I'm realizing this week just how upset I am that it took that long for me to even figure out that life shouldn't be this hard.
◇This is your warning that this is a long post. I decided I was going to let the ADHD monster go because anyone reading this would likely understand.◇
It started earlier this week when I was discussing with an elementary teacher how we might help one of our students who is diagnosed with ADHD. I am a special education paraprofessional at my alma mater. This teacher taught me as well. Our discussion went something like this:
Her: You work so well with him. I don't know how you do it, but keep it up.
Me: Because I understand him. I was diagnosed with ADHD in college. You know how I always got in trouble for talking or daydreaming. Or how I would have to ask you to repeat something you had just said? ADHD. I'm sure there was more, but I always remember getting in trouble for those things.
Her:* looks at me for a few seconds* Oh my gosh. Really!? Besides those things though, you were a really good student. You were reading at a 6th grade level when you were in my class (3rd grade)!
Me: And I got in trouble for reading those books while you were teaching. Another ADHD thing called hyperfocus. I just couldn't transition from reading to learning like other kids, and it doesnt help that I loved, and still love those books.
The conversation kept going, but this part stuck out to me. If I would have been dumb, would they have gotten me tested then?
The second thing came from my work momma.
Backstory: I've been losing a lot of weight unintentionally, and my new PCP thinks it's my meds. I told her I've been on them for almost 4 years and they've never caused a problem before. We've done all the other tests (thyroid, EGD, CBC) and can't find another cause for it. I was maintaining it after we initially saw the loss and the other tests, so she said I could stay on my meds as long as I didn't lose anymore. I have an appointment next week, so I got on my home scale to see where I was at. Despite being on a high-calorie diet, I've lost 5 pounds in 3 weeks. I literally started crying from frustration because 1) I don't think it's my meds but they're going to take me off of them and 2) despite being in a healthy bmi range, I don't want to lose more weight. I was happy about 15 lbs ago when I couldn't see my rib cage.
My work momma has been my support through the entire thing. When I got the results from my EGD, which the nurse did a horrible job in delivering to me, I had a panic attack even though my results were good. I just texted Momma B that I got the results and that I was in my car trying to calm myself down. A couple minutes after I texted her, she calls me, "where are you!?" "I'm at home. I just walked in the house." I forgot to say I was in my car, but had already drove home from work and was sitting in the driveway. She drove around the school parking lot looking for my car because she was worried I got bad results and was all alone. After I reassured her I was fine, and maybe complained about the nurse a bit, I asked her what she was going to do if I had been having a panic attack in my car at the school. When she said, "I don't know. Probably just hug and hold you until you calmed down enough to talk to me," I knew I picked the best work momma.
Now that I've shown just how amazing she is and why I love her and confide in her so much, I'll go to tonight's conversation via text.
Me: "I have a feeling they're going to take me off my ADHD meds next week and I'm so frustrated about it I'm crying. I don't think it's them making me lose weight, but I won't be able to prove that unless I go off of them either."
Her: "Its worth a try...be positive! You're older now and maybe you can get by without them!!"
I know she knows I wasn't diagnosed until I was 19. We've talked about it. She might have just forgotten, but it still hurts to think people think we'll just outgrow this. That "it's just a stage/phase." I am a few years older and I do know better coping techniques, but it's not just going to go away like a common cold. I get she's trying to help me with the knowledge she has, but she has also seen me on days when I have forgotten my meds. I'll be talking 100 mph about a new interest and she'll give me a look and I'll just stop midsentence, take a breath, and sigh, "I forgot my meds today." I definitely can't go without them!
If you stuck with me to the end, thanks for coming to my T.E.D. (Trying Every Day) talk. I live in a rural community that doesn't have many therapists and the one I have seen for years recently left. I can't see the others bc I either personally know them or they treat my family. The joys of small town living! So I instead share with strangers online to make myself feel better! #ADHD #frustrated