whoami

I’m Zoe
I suffer from depression anxiety and ptsd. I guess I’m here because I’m alone on this journey in discovering who iam while I finally own my mental illnesses. I’ve spent over a decade self medicating and pretending that no one ever knew I was suffering. Now I’m in therapy and I’m sober but I don’t know who iam without pretending. I love decorating and fashion that’s my cover up yet deep down I feel so worthless and ashamed of who iam wishing I could be normal. I have a 10Yr old who is closer to his dad and I guess he should be given the fact that I’ve struggled most of his life. Idk I most days wonder if I wasn’t here would it spare him the pain to have to call someone like me his mom. I hate crowds, I hate fun because it’s triggering for me. I only like to hide away! It’s like I’m suffocating and fading away at the same time! I’m that women who looks so well put together but inside she’s in her own hell!!! It’s like I’m waiting for some miraculous change and suddenly I’ll be ok and feel joy again! When I’m in pain I have no one to call I just have to suffer in silence! #Broken #depressed #insecurities #whoami

There is this feeling I grow so fondly of
The feeling too familiar yet I still cannot explain
I feel the waves crashing down on my calm waters
The waves ripple through my mind ripping away my memories
rip Away my thoughts
I feel myself ripped away
But still I feel myself going nowhere
I feel the pull of this anger
This sadness
This raw emotion
But then it’s ripped away
I feel this wave ripping through my mind taking away my emotions
Who am I when I feel everything ripped from me
Who am I when I am numb
Who am I really

#numb #moodswing #BipolarDepression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #whoami #Poetry #MightyPoets

Just looking to swap some feelings or stories and fire up those different perspectives.
Trying so hard, but everything in life feeling so desperately elusive.
Anyone else up hopelessly toggling between denial and depression? #Jobloss #Fear #toomuch #Pain #hopelessness #whoami #BPD #panic #WhenThingsGoWrong #takingresponsibility #HeavyHeart

Knowing you love someone and that they love you but at the end of the day knowing Harley Quinn and the Joker didn’t last. I feel like Harley in birds of prey. #BPD it shouldn’t be so hard to be able to express myself or communicate. #Toxic feeling uncertain of myself and life. #nothinglastforever #whoami

One of my best friends dropped me a few months back, when I needed her the most, her youngest and my youngest daughter are best friends as well. She says " you are to much for me right now, ..."
I ask her 2 months ago if her daughter could come over to play " no I dont trust your environment, but izzy is more than welcome here"... fast forward to today" can G come over to play today at your house"
We literally haven't spoken.... like not even once ...... so her daughter is here.
I so desperately want to go back to pretending that everything was grand. Back to " normal "... but I know I wasn't ok. I know it wasn't healthy. I know I wasn't happy. So I have here over.... I feel so confused.
I need to separate myself for these feelings. I want izzy to have her friends it doesn't me that I have to like the parents lol.
Do you ever miss the before you??? The before yoy before the diagnosis?? It feel like a different life.
A different person.
How come I feel "worse" and have more lows and distinct highs now AFTER my diagnosis.?? Is it because I'm more aware now???
Does this get better.??
#whoami #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #thoughtoftheday #ThisIsMe #mybrainismush #mother #Diagnosis

I don't have followers on here and I've been flying under the radar when it comes to facebook or human contact. I can't face anyone nor trust anyone to talk with except for a counselor. I messed up my life that there seems to be no hope, no redemption, and no support. My own mother yelled at me last night after I told her I was getting kicked out from my ex's place after being lied to and strung along and calling him out on it. She yelled at me for being stupid enough to trust him again. I had my reservations, but didn't have anywhere else to go either. I sold myself out, I knew what I was doing and was stooping to an all time low moving in with him. It was either my son and I live in a dangerous house that was falling down or resort to a safely built dwelling with an abusive/toxic narcissist who could charm his way back into your life just long enough to have you foiled. I ended my career 4 years ago after remarrying another narcissist and being promised the world, then to encounter cancer and it's treatments and to be left by him. My career has zero mercy of forgiveness for leaving the field let alone forgiveness for putting your family first. You could tell me to get a new job, fat chance. 2 of my degrees are limiting to this particular field and it doesn't allow for lateral moves and isn't current for today's job market. I once was someone important, had big roles and positions, and now I'm a big waste. I still am living with cancer issues and appointments, have no hope for jobs after submitting my curriculum vitae over 100 times. Adding salt to injury, I abruptly ended my career after a nervous breakdown with a boss who was a tyrant hence bringing on career suicide. I told my then husband it would end my career forever, he encouraged me by promising me he would take care of me and that we didn't need the money. I hated my boss, but always attached myself to my job title. It was who I was. But, I cracked after the world was caving in on me with so many stressors. The stress hasn't ended, last night after seeing the demise of my mistakes and zero hope of gaining new employment (by the way, I have short term memory problems so learning a new skill was not advised by a doctor) I reached the end of myself. I tried to end it, unsuccessfully. Today, he (the ex, is still insisting I leave but he'll keep my son.) I should have seen it coming, just like my mother had said. I'm an idiot, a waste, and have zero desire to live. My son would be better off without a crazy mom who can't attain work or a decent housing. I'm a middle aged "has been" left with no hope. I actually believe I deserve it for making so many mistakes, being too trusting, and wrecking my life. I have fallen for two charmers who turned into the most cruel men I have ever known and don't trust my own choices nor discernment. I have nowhere to turn. I once was a somebody now I'm nothing. I'm better off dead at this point. Living is pure hell, there's no joy nor hope for a better life.