Well, it's 2:30am and my alarm goes off in 15 minutes because I have to go to the airport. And I haven't slept a bit.
I try so hard to have good sleep hygiene, but I can't seem to make it work. My phone and my brain are both equal problems. I have such difficulty with task switching (thanks pandemic for giving me a fun new probably-OCD symptom) and that includes going to bed/sleep. I get into bed and immediately I'm like "omg I have to read the Wikipedia page for multiple different species of squid because they're so cool, and now I'm reading the page for deep sea fish, and now for ocean trenches, and, and, and" or "I should definitely read this podcaster's whole Twitter feed for the millionth time" (I'm not even on twitter) or "now would be a great time to Google search one of my weird physical symptoms that may or may not be a problem or could just be a figment of my hypochondriac imagination." And when I finally do manage to close the browser and put the phone down, my brain goes wild, thinking thinking thinking. About all kinds of things. Anything. Big or small, real or imagined, important or frivolous, personal or abstract. Or it's too warm. Or too cold. Or I'm hungry. Or I have to go to the bathroom every 15 minutes. Or my TMJ issues are exceptionally terrible. Or it's all of those things at once.
Tonight, it's too warm, my jaw hurts like hell, and I spent a couple of hours being hungry before I gave in and ate some granola. And before that I was stuck on the phone for a couple hours. Then I thought hard for an hour. Gently bonked my pillow against my face for variety.
I'm visiting my grandmother, who neglected to tell me about her cough and laryngitis until I was already here. She's had two covid tests, both negative, so I'm not worried about that. But I'm still nervous about catching whatever she has in case it's something contagious. I can't bring even a common cold back to my campus. I'd feel terrible. I am vigilant, watching for signs of illness. Is that hint of soreness in my throat from allergies or dehydration or an impending disease that will lay me out for days and spread to my beloved classmates and professors?
I am always looking for something external to put me to sleep. I always have. I do not trust my own brain to understand how to sleep, and for good reason. It hasn't shown me convincingly that it is able to do so.
I've come a long way since I was ten years old believing that I was evil and deserved to die because I was unable to fall asleep. Tonight I'm just vibing. Hopefully I'll sleep on the plane. Or maybe my brain will permit me to take a nap when I'm back in my bed in my dorm. It's probably not healthy to think of myself as being at odds with my own mind when it comes to sleeping, but it's hard to do otherwise what with all I've been through.
I think I really need some help with this.
#Insomnia #OCD #HealthAnxiety #phone #Sleep #TemporomandibularJointDisorders #hypochondriac #executivedysfunction
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