frustrated

I feel so lost and like I'm struggling right now. I really am. Once again, my emotions got me in trouble. I don't like fighting with people but I have this terrible habit of shutting people out. I suppose it's due to a lack of role models when it came to modeling emotions or the simple fact that I was abused. Whatever the case may be I am so disgusted with myself. I know people mean well when they want to talk to me when I'm upset but for whatever reason I'd rather go days without speaking to them. I am trying to understand why this is. I don't like hurting people because it only makes me feel worse about myself than I already do. It's like this vicious circle of shutting people out then feeling bad later because I said or did something out of line. I know my avoidance tactics can be kinda excessive often lasting for a week or so. It's not that I have anxiety about talking to people, I don't know what it is.

I just feel so lost at the moment. There is so much going on currently that it's like I'm being bombarded with information, thoughts and feelings. Meanwhile trying to work and maintain a healthy relationship. I don't know if my symptoms are flaring up again or if I am simply overreacting. Whichever the case, I don't like it. I try to manage my symptoms with therapy and medications but as I've written before I am at risk of losing that which has me very worried. I am also not looking forward to something that I have to do which I know will be very triggering. That has been occupying my mind and making it hard to do anything. I talked about this in therapy but that doesn't seem to be enough. I'm just at a loss right now. It feels like I am going backwards and my life is falling apart again. I don't want to jeopardize my relationship or anything else.

I just feel defeated and while I may be working towards healing each day, recently things have not been working out in my favor. I hate being so emotionally reactive. I wish I could just act rationally sometimes like other people do. While I could rant about why I dislike my mental illnesses I won't. I just really need some help/encouragement right now. Prayers too please (if you're into that). I just don't want to go down a dark path of self harm again. I am not saying I'll do it, only that I don't want those thoughts to return. We are here for each other. Normally I try to inspire all of you, now I am asking for inspiration from all of you. I appreciate you allowing me to vent. It helps a lot.

Blessings.

-Anastasia

#PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #help #encouragment #Selfharm

My therapist told me yesterday that life is unfair. This sounds cliche and it probably is but it is reality. This I know. However I think I've dealt with enough of life's unfairness (at least for a while). I had 12 years of my life stolen from me by a man that was supposed to love and care for me. That didn't happen. Instead I was subjected to years of sexual abuse and was sexually assaulted. I was emotionally abused by a woman that was supposed to care about my feelings but didn't and still doesn't. All this pain is relatively fresh because the abuse only ended a few years ago. I feel that I have put in so much work through therapy and in my life in general to heal and yet even that doesn't seem good enough.

Maybe part of me doesn't want to accept the reality. That's something I need to work on. I often judge myself for many things and I want to work on this but at the moment I can't. I am too overcome with emotions to do that. I'm frustrated, angry, sad, depressed, confused. All the emotions I felt shortly after my trauma, I am feeling them again. On top of life being unfair by not allowing me to see a sibling that I miss and love very much. I cry over the whole situation sometimes yet I know my abusers aren't crying over me.

Somedays I think about giving up, I feel completely defeated like I do now. I know that it's a mindset but it's a hard one to get out of. Especially when I feel so helpless. There are so many factors in the situation that I have no control over, mainly other people unfortunately. And I have to accept this too. I can just add it to my list of things I have to accept. I know that I should look for a positive (my therapist says that a lot) but I don't think I can right now. I guess I just need to sit with my emotions right now.

I'm just so emotionally and mentally tired right now. Part of me wishes I couldn't feel anything right now. I'm tired of the emotional pain. Tired of feeling this way. Yet there appears to be nothing I can do. I'm just at a loss right now. If you made it this far, thanks for reading. Rant over.

#SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #rant #Life #frustrated #needhelp

I've heard it all, they're your family you need to love them. They're your family, they don't mean it. On and on it goes. Unless you've come from a toxic family like myself I feel like people won't understand. It took me a long time to label my experiences as abuse and I guess this was because I kept comparing my experiences to that of others. My experiences with abuse weren't particularly violent so I didn't think I was abused. Now I know that I was, just because I was never hit doesn't mean that I was not abused. Words are just as damaging as physical abuse and I know firsthand the impact of cruel words. It took me a while to label the emotional abuse as emotional abuse. Some of the consequences I live with include PTSD, trouble understanding and regulating my emotions, trouble opening up, trouble trusting and trouble relating to others that weren't abused.

I'm trying really hard to heal those aspects of myself but the anger I feel at having been emotionally abused doesn't compare to the shame I feel from being sexually abused and sexually assaulted. Sometimes I drown in the shame. Because it was family that abused me, I bristle when asked about my family. Why don't you talk to them? Why don't you see them? I don't feel like getting into it so I just say it's complicated. Yet people want details. Bringing up family brings up painful memories and feelings.

I recently came to the realization that they are truly bad people. Doesn't matter who they are. This realization breaks my heart and I cried so much after learning that. I don't miss them and what they did but I do struggle with wishing things were different. I have been in therapy for 3 years and have accomplished a lot but I still have a long way to go. So please respect my desire to not talk about them. That's all I ask. And yet people don't get it. No, I don't love them anymore and no I don't want to see them. I need my space to heal and grow. That's what I need right now.

#SexualAbuse #SexualAssault #PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Family #Healing

#depressed #frustrated

I get so frustrated with myself sometimes! I hate the emotional instability of #BipolarDisorder and #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder . I am almost always fluctuating between not only mania and depression but also anger and annoyance. I will go from being fine to being anxious, or being fine and then feeling down. I honestly don't know how I do it. I just feel so emotionally unstable somedays. I hate to tell people I feel this way because I don't want them thinking that I'm also mentally unstable. Most people don't realize that Bipolar and BPD have to do with emotions. I partially blame the abuse that I went through because I that can mess things up. I know I shouldn't beat myself up over what happened but I can't help but think that the abuse has something to do with it. I know it can also be inherited. Yet, no matter how stable I try to be, it's the intensity that always gets me. I react so strongly to the most meaningless of things that it makes me feel bad afterward. When I'm sad, I'm depressed. When I'm happy I'm manic, when I'm scared, I'm anxious and when I'm angry, I'm furious. There seems to be no in between and it is physically and mentally exhausting. It makes me angry at myself, why can't I just be emotionally stable like other people? Like I said, it could be a combination of genetics and abuse. And that is why I get angry for being abused. It wasn't my fault but I feel like it messed up my development. I was a child when it began and it ended only a few years ago. So I think it's safe to say that the abuse has something to do with it. But this rant isn't about having been abused. That's something else. I just want to know that I'm not alone in this. What have you done to cope if you have BPD? I am in therapy so I am already doing that. Honestly, I hate being this way sometimes.

#SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BipolarDisorder #PTSD #rant #frustrated #CheckInWithMe

#frustrated people don't understand why I jump so high I have trauma, cerebral palsy traumatic brain injury very bad combination!

Does anyone else crying during a manic episode? I get very bored and frustrated because I'm bored. Is this common? I feel like I'm my mood is shifting. Again. What can I do about this? I try relaxing activities but they seem temporary. I nearly had a melt down because I was so frustrated. Sometimes it seems hard to live with. I appreciate the advice. Stay strong friends:)

#BipolarDisorder #Mania #frustrated

I'm realizing this week just how upset I am that it took that long for me to even figure out that life shouldn't be this hard.

◇This is your warning that this is a long post. I decided I was going to let the ADHD monster go because anyone reading this would likely understand.◇

It started earlier this week when I was discussing with an elementary teacher how we might help one of our students who is diagnosed with ADHD. I am a special education paraprofessional at my alma mater. This teacher taught me as well. Our discussion went something like this:
Her: You work so well with him. I don't know how you do it, but keep it up.
Me: Because I understand him. I was diagnosed with ADHD in college. You know how I always got in trouble for talking or daydreaming. Or how I would have to ask you to repeat something you had just said? ADHD. I'm sure there was more, but I always remember getting in trouble for those things.
Her:* looks at me for a few seconds* Oh my gosh. Really!? Besides those things though, you were a really good student. You were reading at a 6th grade level when you were in my class (3rd grade)!
Me: And I got in trouble for reading those books while you were teaching. Another ADHD thing called hyperfocus. I just couldn't transition from reading to learning like other kids, and it doesnt help that I loved, and still love those books.
The conversation kept going, but this part stuck out to me. If I would have been dumb, would they have gotten me tested then?

The second thing came from my work momma.
Backstory: I've been losing a lot of weight unintentionally, and my new PCP thinks it's my meds. I told her I've been on them for almost 4 years and they've never caused a problem before. We've done all the other tests (thyroid, EGD, CBC) and can't find another cause for it. I was maintaining it after we initially saw the loss and the other tests, so she said I could stay on my meds as long as I didn't lose anymore. I have an appointment next week, so I got on my home scale to see where I was at. Despite being on a high-calorie diet, I've lost 5 pounds in 3 weeks. I literally started crying from frustration because 1) I don't think it's my meds but they're going to take me off of them and 2) despite being in a healthy bmi range, I don't want to lose more weight. I was happy about 15 lbs ago when I couldn't see my rib cage.
My work momma has been my support through the entire thing. When I got the results from my EGD, which the nurse did a horrible job in delivering to me, I had a panic attack even though my results were good. I just texted Momma B that I got the results and that I was in my car trying to calm myself down. A couple minutes after I texted her, she calls me, "where are you!?" "I'm at home. I just walked in the house." I forgot to say I was in my car, but had already drove home from work and was sitting in the driveway. She drove around the school parking lot looking for my car because she was worried I got bad results and was all alone. After I reassured her I was fine, and maybe complained about the nurse a bit, I asked her what she was going to do if I had been having a panic attack in my car at the school. When she said, "I don't know. Probably just hug and hold you until you calmed down enough to talk to me," I knew I picked the best work momma.
Now that I've shown just how amazing she is and why I love her and confide in her so much, I'll go to tonight's conversation via text.
Me: "I have a feeling they're going to take me off my ADHD meds next week and I'm so frustrated about it I'm crying. I don't think it's them making me lose weight, but I won't be able to prove that unless I go off of them either."
Her: "Its worth a try...be positive! You're older now and maybe you can get by without them!!"
I know she knows I wasn't diagnosed until I was 19. We've talked about it. She might have just forgotten, but it still hurts to think people think we'll just outgrow this. That "it's just a stage/phase." I am a few years older and I do know better coping techniques, but it's not just going to go away like a common cold. I get she's trying to help me with the knowledge she has, but she has also seen me on days when I have forgotten my meds. I'll be talking 100 mph about a new interest and she'll give me a look and I'll just stop midsentence, take a breath, and sigh, "I forgot my meds today." I definitely can't go without them!

If you stuck with me to the end, thanks for coming to my T.E.D. (Trying Every Day) talk. I live in a rural community that doesn't have many therapists and the one I have seen for years recently left. I can't see the others bc I either personally know them or they treat my family. The joys of small town living! So I instead share with strangers online to make myself feel better! #ADHD #frustrated