Bekind

With all the negative things happening in my life I have began to loss hope that things will get better. Finding out I got kicked out of school because people had a vengeful motive for going to the President of the nursing department. Today finding out I need to get another Upper Endoscopy because of my swallowing issue form four years ago making a return. Also, my therapist telling me I don’t have a mental illness was a huge blow.

That hope though was restored today. The hope that there are good people that still see the good in me and care about me. It came from an unlike source, but not a truly surprising source. Let me give you a little background on the person. The person is a nurse at the local hospital, and I first meet her when she was a student. I have had other encounters with her over the years through transferring patients, she was my nurse when I got my second endoscopy and was my dad’s nurse in the endoscopy and then radiation oncology. She has always been super sweet and nice to me hence why it wasn’t a total surprise. The surprise came today when I took my dad to an appointment at the hospital and after he was checked out she came over with open arms and said I haven’t seen you in awhile and have be a big hug. Something she had never done before. Little did I know until after she asked my dad extensively about how I was going and if I was in school. Her hug was not because she hadn’t seen me awhile, her hug was instead a hug of compassion, worry, and genuine caring.

This hug made my day better even though I thought it was just a hug because someone hadn’t seen me in a while. The true impact came after I found out the true meaning of the hug. This person went out of there way to give me a hug when others see me as a horrible person. This hug showed me a level of caring that I haven’t seen since my life started circling the drain. She will never know the impact her gestured had on me, but I hope to one day be able to tell her and I pray that life rewards her with many great things. The thing that is amazing about it is she could easily have done nothing, she didn’t have to show compassion toward me, she didn’t have to be caring or compassion toward me, I wasn’t her patient, and we don’t see each other on the regular. But she choose to act, to show compassion to someone going through a rough time. She is the true image of what a nurse is. She is truly ana amazing person that choose to act when it wasn’t required. I pray I get to one day tell her the impact her action had, but I fear I will never be given that opportunity.

So, Jessica you are an amazing caring and compassionate person that choose not to see that negativity put out there by people trying to tell my story, you instead choose to make your own view of me, a positive view, a view that I am going through a rough patch and just need to know someone cares. So, to you I say thank you and tell you that you are one of the most caring people I have ever meet. I can never repay you or reward you for your action today, but you have forever changed my life. I have always thought you were nice and sweet, but today’s action permanently cemented that for me. I pray I get to tell you one day the positivity you have brought into my life with a simple hug. They say things happen for a reason, well today’s hug came a time where I have been mentally and emotionally beaten down to the point my life is metaphorically circling the drain.

It is amazing how something as small as a hug can have such a huge impact. It amazing how going against the majority and showing compassion and caring toward someone can have a huge impact, an impact you may never know you are making. I have seen this only a select few times in the last 6 months. The first time came from Amanda that I used to work with that still talks to me despite facing ridicule from her coworkers and when her and her daughter got me a birthday present. The second time this happened was today with the hug. She could have easily viewed me how the rest of society views me, but she went against the majority and showed compassion toward me. I think about it and I wonder if with my social anxiety if I would have been able to do the same for another. But, after today and the impact it had on me, I know any future chance I will do the same thing that these two amazing woman have done for me.

#BipolarDisorder #BipolarDepression #Bipolar #MentalHealth #Suicide #Depression #Anxiety #compassion #Bekind

bipolartater.com/compassion

There has been a lot of talk about the idea and concept of being “present.” The idea of just being there for someone going through a struggle. The idea that even just sitting in silence with someone lets them know you are present for them and that you are there whenever they need someone to talk to. It’s a simple idea yet so many people fail to do it for those closest to them going through a struggle. It could be the shift in society that views more of a reliance on your own problems than those of others. Being present it someone that can have an amazing impact on someone else’s life. Yet why do so many people fail to do it for those they care about.

Two weeks ago, I started a new group therapy for grief. Going into the first session, I was nervous because I was not going into grieving death, I was going in grieving the lose of friendships, employment, the pre-grieving of losing nursing school and my lifestyle. Two weeks later, I realized I am in fact grieving death, the death of my dog that I got during my first mental health struggles, so I had something to live for. If it wasn’t for that dog, I would be dead and I would have achieved so much the last nine years despite everyone telling me I wouldn’t be able to do anything with my life. Boy, do I miss that dog and wish I could go pick him out again and start out mental health journey together again. Also going to my first meeting of the new group I was in a depressed mood, as I had just read a hurtful comment on my blog, I was ready to give up all blogging which I did with only two posts. But, that first session, as each person shared their grief, death of loved ones, I realized what it meant to be present, I was there for these people sharing their stories of lose. I was able to give encouraging words and insight. It was truly amazing. The day after our second meeting, I had court and that morning the one group member messaged me and told me she was thinking of me. Once again someone just being present. IT was touching and extremely nice and caring. This however my bipolar brain into motion with thoughts of being "present."

My bipolar brain made realize that while I was present for these people, I was not truly present for them. How could I truly be fully present for someone else when I was and am still not currently fully present in my own life. Everyday to me feels like the expression of just being a warm body. A warm body in my day in all aspects. Most days I could not tell you what went on a day or two later, this is not because of a lack of short term or long-term memory. This is instead the result of me being complete numb and just not present. I don’t know if it is just the shock of the horrible situation, I have gotten myself into with my mental health and legal struggle or if it is just simple something else. My bipolar brain does make me think, if I made such a huge impact on the group members without fully being present like I could if I was present in my own life, what could I do for them and others suffering from mental health or grief if I was truly present in my own life too. I don’t know what it will look like or take for me to no longer being a warm body in my life and to be present, but I hope to figure it out soon. I look forward to it though because it will present the next chapter in my life in helping others and getting to the life I am meant to live.

So, my thought is while it is a great gesture to be present in someone else’s life to help them in their struggles, we must not forget to be present in our own lives.

#MentalHealth #bepresent #Bekind #BipolarDisorder #Depression #anixiety

bipolartater.com/being-present