Hyperventilation

I had a mental breakdown when I remembered when and why my depression started. I feel dead. And I want to die. I want to be selfish and leave all my friends, relatives, acquaintances, unfinished business and everything else ... I need a rest.
It is a pity that I can not afford to be selfish. All I can afford is to cry, to suffer and to laugh.
#Depression was my childhood friend. 👶
#SuicidalThoughts are there to make me suffer even more. 💔
#deathwish is a bad choice. 👎
#Hyperventilation is always there to help me. 😵
I had more than one #SuicideAttempt.😩
I'm trying to stay #positive. 🙃
#ImTrying my best. 🤹‍♂️

Just coming to terms with the fact that I’ll be out of a job in 2 months because of my illnesses.
Only managed to get in less than half the time this year so I knew this was a possibility, but it’s still a shock.
It’s being treated more like redundancy so I won’t be getting frogmarched out of the building.
Worried about my mortgage though. Remortgaged a few years back with the intention of doing up my flat but that money got used up to pay off loans and to cover living costs when I was off ill for over a year in 2016.
At least I get access to a company that will give me advice on finances, career, benefits etc. The only problem is that I don’t know if I can cope physically or mentally with trying to find something else. Then even if I do get something will I be able to keep going.