I hate me. I hate me so much that I know it's the reason I feel physically sick all the time. I want out. It's terrible but it's true. I know we can't fix ourselves when I keep neglecting my own issues so that I can help you. We are poisonous to eachother even tho we don't mean to be. You said I'm your true love and it killed me. I love you, obviously I do, I carried two children for and with you. But something has changed deep in us both. I love who you where back in the beginning, strong, funny, adventurous, and silly. But as much as you try to be the same all I see is this new anger and flame that grew in us both and it scares me all the same. We are trying to make it work and make things change. But here we are again and I'm doing it all the same. Typing out all the thoughts in my brain instead of telling you the truth because I am afraid. Afraid of what it will do to you again. You trusted me to finally tell me what was wrong. That you have been having thoughts to end it all and all I felt was guilt for wanting to get away so I quit my preforming and my new job to stay and keep my eyes on you, even tho I feel like I lied to you. Yes we are in therapy, yes we are pretending to be happy, that we got this far, that we saught out the help that we wanted. But being in the same rut just different ways has been making me so sick that I just cave. I haven't slept in what feels like months. the nausea of holding everything in got me spitting chunks late in the night while you are sleeping next to me. Kids won't back off for a minute so I can breathe. my whole day is just screaming fights between the two kids and myself. nothings getting done and it all goes to hell, then the little bit of time I get after homeschooling and fights on cleaning and cooking super I spend my time cleaning. Cleaning the messes I didn't get to cleaning up after the kids the dogs and me and you. I HATE HOW I feel like I'm dying, I don't regret being with you and having the kids but it's trying, I guess I wasn't ment to be a mother I'm no good at it and it scares me more then it should. Most days I'm crying in my mind wanting to just pack up my things and leave in the night. I know this whole thing sounds terrible, that I am the villain in this tale. That's why I hate myself. Hate myself so much for everything. Enough to just die inside instead of hurting you. Just so that it feels like I can pretend to be the hero you needed from me. Instead of the villain I feel deep inside of me. #Hatemyself #Depression