2019 was a rough year for me. The abuse I was experiencing came to light, my family turned against me, I was abandoned by a family member. I was harming myself and attempted suicide. I was hospitalized for a week. I was diagnosed with PTSD. I nearly lost my apartment and was homeless. I had no family and hardly any friends. I struggled to survive on a daily basis, not just financially but mentally too. I felt totally helpless, lost, defeated and unloved. I started to think that it was all my fault, the abuse, abandonment, the struggles afterwards. It amazes me sometimes that I’m still here. Working, living, thriving despite it all.
But as the picture says, suicide prevention starts with all of us. Perhaps if I had never been abused and abandoned then maybe I wouldn’t have harmed myself and tried ending my life. It still scares me that I could’ve died. It scares me more to think that no one in my family would’ve cared. Yet I try not to dwell on the past. What I am getting at is that suicide and suicide attempts can be prevented. I now realize how blessed I am to be here. To be loved and to be alive.
I have a new family now that loves me despite my past and that means so much to me. It has helped me heal tremendously. Though on my dark days I still struggle with dark thoughts I know that I am no longer alone. Sure I struggle with abandonment trauma and that is totally founded given that I was physically abandoned. Yet, I am still here. So if you think that ending your life is the only option like I did at one point, just remember that help is available. Your life is precious. I won’t tell you to think positive because I know in that mindset that is near impossible. However I will say that my suicide attempt taught me to appreciate life.
I hope that if you are struggling with those thoughts that you have the strength to reach out. To a professional or even a friend. Sometimes those late night conversations are all you need. I still wish someone had been there to hug me and tell me everything was going to be okay and that it wasn’t my fault. So if you are struggling, know that we are here for each other. If you need immediate assistance please call an emergency number or suicide hotline. You have so much to live for and are loved beyond measure even if you don’t see it. So don’t focus on the ones that hurt you, there is someone out there that is glad you’re alive today. I know I am.
Stay strong warriors! We got this!
#PTSD #SuicidePrevention #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #Hope #healingispossible