innervoice

For years, whenever something happens I always hear that inner voice that sounds like my mom that says:"Be nice." As a child, I did so, as a teen, I was reluctant yet I did, as and adult... I'm literally screaming "I DON'T WANT TO!!!" at that same inner voice. I can be a nice person, I care about people more than I really care to admit, but I realize that being nice to some people all of the time literally feels like I'm still holding the door open for them to take all of my time and energy. I am still learning to set boundaries and it was always hard for me to say "no" to people for this exact reason. I want to learn how to balance this because I really don't want to be trapped in this same narrative for the rest of my life. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #innervoice #boundaries

I realized something today. I was just scrolling through Facebook and my inner voice just kept saying "I hate you. I hate you." over and over and over. I thought about it and realized that that's my inner voice's default. If I'm not actively thinking about something, the refrain is all negative either relating to what I am doing, or it goes back to the "I hate you" refrain.

"Normal" people don't have this. I honestly don't know what it would be like not to have this negative self talk. Is this why even when I try I can't be happy?

I know the source of the voice - my grandmother, my dad, his 3rd wife, her kids, my exes. People who are no longer in my life because I knew that being around them was toxic. So why after all of these years are their words my inner refrain?

I can't wait for my psychiatrist to be back from maternity leave. These things are the reason why I think complex PTSD should be an additional diagnosis. I wish I knew a better way to change the refrain than "stand up to it" or "think positive" or "challenge it" like CBT and DBT tell us to. Because I agree with the voice. And then I start to "should" myself and that just spirals.

I'm grateful for this community because I feel comfortable saying these things without the fear of judgement and "pick yourself up by the bootstraps" mentality that are so pervasive on other social media forums. Thank you.

Friend: I can watch your dog while you're away
My thought: oh thanks friend that's such a relief!
Friend: But my landlord might get annoyed so ill volley him between houses
My thought: Ok that's fine
Friend: And i would rather have another person who can help me on days I work long or if I'm too busy and need to set a schedule with you about who can watch which days
My thought: Um ok. Now I am a burden and my dog is a burden and I wish you didnt offer because now I feel more worried than when you initially offered and feel like a bad friend who is taking advantage

Reality: It's ok Friend offered to help
My thought: BUT THEN WHY DO I FEEL SO BAD

Today thanks to a dear friend; realised my own inner issues. Sometimes a fight actually can clear up your brain and help you to reinvent yourself.

Thank you for protecting me from those who tried.

Their words like feathers compared to your knives.

You feed off the pain I’ve kept inside.
What happens when your food subsides?

You see bully inside me, I’m done holding in.
Emotional monsters that eat from within.

I’m freeing myself through shedding light.
Into the darkness that helps you fight.

So hide while you can, it won’t last long.
For I am becoming emotionally strong.
#innervoice #negativeinnervoice