sun disappear
As the light fades I become filled with fear
Will I ever be able to see the beauty again
I’m curled on the floor my mind screaming when, when, when
The cold floor causes my body to shake like a leaf in the fall wind
I want to move but the darkness has me pinned
I used to have strength to stand tall again
Right now I feel so close to the absolute end
I take a deep breath watching my chest rise and fall
Stand tall, stand tall, stand tall I hear someone call
I have endured what feels like an eternity of darkness
But now the light begins to seep in and I can once again see my purpose
It’s as if my eyes are open for the first time
I lost track of my path because I had become blind
I look up now and the light fills my mind body and soul
With the love of others I’ve been pulled out of the black hole
Before darkness comes again
I take some light and store it in a sacred bin
I’m reminded that the darkness doesn’t have to erase my hope
Instead it can clean it with a simple bar of soap
So I don’t wait for the bitter end to arrive
I look at my my life moving forward walking with a tall confident stride
It’s been a while since I’ve posted. I’ve had a lot going on emotionally and physically. I’ve had to learn that it’s ok not to be ok no matter how others make me feel. If you’re struggling, I hear you and sending prayers and good vibes your way. #ChronicMigraines #OccipitalNeuralgia #Fibromyalgia #ADHD #Fibromyalgia #ChronicFatigueSyndrome #OnedayAtaTime
Mom passed 7 months ago and grief isn’t simple (for anyone). Since early May, my grief has tangled so tightly with my bipolar depression, anxiety, aging, chronic pain, and highly sensitive nervous system that I’ve been left with a knotted ball, growing heavier and heavier.
I move between rooms of our home, no routine, no logic. I will do one-quarter of a task before leaving for another spot where I’ll notice another thing to do and before it’s finished I retreat to the couch. It's a great deal like a Roomba (and if I could fit under the couch like the Roomba, I'd hide there some days).
In one room I will cry because I can’t tell if it’s a King sheet or a Queen and leave the bed unmade. So I'll pull out all my nice Sharpie markers to draw but then can't think of anything to doodle. So, I'll go for a walk only to turn back by the end of the street because I’m just too physically weak (or it’s much hotter than I thought). Eventually, I'll make it into my office to edit an essay but go online to research my local politicians instead. Soon I'll start crying again and go outside to pull weeds. On the porch, I’ll read a single paragraph of the same book I’ve started and stopped four times since Mom passed and then give up and take out the trash but not the recycles.
Perhaps it is post-pandemic, empty-nest, aging-brain induced ADD? I am certain my friends and family with ADD can relate to this Roomba feeling. Grief itself brings a disorientation as the brain accepts that someone should exist that does not anymore.
And while I’m not ready to call this thought "hope," at least today, in this moment, I find comfort in the ways of little Roomba:
move forward a little at a time,
spin away from obstacles to find another path,
be patient with the process, and
return to base to recharge your batteries.
I have lived with Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue since I was 14 years old. I was recently diagnosed with CKD Stage 3A (which is scary to me), and a rare condition called Hypophosphatasia (adult onset). I am also immunocompromised and get sick almost weekly or every 10 days with something new. Hoping that being a part of a support community that can understand, will be an encouragement in my life. I am so weary of it all!
#weary #persevere #OnedayAtaTime #exhausted
I used to wait on special occasions to wear certain clothes, perfumes, etc.. Then, I realized that every day is a special occasion and I should start living like it was. #ChronicMigraines #OccipitalNeuralgia #ADHD #Fibromyalgia #Anxiety #Depression #CheckInWithMe #ChronicFatigueSyndrome #OnedayAtaTime
Today this is me BANG ON !!!
I've been so crabbit , snappy and just irritable all day. I've not slept past few nights, my pain is the worst its been in a bit , back on crutches again because of how severe the pain from my back is and its causing me to limp and struggling walking or moving about,its also causing weakness in my right leg and side which is constant pain.I know I'm absolutely exhausted so this won't help it all and lack of sleep and overthinking really does heighten this feeling, but I've just felt so crappy all day.Was the kids first day of school holidays and felt all I done was moan,complain,snap or just be a rubbish mummy basically the full day.This resulted in them being bored or fed up at times so ended up fighting or bickering ,then not listening when I was trying to talk it through with them which made me even more frustrated just felt like I'd have been as well being completely invisible today .Now it's bed time and my MUMMY guilt, anxiety,disappointment in myself and sadness has well and truly kicked in .
I am in so much pain and so fed up of how much it effects my every day life,my physical and my mental and emotional health.Fed up struggling with things I use do have no issues with doing, Frustrated at the fact the kids can see I'm not like the mummy I was , I can't do the same simple things anymore,I am upset and down because I feel like a failure.
Well im sure it will be another painful,sleepless night of blaming,and ridiculing myself.
Tomorrow I just have to look at it as a fresh new day and try my best to make sure I don't end up doing a repeat of today's mood and then going to bed feeling the way I do now.
It's another reminder that this is just the way it is now ,and I will have difficult days and maybe I done too much at the weekend trying to think I could do the things I used to and I've obviously made my back worse.
Some days are harder than others and today was a really BAD and crabbit day.
All I can do is try my best tomorrow .
I’ve been busy since my birthday last Thursday! I’ve been trying new supplements that are helping me have some more good days! Never Give Up! Good days are ahead! #ChronicMigraines #OccipitalNeuralgia #ADHD #Fibromyalgia #Anxiety #Depression #CheckInWithMe #letstalkdepression #ChronicFatigueSyndrome #OnedayAtaTime
My husband left me five years ago because of my health problems. I’ve had five years to work on myself. I’ve read books, did some counseling, stayed in Church, and regular appts with my doctor. I can say that I’m learning to Bloom With Grace finally! Blooming takes time! #ChronicMigraines #OccipitalNeuralgia #ADHD #Fibromyalgia #Anxiety #Depression #ChronicFatigueSyndrome #CheckInWithMe #OnedayAtaTime #letstalkdepression