Is it just me...or do other's feel the older they get, the worse it feels when your traumatic event's replay over and over. Like if you're triggered, it brings up the one.. but that one being triggered, triggers them all? So you're left in this LOUD and fast mess in your head. You see it all, you hear it all and you feel every single one, all over again? When this happens, it brings me into a very low state. I'd say this has been the hardest/longest depressive episode it's put me in. Even experienced new thing's it's had me struggling with that's unfamiliar territory for myself. The sleep deprived state I'm constantly in. The hopelessness consuming me more and more each day that goes by...a month feels like it's been crammed in a day. When you physically feel ill trying to make yourself eat a simple piece of bread because you feel that sick to your stomach by the way you're feeling...just the thought of showering feels like you've ran miles when you haven't even moved yet! Just getting out of bed to use the restroom is exhausting in itself. You crave to sleep just to escape it, yet you can't sleep.
Listen...this battle alone feels unbearable. But when I reach out to anyone outside my trauma therapists office (family/friends) I get shamed for even trying. I'm avoided, cut off, told to toughen up, told it could be worse, to be more grateful, you sound selfish or the famous one "I'll call you back" but no one does? So many can know I'm not doing well & won't even check in...ask if I'm doing alright or if they can simply listen to what I'm feeling. I understand it can make other's feel anxious, from what I'm told "you're giving me anxiety" "you're stressing me out" I do apologize, I do hide it 90% of the time. But when that 10% isn't doable to hide...i feel like i get punished. I get cut off..so the more silence I receive from other's, the louder my thoughts get. So now 1 triggered trauma.. triggered more traumas that triggered you to search for help/support, because you are overwhelmed, scared, hurt, lost, confused..but now you're feeling guilty, angry, unheard, abandoned and hopeless while you're stuck isolating yourself?
What does one do in a situation that's now lasted a month, making you feel like your traumatic memories are eating you alive inside with every feeling flooding in all at once until that numbness kicks in.. but it doesn't stick.. it repeats... turns into feeling like you suddenly can't breath...
The disappointment & sadness of trying to reach out but facing more judgment, more turned back's or my favorite "it'll pass" yes, it'll pass... but I'm not sure why..but while it's happening..I'm to do it alone? That feels like all I've known. Shouldn't I be use to it? Why would it feel harder to ignore?
I understand it's my Trauma's!! It's my battles. It's my mental illnesses!! But why is it so hard to be heard. Why can't a simple hug be offered? Why can't a listening ear be mutual? I'm a helper at heart. I love helping decode people's problem's. Heck...I'll drown myself with other's issue's and fix them before my own (working on that) but regardless of anything...I will always always listen. I will always answer. I will always check in. Why am I not worth the same? Why do I feel like suffering is all I know? How do I kick this dark place I'm in if I can't even find a slight bit of motivation? I didn't ask for this. I truly don't believe anyone does... but I feel like the one's that are suppose to be there are making it seem like I wanted to put myself in this problem. I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing... the meds, the therapy. Yes...I understand I need to try more coping mechanisms but sometimes when you hit that burnout... that it's self feels so difficult to even slightly focus on because the several thoughts and emotions are so active, that it's extremely difficult to be able to focus on them coping mechanisms. For me... it's like I should be trying to study in a crazy loud active concert or trying to eat the messiest food while on rollercoaster ride while trying not to get a single drop on your white shirt.
Sometimes people just want to feel like they matter. That their struggles are noticed and that a listening ear is available. Sometimes that's all someone needs is to be heard. To be loved, while they struggle to love themselves in that moment!!
Just a reminder, to be kind. To just listen. To put the judgment aside. Don't try and add more rubble onto the rubble someone is trying to climb out of already. Offer a helping hand instead. Cause some never make it out when the weight of it becomes to much to bare.
#MentalHealth #triggers #Bekind
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