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Losing My Phone

I slept all day again for the third day in a row. My phone is losing charge, my car needs repairs, and my boyfriend doesn't know if he can afford it (I sure can't). He talked about how sad it was that no cute girls in dresses were at his church, how he's mad at a high school girl showed interest in choir but now isn't (even though they knew she often showed interest in things and then didn't go through with it, but she's young, I say) whom he stood up for, and I want to say more, but my phone is at 69% battery, and dropping even though plugged in, and it's my only real contact with people. People don't want to hear my problems in real life, and I have no friends or family. I can't leave because of my disabilities and finances. I've called The National Domestic Violence Hotline three or four times, contacted mental health organizations, and government agencies, basically being told to essentially ignore my OCD, and I "have too much going on" for them to help me. My psychiatrist is retiring, I need to find a therapist as well, I have to find new doctors, and so much more. I'm overwhelmed, stressed, obese, unhealthy, and depressed. #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #Anxiety #Depression #Connection #phone #Stress #Obesity #Abuse #EmotionalAbuse


#ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #Anxiety #Depression #Connection #phone #freedom

I'm going through so much stress. My car may be dying, I think my phone's dying (it won't stay charging, at least, and I've tried different cords, outlets, etc.), and I keep peeing in bed. I've been trying to eat healthier and eat to ease constipation, but now I'm peeing in bed again, and with my OCD, it's making me crazy! I need a therapist and a doctor, but my boyfriend says I should wait until we move. I agree, since we don't know where we'll be, but I also NEED to talk to someone! I am not ok! I'm not suicidal, but I need to find out what's going on and to try to gain my freedom and independence. Right now, my phone and car are my way of connecting. I'm worried the stress will kill me. I don't want to die!


Insomnia and OCD doing their grim dance tonight (as per usual): scattered thoughts

Well, it's 2:30am and my alarm goes off in 15 minutes because I have to go to the airport. And I haven't slept a bit.

I try so hard to have good sleep hygiene, but I can't seem to make it work. My phone and my brain are both equal problems. I have such difficulty with task switching (thanks pandemic for giving me a fun new probably-OCD symptom) and that includes going to bed/sleep. I get into bed and immediately I'm like "omg I have to read the Wikipedia page for multiple different species of squid because they're so cool, and now I'm reading the page for deep sea fish, and now for ocean trenches, and, and, and" or "I should definitely read this podcaster's whole Twitter feed for the millionth time" (I'm not even on twitter) or "now would be a great time to Google search one of my weird physical symptoms that may or may not be a problem or could just be a figment of my hypochondriac imagination." And when I finally do manage to close the browser and put the phone down, my brain goes wild, thinking thinking thinking. About all kinds of things. Anything. Big or small, real or imagined, important or frivolous, personal or abstract. Or it's too warm. Or too cold. Or I'm hungry. Or I have to go to the bathroom every 15 minutes. Or my TMJ issues are exceptionally terrible. Or it's all of those things at once.

Tonight, it's too warm, my jaw hurts like hell, and I spent a couple of hours being hungry before I gave in and ate some granola. And before that I was stuck on the phone for a couple hours. Then I thought hard for an hour. Gently bonked my pillow against my face for variety.

I'm visiting my grandmother, who neglected to tell me about her cough and laryngitis until I was already here. She's had two covid tests, both negative, so I'm not worried about that. But I'm still nervous about catching whatever she has in case it's something contagious. I can't bring even a common cold back to my campus. I'd feel terrible. I am vigilant, watching for signs of illness. Is that hint of soreness in my throat from allergies or dehydration or an impending disease that will lay me out for days and spread to my beloved classmates and professors?

I am always looking for something external to put me to sleep. I always have. I do not trust my own brain to understand how to sleep, and for good reason. It hasn't shown me convincingly that it is able to do so.

I've come a long way since I was ten years old believing that I was evil and deserved to die because I was unable to fall asleep. Tonight I'm just vibing. Hopefully I'll sleep on the plane. Or maybe my brain will permit me to take a nap when I'm back in my bed in my dorm. It's probably not healthy to think of myself as being at odds with my own mind when it comes to sleeping, but it's hard to do otherwise what with all I've been through.

I think I really need some help with this.

#Insomnia #OCD #HealthAnxiety #phone #Sleep #TemporomandibularJointDisorders #hypochondriac #executivedysfunction

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#succesbreedssuccess #wisdomlearnedon the journey #phone / notification note/anxiety#videocalls

A wonderful opportunity has fallen my. I've joined our town's Anti-Hate Coalition, focusing on a specific agenda. I admit I avoided the first video call I had to make. Full panic. I then talked to myself and thought of the "greater good"; I happy obliged my self to the group. Surprisingly, I might have to give some public presentations but at this moment my conviction feels stronger than fear.
But now--yikes!!! Answering the phone (at every ring!), reading every notification, type emails while deep breathing, do my fingers don't shake----ha! My motivation is strong for full steam ahead!!! I believe any #successbreedssuccess . I 'll breathe deeply, not rush , give myself a compliment and start the work of a new habit,; retrain the brain!
How is everyone else doing? Any tips?

1 comment

#phone cut off

My phone messed up, didnt get to finish, but I have my journal, thank you for allowing me to vent and speak


Life in My Phone

Do you ever feel guilty or worried about spending so much time on your phone, or other communication devices, since becoming chronically ill?

In my latest blog post I share my thoughts on the topic.....the pros and cons #phone #lifeline #Community #Support #Career #


#Recovery #Healing #sharingiscaring

I am starting my training to work on the #CrisisTextLine tonight. I have done a lot of #peercounseling over the years, but I am really excited about this. I have worked on other #Crisis  #phone lines before but its very  #empowering for me. My journey in  #Recovery has been a long, sometimes painful  #learning experience But it feels good to #sharemystory . #Depression has been my enemy for most of my life but I have been  #Learningtolovemyself and in turn #givingback !

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