Hotmess

Today is a day off for me and it’s been a good day. I have completed MOST of the task I wanted to do today. It just made me think wow yesterday I would have jumped off a bridge and today I woke and was able to function fairly normally. The swings are what I would like to most put in the past. I have been self educating myself and maintaining with minimal help from a professional or outside help. I have tried to work more hours but my body will not. So I don’t want to file for ssdi, because of course that would give me a sense that I have given up on life. And my problem is I have some cognitive issues that are also embrassing that keeps me from being the old assertive me. Which hindsight was covered in the secrets I held. Omg laying this all out in words is so difficult. I can’t communicate well at all. I am done bye for now. #Shame #ChildhoodSexualAbuse #CognitiveDisorders #Hotmess #Anxiety

I am somebody yet I'm nobody at all. I want and strive to do so much but my body and mind do not get along very well. Some days I am sunshine, other days I am a tsunami. All of these days I feel pain. I can make everyone laugh and nobody knows how much it hurts. This mirror is a liar. Anxiety came back after I told her to stay gone the last time. I'm pretty sure she moved back in long term. I hate her. I want to check myself in somewhere....compared to this it would feel like vacation. But I don't deserve vacation. I need to go back to work. I finished school and I can't push anymore so everything has stopped. I feel pain. Everywhere but everyone needs me to keep going. It hurts. I wake up. It hurts. I get my kids to school. It hurts. I have so many things to do....I am laying down. I forgot to breath the past few minutes. Stop. Count to 30 and breath.....I have like 12 loads of laundry, we are out of milk, school just called daughter ran out of insulin, gotta run to school now....was that 30 seconds? Because I need to start over I forgot to breath again. Did I turn off the flat iron? I hope so because I didn't even do my hair. No time. I AM EXHAUSTED! I AM IN PAIN! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE NORMAL!!!!!!#AmIcrazy #isthisnormal #thisiseveryday #