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The waves of #BPD #Generlizedanxiety #severdepression

I need to start writing here when I'm having good days, not just bad ones
I have experienced so much abandonment this year, after my stay in the mental hospital, it feels traumatic.
I was FINALLY HAPPY BEING THERE... I felt ME. like they got me. Knew me. I had answers... now I feel guilt for feeling that... my husband expresses pain and hurt about that( a year ago I was there). I feel like I cant be me.
I feel worthless. Taking up valuable air that someone else better could be breathing. No purpose. .. . Waist of space.
I was PRETENDING for years.... " WHY CANT YOU BE THE HAPPY YOU BEFORE PONOKA" "they made you this way" .... "you were happy and healthy before panok, now you're depressed all the time, " " maybe you're the reason why no one is your friend anymore"....
Now I question. Im I making this up in my head?? Am I just feeding the evil in me??? Am I just being lazy?? Why could I do all these things before and now the things that once brought me joy 2 years ago bring me pain, exhauste me, give me anxiety and panic attacks????
#PanicAttacks #AnorexiaNervosa #mother #wife #Hereiam #whoami #willthisend #covid2021 #Bulimia #alone #imhere


To my community

Hi community, friends, others who know my struggle. Lately, ive been struggling. I'm not feeling any better even on my mood stabilizers, i guess a steady routine and sleep schedule is supposed to help my bipolar disorder, but... i don't want to follow one half the time. I don't enjoy it. I just want to be like everyone else and choose whenever I want to wake up and what I want to do with my day. I hate that my feelings bank on these small insignificant things that don't always work. I feel so down for random reasons, so terrible about myself. Like I'm failing at everything. I'm hopeless now... i don't think this will ever get better... im in pain always and now im thinking forever. At this point... i want to fall asleep and not wake up. Not that i would ever do anything to make that happen, the only reason I wake up anymore is my husband. Because he would be lost without me, but sometimes its like a silent forlorn wish... that the pain would just stop. That I could just be at peace for once in my life. ##BipolarDepression ##alone ##iwanttobeatpeace ##Pain ##willthisend