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Well? Shit happens.

I had a mental breakdown when I remembered when and why my depression started. I feel dead. And I want to die. I want to be selfish and leave all my friends, relatives, acquaintances, unfinished business and everything else ... I need a rest.
It is a pity that I can not afford to be selfish. All I can afford is to cry, to suffer and to laugh.
#Depression was my childhood friend. 👶
#SuicidalThoughts are there to make me suffer even more. 💔
#deathwish is a bad choice. 👎
#Hyperventilation is always there to help me. 😵
I had more than one #SuicideAttempt.😩
I'm trying to stay #positive. 🙃
#ImTrying my best. 🤹‍♂️


Is there a light at the end of the tunnel? Is it real??

I’m feeling down today. I feel down almost everyday of the week. I took the kids to a nearby park. I walked, breathed in the fresh air. It was a nice NewEngland fall day. Not too hot, not too cold. The sun was out and shining and plenty of vitamin D was available . The kids enjoy themselves. It sounds like a memorable day but I see/imagine death every where I look or go. It’s almost like these deplorable thoughts hunt my mind all the time. I was watching a video of this mom suffering from cancer and fighting for her life just live one more day with her family. I would trade places with her in a heartbeat. Why isn’t my life worth living in my eyes? My thoughts and medication are definitely not in love with each other.
I have even contacted a lawyer to draft my will just in case. I also have updated my beneficiaries in my life insurance just case. It seems like everything is almost ready but I can’t see taking the next step. I patiently wait and explore ideas of possibilities. Sometimes, I secretly pray to God to take me naturally so I would not seem selfish in front other people but nothing happens. I’m not gifted. I don’t contribute anything special to this world. There is no need of my presence at this time or any other time but I wondered if my thoughts will ever find the light everybody likes to talk about.
#DepressionSymptoms #feelinglonely #deathwish #AnxietySymptoms #depressive


why live when there is nothing left to live for? #Depression #SuicidalIdeation #deathwish

I deal with shit everyday and it has been that way for my whole 18years of my life because my mom marred an asshole that which so happens to be my father. not to mention for the past 4years I have been dealing with snaping hip syndrome where ur iloso tendon pops over ur hip socket every time u walk,go from sitting to standing and cuses excuceating pain I had surgery on both but didn't work as well as like 2years in a wheelchair because of the surgeries that didn't work #Pain #everydaylife #dontwanttolive

1 comment

Why I am punished for trying to help myself?

I am pretty sure that most of you know exactly what am I talking about.

So one month ago I took a lot of my energy and I reached out to psychologist! I did not find him by myself. It is mental health center and it was recommended to me by someone else. In my country you reach out to psychologist and he analyses you whether you need psychotherapy or something else. Yesterday (after 2 sessions which took 1 month!!!) analysis was done and he told me that I need very intensive care and he would recommend me individual psychotherapy or daily group sessions BUT they dont have capacity so goodbye and good luck. Can you imagine how discouraging is for exhausted person to hear this? I basically wasted one month, I wasted energy for absolutely nothing.

Everything I do just fails. Why cant I get something positive? Like "Hey, this is your God speaking. I see you are exercising with physiotherapist for months and you put a lot of time, money and effort in your troubles. Here let me give you some improvement so you know you are on the right path" NO! All I got so far was new injuries or setbacks and I end up crying alone at home and my heart hurts.

Two years ago I never understood why would someone want to kill themself or why do people take drugs. Now when I think about life I get physically sick, I feel crushed and hopeless. When I think about death I feel peace and relieve.

For last two days I almost stopped praying because I just dont feet like it but atleast yesterday I found private psychotherapist who is close to my home. I texted him and who knows what happens next :)

#demotivation #Suicide #deathwish


Another Person with Chronic Pain

Well, I have absolutely no idea what to say here. I will start with one fact - I am new here :) I live with death wish for last year because of my chronic feet pain - recently I paid a lot of money for the best medical clinic in my country but it looks like I am perfectly healthy - great news, right? I am 26 years old, I was always great in sports and I love traveling. For last two years I cannot do anything. I am sad at home praying for a miracle and sometimes crying. My family is not supportive at anything, they dont understand and they dont care about me much. I lost almost all of my friends because of my inactivity and I am slowly becoming insane. Every day I wish for healing and I imagine myself traveling around the world but its getting worse and worse. I am very exhausted and tired - psychically mostly because it is extremely hard to survive every day. I walk normally but the pain is always there. I am visiting the best physiotherapist I possibly can but no results yet. Everytime my feet started getting better some injury happened so my hope was absolutely crushed every time. I have to confess to something - when I had my 26th birthday in may I promised myself that this is my last year. By last year I mean that I will do everything that is possible to get better but if not succesfull I will end my live because I am not unable to live like this. Tomorrow I have second therapy with psychologist so I am kind of looking forward to it. I joined this site because sometimes I find new motivation and hope when I read someone elses story. We will see :)
#ChronicIllness #Pain #deathwish #Suicide


#charcot -Marie-Tooth #BPD #Insomnia #Anxiety #deathwish

I have charcot-marie-tooth and bpd, anxiety. Which all contributes to insomnia. Never been able to sleep good. My psychiatrist had me on both Ambien and restoril for almost 5 years. Slept better than I ever had in my life. Would happily be on them for rest of life in order to sleep.
But my psychiatrist retired. And the closest one who takes Medicare is 50 miles away and I'm not able to drive that far and I can't afford to go even once a month.
My general practitioner refuses to prescribe them for me because they "may be habit-forming and addictive"
So in meantime, the lack of restful sleep ups my anxiety, depression, cmt pain & fatigue and all that just makes the insomnia worse. Vicious cycle.
Now I have reached a point where I just wish it was over. I'm not suicidal. Just wish it was all done and through.