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To slip into a role

Why do I always feel like a different person, whenever I get triggered… I hate this feeling… I really do… I don’t understand why I just can be myself… I feel like I don’t even know who I am anymore…
I am always somebody else that is despicable… I hate myself so much… I just want to be normal, well I want to be the person I was before the sexual assault.
But I keep on getting worse and sinking in shame…. I hate myself and my life so much… #Shame #PTSD #Hatemylife

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New strech marks = mega depression

Today I looked in the mirror for the first time in over a year. I have noticed my belly is full of strechmarks, red and raw... I know this isn't the end of the world but when I left my abusive ex 5 years ago, I honestly thought I would lose weight and learn how to be happy. Instead I am at my heaviest ever and miserable, which triggers my anxiety, which makes me stress eat... thus never allowing me some kind of peace
I just want it to end already ffs #weight gain #Depression #depressed #Hatemylife #Hatemyself #someonepleasekillme

1 comment

reaching out

I know I'm supposed to reach out when I'm feeling like craps amd hating my life and everything in it but. it feels a bit like the definition of insanity: repeating the same behaviour expecting diferent results. I reach out to people but I can never seem to find the help I need, I wait it out and track out again in hopes of help not still nothing. Again I reach out and still get the same result. So my conclusion of the day is that I am insane because I keep reaching out in hopes that I get a different result than the last time but it doesn't work out that way. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Hatemyself #Hatemylife


Depressed and Frustrated

I'm so upset I could almost cry. My Psychiatrist office called last minute to say my appointment was canceled and they had rescheduled me for the end of next month. this has happened three times in a row now. so it gave me no option but to go to emerg as I was out of meds. the dr in ER treated me like I was some kind of drug addict. He harassed me for 15 minutes straight before giving me the prescription. l have had the diagnosis and been on meds for years it's nothing new. Now I am terrified of reaching out for help again.

People go on and on about ending the stigma and encouraging people to reach out for help. but nothing will never change if this is the way we get treated when we do ask for help.

#Hatemylife #depressed #frustrated #MentalHealth #Anxiety #PanicAttack


#Depression #Selfworth #Hatemyself #Hatemylife What should I do I need him he’s my soulmate my love my world

I don’t have anybody to talk to and the person that I need to talk to which is him decided to block me and ignore me I just found out that the man I love who we been on and off for over a year got a girlfriend and she’s pregnant and they live together she literally has everything that I want and I have nothing she has my man and what is suppose to be my family I don’t have anything to live for now I don’t have a reason to live he’s gone. I can’t move on cause I love him too much and I won’t be happy with anybody else but him I always think about him and her I seriously have nobody .

1 comment

I freaking wish I were dead

There’s nothing more I want than to be dead. I freaking don’t care! I just don’t get what I did?! I don’t know and I hate it when people say no we’re not acting in a certain way. Like seriously?!
My mom is unbelievable. I usually never say anything but for once I did say something and I supported my brother in him saying that our mother does not have equality between her kids. And that she doesn’t admit it! My mom stopped talking to me and believes she hasn’t done anything wrong. If I feel neglected it’s not her fault. If I feel she has a completely different relationship with my siblings I’m wrong. If I say she doesn’t care about how I feel, I’m wrong. If she says that she knows when her one kid is sad but I clearly feel it’s not true in my case, I’m wrong! I’m freaking wrong everytime.
And then to top it all I don’t like people anymore. I hate uni, I hate not having friends, I hate myself. I just wish something would happen and I’d be dead. Like a car hits me, or I get some sort of disease, or I fall down the stairs and die, or someone shoots me.
I don’t wanna live!
Yes my life’s perfect for everyone else but it’s not for me. It freaking isn’t! I hate every bit of it!
#Depression #Death #Suicide #sucidal #Hatemylife