Hatemyself

Ugh I keep reading about #DBT groups and how they help so you can #learnt to live and #cope with your everyday battle of #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder . I've tried to attend group at least 3-4 times. But I eather am to scared to go in, or think everyone is watching me so I just get up and leaving and then avoid when someone calls to check on me. Don't know what it is I'm just #Weird I guess. My #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder alone drives me crazy. Any suggestions on what I can or should do so I can #learnToCope w/ my #illness like I know it's probably 99% #JustInMyHead . I'd do. Anything to have a normal life and have people to hang out with but it's Impossible #Hatemyself

I have tried so hard for so long not to cut. Its been over a year and today gave in. My body has already been reacting to my struggles, constricting my throat and digging nails into my palms theyve callused. Today after more issues on top of issues im done. Failed once again. #Selfharm #Fail #disapointed #Hatemyself

I’m so disgusted with myself lately. I’ve been on antidepressants for 2 years now. I’m still feeling the same. I’m still not able to get shit done. I still have a billion amazing ideas that I start and cannot finish. I get super involved in things almost obsessively then at a blink of an eye I can drop it and walk away. My sleep is still all over the place either I’m so exhausted I’m sleeping all day or I’m wide awake and can’t sleep for a couple days at a time. Sometimes clothing on my skin makes me angry and hurts. I can’t stand my hair touching my neck or back. Especially when it’s wet. It literally takes me an hour to talk myself into taking a shower. I’ve been super active and have gained 20lbs and I’m at the heaviest I’ve ever been. I’m so embarrassed to sit down at my sons baseball games because I feel like my stomach and fat rolls show more. I’m in constant pain and my psych dr wants me to stop taking my pain meds. I told her I have trouble sleeping and she said she’s not giving me sleeping pills besides what she’s already tried with me. I never asked for something different I just want to sleep. I want to feel heard. I want to be more than just a dollar sign to her. I was getting occipital nerve blocks done and the place I was getting them told me to start going to a pain clinic. Well all the pain clinics around here either don’t take my insurance or have a 7 month waiting list. I don’t want drugs. I want to feel human. I want to feel productive. I’m over it all. I can’t stand being inside of this fat body anymore. I want to cut it all off. (I know I can’t just wish I could) I can’t even look in a mirror anymore. Sorry. Just having a day. #Hatemyself #ChiariMalformation #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Depression #OccipitalNeuralgia #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #SuicidalIdeation #Selfharm

Today I looked in the mirror for the first time in over a year. I have noticed my belly is full of strechmarks, red and raw... I know this isn't the end of the world but when I left my abusive ex 5 years ago, I honestly thought I would lose weight and learn how to be happy. Instead I am at my heaviest ever and miserable, which triggers my anxiety, which makes me stress eat... thus never allowing me some kind of peace
I just want it to end already ffs #weight gain #Depression #depressed #Hatemylife #Hatemyself #someonepleasekillme

I hate me. I hate me so much that I know it's the reason I feel physically sick all the time. I want out. It's terrible but it's true. I know we can't fix ourselves when I keep neglecting my own issues so that I can help you. We are poisonous to eachother even tho we don't mean to be. You said I'm your true love and it killed me. I love you, obviously I do, I carried two children for and with you. But something has changed deep in us both. I love who you where back in the beginning, strong, funny, adventurous, and silly. But as much as you try to be the same all I see is this new anger and flame that grew in us both and it scares me all the same. We are trying to make it work and make things change. But here we are again and I'm doing it all the same. Typing out all the thoughts in my brain instead of telling you the truth because I am afraid. Afraid of what it will do to you again. You trusted me to finally tell me what was wrong. That you have been having thoughts to end it all and all I felt was guilt for wanting to get away so I quit my preforming and my new job to stay and keep my eyes on you, even tho I feel like I lied to you. Yes we are in therapy, yes we are pretending to be happy, that we got this far, that we saught out the help that we wanted. But being in the same rut just different ways has been making me so sick that I just cave. I haven't slept in what feels like months. the nausea of holding everything in got me spitting chunks late in the night while you are sleeping next to me. Kids won't back off for a minute so I can breathe. my whole day is just screaming fights between the two kids and myself. nothings getting done and it all goes to hell, then the little bit of time I get after homeschooling and fights on cleaning and cooking super I spend my time cleaning. Cleaning the messes I didn't get to cleaning up after the kids the dogs and me and you. I HATE HOW I feel like I'm dying, I don't regret being with you and having the kids but it's trying, I guess I wasn't ment to be a mother I'm no good at it and it scares me more then it should. Most days I'm crying in my mind wanting to just pack up my things and leave in the night. I know this whole thing sounds terrible, that I am the villain in this tale. That's why I hate myself. Hate myself so much for everything. Enough to just die inside instead of hurting you. Just so that it feels like I can pretend to be the hero you needed from me. Instead of the villain I feel deep inside of me. #Hatemyself #Depression

why do people talk to me *you should be grateful what you have now. Theres a lot of people out there want to be on your place.* They just want to have what they see. but im sure they didnt want what i have inside me. #Hatemyself