frustrated

#depressed #frustrated

I get so frustrated with myself sometimes! I hate the emotional instability of #BipolarDisorder and #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder . I am almost always fluctuating between not only mania and depression but also anger and annoyance. I will go from being fine to being anxious, or being fine and then feeling down. I honestly don't know how I do it. I just feel so emotionally unstable somedays. I hate to tell people I feel this way because I don't want them thinking that I'm also mentally unstable. Most people don't realize that Bipolar and BPD have to do with emotions. I partially blame the abuse that I went through because I that can mess things up. I know I shouldn't beat myself up over what happened but I can't help but think that the abuse has something to do with it. I know it can also be inherited. Yet, no matter how stable I try to be, it's the intensity that always gets me. I react so strongly to the most meaningless of things that it makes me feel bad afterward. When I'm sad, I'm depressed. When I'm happy I'm manic, when I'm scared, I'm anxious and when I'm angry, I'm furious. There seems to be no in between and it is physically and mentally exhausting. It makes me angry at myself, why can't I just be emotionally stable like other people? Like I said, it could be a combination of genetics and abuse. And that is why I get angry for being abused. It wasn't my fault but I feel like it messed up my development. I was a child when it began and it ended only a few years ago. So I think it's safe to say that the abuse has something to do with it. But this rant isn't about having been abused. That's something else. I just want to know that I'm not alone in this. What have you done to cope if you have BPD? I am in therapy so I am already doing that. Honestly, I hate being this way sometimes.

#SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BipolarDisorder #PTSD #rant #frustrated #CheckInWithMe

#frustrated people don't understand why I jump so high I have trauma, cerebral palsy traumatic brain injury very bad combination!

Does anyone else crying during a manic episode? I get very bored and frustrated because I'm bored. Is this common? I feel like I'm my mood is shifting. Again. What can I do about this? I try relaxing activities but they seem temporary. I nearly had a melt down because I was so frustrated. Sometimes it seems hard to live with. I appreciate the advice. Stay strong friends:)

#BipolarDisorder #Mania #frustrated

I'm realizing this week just how upset I am that it took that long for me to even figure out that life shouldn't be this hard.

◇This is your warning that this is a long post. I decided I was going to let the ADHD monster go because anyone reading this would likely understand.◇

It started earlier this week when I was discussing with an elementary teacher how we might help one of our students who is diagnosed with ADHD. I am a special education paraprofessional at my alma mater. This teacher taught me as well. Our discussion went something like this:
Her: You work so well with him. I don't know how you do it, but keep it up.
Me: Because I understand him. I was diagnosed with ADHD in college. You know how I always got in trouble for talking or daydreaming. Or how I would have to ask you to repeat something you had just said? ADHD. I'm sure there was more, but I always remember getting in trouble for those things.
Her:* looks at me for a few seconds* Oh my gosh. Really!? Besides those things though, you were a really good student. You were reading at a 6th grade level when you were in my class (3rd grade)!
Me: And I got in trouble for reading those books while you were teaching. Another ADHD thing called hyperfocus. I just couldn't transition from reading to learning like other kids, and it doesnt help that I loved, and still love those books.
The conversation kept going, but this part stuck out to me. If I would have been dumb, would they have gotten me tested then?

The second thing came from my work momma.
Backstory: I've been losing a lot of weight unintentionally, and my new PCP thinks it's my meds. I told her I've been on them for almost 4 years and they've never caused a problem before. We've done all the other tests (thyroid, EGD, CBC) and can't find another cause for it. I was maintaining it after we initially saw the loss and the other tests, so she said I could stay on my meds as long as I didn't lose anymore. I have an appointment next week, so I got on my home scale to see where I was at. Despite being on a high-calorie diet, I've lost 5 pounds in 3 weeks. I literally started crying from frustration because 1) I don't think it's my meds but they're going to take me off of them and 2) despite being in a healthy bmi range, I don't want to lose more weight. I was happy about 15 lbs ago when I couldn't see my rib cage.
My work momma has been my support through the entire thing. When I got the results from my EGD, which the nurse did a horrible job in delivering to me, I had a panic attack even though my results were good. I just texted Momma B that I got the results and that I was in my car trying to calm myself down. A couple minutes after I texted her, she calls me, "where are you!?" "I'm at home. I just walked in the house." I forgot to say I was in my car, but had already drove home from work and was sitting in the driveway. She drove around the school parking lot looking for my car because she was worried I got bad results and was all alone. After I reassured her I was fine, and maybe complained about the nurse a bit, I asked her what she was going to do if I had been having a panic attack in my car at the school. When she said, "I don't know. Probably just hug and hold you until you calmed down enough to talk to me," I knew I picked the best work momma.
Now that I've shown just how amazing she is and why I love her and confide in her so much, I'll go to tonight's conversation via text.
Me: "I have a feeling they're going to take me off my ADHD meds next week and I'm so frustrated about it I'm crying. I don't think it's them making me lose weight, but I won't be able to prove that unless I go off of them either."
Her: "Its worth a try...be positive! You're older now and maybe you can get by without them!!"
I know she knows I wasn't diagnosed until I was 19. We've talked about it. She might have just forgotten, but it still hurts to think people think we'll just outgrow this. That "it's just a stage/phase." I am a few years older and I do know better coping techniques, but it's not just going to go away like a common cold. I get she's trying to help me with the knowledge she has, but she has also seen me on days when I have forgotten my meds. I'll be talking 100 mph about a new interest and she'll give me a look and I'll just stop midsentence, take a breath, and sigh, "I forgot my meds today." I definitely can't go without them!

If you stuck with me to the end, thanks for coming to my T.E.D. (Trying Every Day) talk. I live in a rural community that doesn't have many therapists and the one I have seen for years recently left. I can't see the others bc I either personally know them or they treat my family. The joys of small town living! So I instead share with strangers online to make myself feel better! #ADHD #frustrated

I wish people understood how hard it was to open up about the abuse I was enduring. That as a child, I was scared to speak up. Just because I opened up as an adult does not make it any easier. I also wish people understood that Bipolar is more than mood swings, that Borderline Personality is more than instability and that PTSD is more than flashbacks. I wish people would take the time to learn things instead of assume things about me and my conditions. I am sure that some of you may feel the same way.

#Abuse #AbuseSurvivors #SexualAbuseSurvivors #SexualAssault #PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #frustrated

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Sometimes.. this house makes me want to die. I just want to be away from it already. Even if it’s just my older sister disagreeing with my decisions regarding garbage bags… I’m only throwing the garbage out often to keep flies and gnats away. I’m only tying them to keep them away. And for my mental health. To this freaking day, she still has a problem with it, and it’s very annoying, and honestly - it hurts 😕

I’m so sick of being anxious over hearing her kids - um - “teasing” - and annoying each other.

Not to mention the fact that because of my mother’s anxiety about the Illinois bonding law (when in reality, me and my dad knew that it wasn’t going to be as bad as it seemed - psa: please do your own research and don’t listen to others), she may or may not get the liscence to get a gun a few months from now. She already took the legal classes. She may not even get the gun in the first place, but it still feels very icky and uncomfortable and I don’t want my friends or partners (plural) being here dealing with that shit.

Things would be so much better if we weren’t living here right now.

I just want to be out of here already… it’s been three freaking years since we’ve planned to move out… but I hope it’ll be faster, especially after Dad heard about what Mom was doing. He doesn’t feel safe with me regarding her decision, and neither do I.

#SuicidalIdeation #helpme #Stress #Anxiety #Autism #frustrated