Hereiam

I need to start writing here when I'm having good days, not just bad ones
I have experienced so much abandonment this year, after my stay in the mental hospital, it feels traumatic.
I was FINALLY HAPPY BEING THERE... I felt ME. like they got me. Knew me. I had answers... now I feel guilt for feeling that... my husband expresses pain and hurt about that( a year ago I was there). I feel like I cant be me.
I feel worthless. Taking up valuable air that someone else better could be breathing. No purpose. .. . Waist of space.
I was PRETENDING for years.... " WHY CANT YOU BE THE HAPPY YOU BEFORE PONOKA" "they made you this way" .... "you were happy and healthy before panok, now you're depressed all the time, " " maybe you're the reason why no one is your friend anymore"....
Now I question. Im I making this up in my head?? Am I just feeding the evil in me??? Am I just being lazy?? Why could I do all these things before and now the things that once brought me joy 2 years ago bring me pain, exhauste me, give me anxiety and panic attacks????
#PanicAttacks #AnorexiaNervosa #mother #wife #Hereiam #whoami #willthisend #covid2021 #Bulimia #alone #imhere