Struggling alot today.
Its 2:40pm and im still in bed.
Is sleeping all day an option?
I was involuntarily hospitalized last week... It was horrific. I'm currently unable to go into more detail because I'll dissociate and I habe trouble managing the anxiety attacks too.
I already suffer from CPTSD due to childhoof trauma. The symptoms since this incidents have peeked at a new level. My normal skills don't work as well as they did. I don't really know how to deal with a fresh trauma. I was able to see my therapist this week. But I was really scared to go see her but she wasn't even involved in all of this. I'm afraid of the police, hospitals and all mental health institutions in my area. So it's hard for me to get the help I need.
I am fighting but I am in a very bad place right now. And advice/tipps how to handle a fresh traumatic experience? And I wonder if there are other people out there who got retraumatized by the mental health system or if it's just me being vulnerable and overly sensitiv...?
DEAR ME, YOU DESERVED BETTER – August 3 2022
My dear little Lisa, I am letting you know that you deserved better treatment. You deserved better. You deserved to be held, cuddled, loved, and treated like you have value and appreciation. You deserved to feel unconditional love, to feel accepted, to be acknowledged, to feel adored, to feel appreciated, to experience healthy affection and admiration, to feel approval, to feel understood.
Instead, you grew up feeling judged, that you should feel guilty and shamed for being who you are, that you’re not good enough - because none were attuned enough to notice that something really serious happened to you. No one, it seems, put forth the effort to try to understand you, to try to really *see* you and love you for who you are. All this plus the other abuses caused a LOT of damage.
It seems your primary caretaker was just too busy and distracted with many responsibilities [she had 6 kids after all!] As you learned later that for many reasons she didn’t have the time nor the wherewithal to be attuned to you and what you desperately needed from her. As a little girl you ended up feeling and believing you were a nuisance, annoying, in the way, too needy and unloved and especially without value and worth. You developed mother hunger.
I am so sorry that you felt this way for soooo long, way too long. Too long that it became a core belief and a mindset that deeply impacted your way of being - how you showed up in life. I’m sorry that you felt unappreciated, needed to play and be small, that you weren’t appreciated for your sparkle and valued for who you are. Instead, you felt ashamed of yourself. You felt guilty for things you did that were symptoms of the complex trauma you were experiencing. You even took on guilt and shame that didn’t belong to you. Your nervous system was just too sensitive. I am so sorry that you carried this for all these years.
Little Lisa, you are not the problem. You are not at fault. You deserve to feel unconditional love. You deserve to feel safe and protected. And it’s ok and good that you seek out those who will provide this for you.
It’s not your fault that you didn’t grow up feeling safe and protected. I’m sorry you felt invisible until you made a mistake or you did something to help someone else. I’m sorry that you were criticized or were simply emotionally abandoned. Sometimes severe punishment would ensue. And then you read it as shame and guilt for just existing. You read it that they were ashamed and embarrassed of who you are. Your poor nervous system.
Of course with adult wisdom, in looking back you understand it all now and are forgiving. But don’t forget you were a little girl, with little girl needs that weren’t met. You were trying to navigate a world that had shown itself to be scary and unsafe. It was an emotional mine field for you. All this piled onto an undeserving little body and a heart that only wanted to be loved. This and a highly sensitive nervous system created your insecurities which added to your various traumas.
I really feel for you my dear little one. I offer you my deepest compassion.
It wasn’t your fault.
I am so sorry that you experienced this and that now as an adult you must do the work to heal from the scars all this created.
I am here to be with you, to hold you and love you as you never felt. You deserve to feel unconditional love.
Yes, as an adult you understand your parents and see and accept their imperfections. This is good. However, it is important to your healing that you acknowledge how you felt and what you suffered. And as an adult you’ve acknowledged and own your unhealed childhood wounds and that they were passed on down to your two sons too. I’m proud of you for healing this much and being self-aware enough. I am proud of you for being as transparent as possible in your healing journey so your sons can understand themselves and you better.
It is time to release this unwarranted guilt and remember that all this damage resulted from Adam and Eve’s stupid decision. They passed on this imperfection to their children and on it went down to me and little you.
People don’t know what they don’t know – yet it is each one’s responsibility and obligation to become aware so their toxic behaviour doesn’t keep getting passed onto others.
It wasn’t your fault. Remember that.
It wasn’t your fault.
Your existence matters. God believes you are valuable, that you are worthy. He is there for you and is with you. Please remember where this imperfect and self condemnation comes from – it’s not from Him.
Please keep on letting your light shine. Keep helping fellow childhood trauma survivors see and feel that they are not alone. Please be accepting of yourself and others’ imperfections, knowing that most are trying to do their best. And those who choose denial, who refuse to learn, grow, be open to self awareness – that is on them, not you – these ones be careful of.
Please hang into your hope. Please keep recovering from your childhood trauma so that the detox continues, and the projection stops with you.
I think you’re doing great! So proud of the work you’re doing. It is HARD work and I believe you made the best decision – to heal. The sense of freedom that results is so worth it!
I love you, little Lisa. I am so proud of you. 😊 I admire you so very much and am super glad you’re still here.
Lisa B Hilton is an Advanced Certified Trauma Recovery Coach who has lived experience. Through coaching she supports fellow adults transform their travesty into triumph. Please read her blog: Is Trauma Recovery Coaching Right for You? and reach out to her if you feel this modality of Trauma Recovery Coaching will be a good fit for you. Thank you.
This is a deeply personal poem. I don't think I'll ever finish it because the interpersonal work it reflects will take a whole lifetime to work through. Those of us on a healing journey through CPTSD may figure out along the way that it takes time to learn how to unlearn the byproducts of abandonment, neglect, and abuse. This undertaking is deeply personal and unique to the situations we've survived. So far, the most impactful aspect of healing for me has been learning not to abandon myself. Realizing that I've been acting out my inner life where the central message of abandonment lives. That message being unworthiness and has morphed itself into self abuse, self contempt, self blame, self criticism and self doubt. These have been the dark lenses through which I have viewed and lived my life. As I continue the work that healing requires I am encouraged by the moments I have chosen to stay yoked to my true nature; loving, accepting and encouraging myself. These sprouting moments will grow deep roots and will eventually become a more natural way to live.
Let her Speak
By: Stacey Gensler
There’s a girl on the porch on Cottonwood street
Invisible to those nearby
She’s come outside where rabbits graze and things that live are growing
Inside her room with bed and dresser are dead and splintered parts
With outstretched arms she wants to speak with songs like the wild birds sing
Unburdened, unfrozen, unraveled from the belly and free
Inhaling, her chin toward the sun, she calls forth the caw of the black crow
And spills out the secret that was never hers to carry
This child speaks of the dark burden
Born from loss
Tethered to the secret sins of ancestors
Whose flesh she’s never touched
Their cells, Their DNA,
Ancient binding shadows that carried her life into birth.
she cannot speak, only the absence of innocence
Lost among the tall green grasses with butterfly and pony
Carried away with the freshness of Lilac and Lilly
In the woods
following the slow-sloped winding trail
along train tracks with slow moving rusty boxes
marked with city art
and tried not to think
she looked for herself past thundering, threatening, bare-black oaks
with needle sharp limbs and knots felt deep in the gut
downward, fixed gaze her strides
led to the edge of the cat tail swamp, inhaling the stench of decay and sunless earth
her feet sink into fear and fate
the cattails frozen by mud and stagnate wind
their movement abandoned
under the weight of grief
She walked around corners
where ticks steal
while wild deer graze in tall dry grasses
their innocent bodies no longer their own
then, past the empty soybean field once bursting with tenderness
holding its residue
a by gone crop
its season yielded
barren by the heat of neglect
Above the deep worm burrows
rests soil ripe with longing to be fertile
Listening deeply, she hears the call of surrender
To be turned over and over again
To endure the blades excavation
Preparation for the new seasons harvest
Follow the scent of innocence deep into the landscape of budding trees
where violet blooms hang heavy
left in solitary stillness to reach their full potential
Announce your presence tenderly the way the wind approaches the sleeping sea.
Or be silent
And watch at the shoreline as I wade into unknown waters
and stare at the disfigured reflection
left by your absence.
Feel the burn of your squinting eyes
straining to focus through the mist of sea spray
tethered to the tears of 1,000 different disappointments
Watch with shame as I dive through the dark abyss
to rescue what you’ve left behind
Leave me to gather myself from the depths of this ocean
*photo credit, Gaëtan Werp
Just like Monarch Butterflies, your part in this world makes a marked difference. You can touch lives just by living authentically and can change the course of someone’s entire day with a smile or a kind word. If you weren’t here tomorrow, we’d miss you. Tomorrow holds opportunities that would have been premature for today; if we can’t rush a pregnancy, we can’t rush healing or progress. Don’t give up: tomorrow’s you may have the chance that today’s you isn’t ready for. (I’ve been there many times these last five years; this is personal experience and I’ll start sharing it soon.)
Now. Grab your coziest blanket, and burrito up again; you get to stay tucked in the chrysalis a little longer. When you’re ready to take the next steps and start your transformation, you’ll know. We’re here to support you when you need it and to celebrate with you as you make your goals. #CPTSD #TraumaRecovery #Suicide #SuicidalIdeation #Depression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #keephope #itsokaynottobeokay
Father’s Day…. Very difficult for me. My father was around when I was little, I just wished he wasn’t. He wasn’t good for any of us least of all myself. I still carry all the trauma from my early years from him, though it weighs me down less and less due to some heavy counseling. Now here it is Father’s Day and I have to follow tradition and get him a card? Haha. Let’s see here, “you’re the best dad…” Nope. “I’m so glad to have you in my corner…” Not even close. “You’ve always been there for me…” I don’t think so… Don’t they have any cards for those of us who had crappy dads? Something that just says Happy Fathers Day and that’s it?
I guess not.
So I’ll settle for my fall back and just text him, though he forgot my birthday so maybe I won’t.
I hate any of these decisions regarding my dad… why does this day still have to hurt?
My wife just blew up at me. We need to communicate better, she said. She has a habit of telling me what negative thoughts I am thinking and feeling, and then adding, "well am I wrong?" to it. This is years in the making. Essentially, it happens when she asks me a question or tells me about something, and my tone of voice sounds negative to her, or my face or body language looks negative.
I have chronic pain as well as deep depression, so it is difficult for me to convincingly put on a happy face, or speak with joy in my voice. But I do try my best to speak in neutral tones at the very least, and I have thought that I have a resting face of a neutral mood or higher as much as possible.
It has been building for a long time. I am struck out of the blue most times when she tells me what I am thinking, and how unfair that is, and paints me as the bad guy and her as the innocent one. In the early days, it would just shock me, and sometimes confuse me. In the last couple of years, it just makes me angry and defensive. We've had plenty of arguments about it, but no agreement. She doesn't see it as mind reading because she says "I 'feel like' you were disgusted by what I just said, and you shouldn't be", or "I 'feel' that you think I'm stupid just because I did X, or Y". She says since she uses the word "feel", she isn't mind reading, and so it's up to me to tell her if she's right or wrong. Well, I have been telling her she's wrong for over 40 years now, and that only makes her angry and defensive. I told her time and again that I get mad when people try to read my mind and put words into my mouth. I tell her to skip saying the part about what she is so sure that I am thinking, and just ASK ME what I am thinking, instead. Ninety percent of the time, I am not only NOT thinking what she thinks I am, but I am thinking about some other subject altogether. Then when she accuses me of thinking some negative thing, it hits me out of the blue, and I register it as an insult. I asked her why she can't just ASK me what I am thinking, or ask me how I am feeling. I would welcome both of those if they were honest questions. I would feel like I was cared about. That makes perfect sense to me, but she doesn't see it that way. She says that she's just being honest, and that she IS asking me how I feel, or what I am thinking, when she tells me what she feels like I am thinking. We can't get past that. So she got louder and more accusatory, and then angrily walked out.
I don't know what to do. I am battling Major Depressive Disorder, CPTSD, Anxiety, ADHD and severe Chronic Pain. I am doing the very best that I can. I am on disability, and I fill my days and evenings reading books on my various diagnoses, learning as much as I can, so that I can better control, or adapt, or adjust to the reality of my life, and I do feel good about that. I have tried to share some of this with her, both verbally, and by sharing articles with her via email. She seems stand-offish about it, at best. When I ask her outright if she wants to learn more, she swears she does, but she has a life, therefore she just doesn't have the time or energy to read much about it. I told her a few minutes ago that I will stop burdening her with it, and will stop sending her articles and such. She rebuffed that idea, but added again that she just doesn't have the time. She said she is doing the best that she can in trying to deal with all my problems, and she doesn't have the energy or the will to do it any more. She's "had it."
She came back and brought up another time recently that I was unreasonable, saying that she had told me something about her job, and I had reacted with sarcasm and disgust. I remember it well. It was just the opposite. She told me that her employer was giving $50 bonuses to anyone who got a Covid booster shot, and I responded "wow, that must be nice. Go ahead and do that." She and I both agree that that's all that I said. But she says I was being sarcastic, and spit the words out like venom, and I thought it was disgusting. I remember calmly saying those words, genuinely happy for her to get $50 just for getting a shot that we both were going to get anyway. The difference, more than likely, was the fact that during the time that she was unwinding after work and telling me bonus, as well as about the rest of her day, I was in a pit of depression, and I was in a ton of physical pain from my legs and my back. I know that had to have affected the tone of my voice, the look on my face, and my body language. But I don't talk about the pain, because it would sound whiney and redundant. I was just sitting there listening to her, and I thought I answered appropriately and honestly. Anyway, that night, after I had answered her, she responded by telling me what (she believed) I was thinking and feeling, and she wanted to know what my response was. My response was "that's not an argument I am willing to have right now." To me, I was angry that "it" was happening again, and I could argue about it like so many times before, or I could choose not to. I chose not to argue. To her, I had just insulted her, and said she isn't worth arguing with, and since I had not argued, then what she had thought about me must indeed be true.
If (and when) she "reads my mind" again, and assigns various negative thoughts and feelings to me, we could bypass all of this trouble if she could just hold those 'mind-read thoughts' inside, and just ask me two simple questions, instead. First, "how are you feeling?" And second, "what are you tinking." I will gladly and honestly answer her. But I just can't take any more veritable accusations for thinking and feeling certain ways, and then be expected to explain or defend myself, meanwhile letting it roll off me like water off of a duck's back. It's not an argument I'm having anymore.
Thanks for listening.
#MajorDepressiveDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder #CPTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Anxiety #ADHD #Autism #BodyFocusedRepetitiveBehaviors #PathologicalDemandAvoidanceSyndrome #AutismSpectrumDisorders #TreatmentresistantDepression #TRD #ASD #anhedonia #ChronicDepression #ChronicPain #SpinalStenosis #GAD #Sadness #CombinedPresentationADHD #SmilingDepression #SocialAnxietyDisorder #Disability #MentalHealth #Insomnia #DiabetesType2 #Diabetes #Asthma #Hypertension #Hypervigilance #nerveandjointpain #HearingLoss #Grief #generationaltrauma #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #TraumaRecovery #Trauma #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors #MedicalTrauma #IntergenerationalTrauma #Trauma #SexualTrauma #traumasurvivor #Survivor #EmotionalAbuse #ChiildhoodSexualAbuse #ChildhoodEmotionalAbuse #PsychologicalAbuse #PTSD #AdverseChildhoodExperiences #ChildhoodAbuse #ReactiveAttachmentDisorder #RAD #attachment #Childhoodneglect #attachmentdisorder #ChildAbuseandNeglect #FearOfAbandonment #abandonment #Suicide #SuicideLossSurvivors #SuicidalThoughts #SuicidalIdeation #PassiveSuicidalIdeation #suicidal #Depression #MajorDepression
With all the news and debate surrounding the harmful effects of pornography, it’s hard to make sense of things. I am currently In a situation where I cannot be in an intimate relationship with anyone who watches , uses, or desires to watch porn. I have had to go to the extent of blocking absolutely everything . There is still ways around it . I can’t even see a sex scene on tv without leaving the room in absolute tears and embarrassment and self hatred. It’s destroying my life #Fightthenewdrug #TraumaRecovery
You walk-your-talk, you harvest
the mini acts of triumph,
recuperate and integrate
your nervous system's present time
organization of the past,
the way the inescapable mistreatment
replaced your human longing to connect
with self-protection patterns on default;
You name your triggers, learn to
manage your flashbacks, you master
and all that jazz
until primroses heralding your win-win,
and all that seems so hard today
becoming your warm-up.