Retraumatized by the mental health system
My Letter to Little Me
DEAR ME, YOU DESERVED BETTER – August 3 2022
My dear little Lisa, I am letting you know that you deserved better treatment. You deserved better. You deserved to be held, cuddled, loved, and treated like you have value and appreciation. You deserved to feel unconditional love, to feel accepted, to be acknowledged, to feel adored, to feel appreciated, to experience healthy affection and admiration, to feel approval, to feel understood.
Instead, you grew up feeling judged, that you should feel guilty and shamed for being who you are, that you’re not good enough - because none were attuned enough to notice that something really serious happened to you. No one, it seems, put forth the effort to try to understand you, to try to really *see* you and love you for who you are. All this plus the other abuses caused a LOT of damage.
It seems your primary caretaker was just too busy and distracted with many responsibilities [she had 6 kids after all!] As you learned later that for many reasons she didn’t have the time nor the wherewithal to be attuned to you and what you desperately needed from her. As a little girl you ended up feeling and believing you were a nuisance, annoying, in the way, too needy and unloved and especially without value and worth. You developed mother hunger.
I am so sorry that you felt this way for soooo long, way too long. Too long that it became a core belief and a mindset that deeply impacted your way of being - how you showed up in life. I’m sorry that you felt unappreciated, needed to play and be small, that you weren’t appreciated for your sparkle and valued for who you are. Instead, you felt ashamed of yourself. You felt guilty for things you did that were symptoms of the complex trauma you were experiencing. You even took on guilt and shame that didn’t belong to you. Your nervous system was just too sensitive. I am so sorry that you carried this for all these years.
Little Lisa, you are not the problem. You are not at fault. You deserve to feel unconditional love. You deserve to feel safe and protected. And it’s ok and good that you seek out those who will provide this for you.
It’s not your fault that you didn’t grow up feeling safe and protected. I’m sorry you felt invisible until you made a mistake or you did something to help someone else. I’m sorry that you were criticized or were simply emotionally abandoned. Sometimes severe punishment would ensue. And then you read it as shame and guilt for just existing. You read it that they were ashamed and embarrassed of who you are. Your poor nervous system.
Of course with adult wisdom, in looking back you understand it all now and are forgiving. But don’t forget you were a little girl, with little girl needs that weren’t met. You were trying to navigate a world that had shown itself to be scary and unsafe. It was an emotional mine field for you. All this piled onto an undeserving little body and a heart that only wanted to be loved. This and a highly sensitive nervous system created your insecurities which added to your various traumas.
I really feel for you my dear little one. I offer you my deepest compassion.
It wasn’t your fault.
I am so sorry that you experienced this and that now as an adult you must do the work to heal from the scars all this created.
I am here to be with you, to hold you and love you as you never felt. You deserve to feel unconditional love.
Yes, as an adult you understand your parents and see and accept their imperfections. This is good. However, it is important to your healing that you acknowledge how you felt and what you suffered. And as an adult you’ve acknowledged and own your unhealed childhood wounds and that they were passed on down to your two sons too. I’m proud of you for healing this much and being self-aware enough. I am proud of you for being as transparent as possible in your healing journey so your sons can understand themselves and you better.
It is time to release this unwarranted guilt and remember that all this damage resulted from Adam and Eve’s stupid decision. They passed on this imperfection to their children and on it went down to me and little you.
People don’t know what they don’t know – yet it is each one’s responsibility and obligation to become aware so their toxic behaviour doesn’t keep getting passed onto others.
It wasn’t your fault. Remember that.
It wasn’t your fault.
Your existence matters. God believes you are valuable, that you are worthy. He is there for you and is with you. Please remember where this imperfect and self condemnation comes from – it’s not from Him.
Please keep on letting your light shine. Keep helping fellow childhood trauma survivors see and feel that they are not alone. Please be accepting of yourself and others’ imperfections, knowing that most are trying to do their best. And those who choose denial, who refuse to learn, grow, be open to self awareness – that is on them, not you – these ones be careful of.
Please hang into your hope. Please keep recovering from your childhood trauma so that the detox continues, and the projection stops with you.
I think you’re doing great! So proud of the work you’re doing. It is HARD work and I believe you made the best decision – to heal. The sense of freedom that results is so worth it!
I love you, little Lisa. I am so proud of you. 😊 I admire you so very much and am super glad you’re still here.
Lisa B Hilton is an Advanced Certified Trauma Recovery Coach who has lived experience. Through coaching she supports fellow adults transform their travesty into triumph. Please read her blog: Is Trauma Recovery Coaching Right for You? and reach out to her if you feel this modality of Trauma Recovery Coaching will be a good fit for you. Thank you.
Let her speak
Your Existence Matters.
Not so Daddy’s Day…
Father’s Day…. Very difficult for me. My father was around when I was little, I just wished he wasn’t. He wasn’t good for any of us least of all myself. I still carry all the trauma from my early years from him, though it weighs me down less and less due to some heavy counseling. Now here it is Father’s Day and I have to follow tradition and get him a card? Haha. Let’s see here, “you’re the best dad…” Nope. “I’m so glad to have you in my corner…” Not even close. “You’ve always been there for me…” I don’t think so… Don’t they have any cards for those of us who had crappy dads? Something that just says Happy Fathers Day and that’s it?
I guess not.
So I’ll settle for my fall back and just text him, though he forgot my birthday so maybe I won’t.
I hate any of these decisions regarding my dad… why does this day still have to hurt?
Nowhere to go from here
With all the news and debate surrounding the harmful effects of pornography, it’s hard to make sense of things. I am currently In a situation where I cannot be in an intimate relationship with anyone who watches , uses, or desires to watch porn. I have had to go to the extent of blocking absolutely everything . There is still ways around it . I can’t even see a sex scene on tv without leaving the room in absolute tears and embarrassment and self hatred. It’s destroying my life #Fightthenewdrug #TraumaRecovery
You Walk Your Talk
You walk-your-talk, you harvest
the mini acts of triumph,
recuperate and integrate
your nervous system's present time
organization of the past,
the way the inescapable mistreatment
replaced your human longing to connect
with self-protection patterns on default;
You name your triggers, learn to
manage your flashbacks, you master
and all that jazz
until primroses heralding your win-win,
and all that seems so hard today
becoming your warm-up.