Bekind

I'm not even sure if that makes sense, I'm not really sure of anything right now!today I was told that my urgent referral to get the swollen lump lymph node in my neck may take upto 6 weeks !ive had it since Sept last uear and was palmed off numeroustimes till last week my specialistsaid she was very concerned(and that is being classed as urgent)Due to my previous cancer and treatment before Covid hit and now to the way this is being handled and considering I had Covid and was hospitalised for nearly 6 weeks and since have been suffering Long covid issues I know how serious it is.But I felt so angry that I'm already dealing with all my usual issues,then this catheter in,still retaining, slipped disc so on crutches to get about and everyday and night I am worried sick about if this lump is serious !and now thinking I may have to feel like this for however many weeks/months and then even if it is serious the care at the moment chemo/treatments most people are having to wait months to get anything started due to the way it's all been since covid.I am angry at my body for failing me in the first place ,for getting to this ,I'm angry at having to feel like I'm begging someone to help or listen ,I feel like I've prepared for the worst now anyways and what hope is there to have !I know hospitals and staff have and do do their best and I'm not saying anything against that I'm just frustrated that myself and millions of others and people way worse off than me are suffering even more even when it's serious or terminal. I'm scared ,I'm angry ,I'm frustrated and then I just feel numb because right now I'm here and I'm a Mummy I have to just be as ok as I can which is difficult enough at the minute ........

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So it looks like another night of non stop ovethinking ,lying in bed trying not to think about all the things I can't seem to stop thinking about !!

Really wish I could just shut off certain thoughts, memories, things coming into my head .

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Soo today wasn't a great day either. I really had all these ideas that I wanted to get myself up and try and spend quality time with the kids and even just go to the park area across from our home ,but after good intentions and going to local shop really briefly it literally hit me ,I could hardly move with the pain in my back and legs even using the crutches,I felt ad though walking while feeling the catheter iwas like something pulling at my insides every step I took,I felt anxious ,I felt my self start to have a hot flush in panic, while trying to remind myself I was fine and I would be OK. I literally felt in a daze for the next few moments until we got back to the car and then back home where I had to go for a shower and then right back to bed because I was in agony , luckily enough they were still able to go out to the park and play and have some fun but I just felt like such a failure like my body is completely failing me and I'm failing ad a mum.I can't even do the simple things I used to do with them now without a struggle or pain getting in the way .I got myself so upset and I just had to remember that it's just a bad day & even though it seems there's a lot justnow it's not a bad life.My two kids are amazing and healthy and hopefully and I'm sure in ways they don't see me in the way I see myself.I have decided I'm not going to put too much pressure on myself right now because I cannot handle the fails.Im going to take it moment by moment and day by day and if I manage to do something I wanted and was happy about then I'll be proud of myself and if not then il try again tomorrow. I'll try anything right now to keep myself from being back in that dark heads pace which is absolutely no good for me or my family. ♥️It was a bad day for me but I have plenty to be thankful for and my kids got more time with me than they have past few days and I even managed it out of bed and to go out to shop with them so I'll be thankful i managed that 😊 ❤️

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So today just isn't a great day ! Just can't snap out of this head space I'm in . In constant pain ,having so many issues with the catheter so hoping that this week they will do the #suprapubic catheter to see if its any easier and stops some of the problems.Struggling to get around even with the crutches, can't sleep and really anxious and worrying while waiting for the emergency ultra sound to check my lymph nodes to see if anything has came back (previous skin cancer) so just feeling constantly anxious. Just feeling really rubbish today and then silly because I know there's people way worse off than me and my issues probably seem so irrelevant 🙈but just can't get out of this negative head space today .

Anyways hope everyone is having a good weekend would love to know what your all upto ??

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So I got out of hospital I am still on long term catheter which nurses are coming in most days to check etc ,but my bladder is rejecting it so it's only draining little bits ,my stomach is still bloating as I'm retaining alot and the pain is causing more pressure on my spine,I am in constant pain, I've never felt so damaged through everything I've dealt with till now,Had my emergency app with dermatologist specialist yesterday and she's not very happy especialky with ky history of skin cancer etc so she's put through for an urgent ultra sound scan to be done on my lymph nodes to see what it is and if needs to be removed. The waiting is causing me so much anxiety and my head keeps slipping to dark places like what if it is serious and I won't be here for the kids and tunns of other crazy things .I'm trying to keep focused on little things crafty things I enjoy or organising what I can while sitting on my pressure cushions or in bed ,but dealing with the worrying while in so much physical pain ,using crutches, literally can't do anything unaided ,,trying to keep things as normal for kids as possible, teying to be the best mummy i can right now when im literally falling into pieces and waiting to see if I have to have a suprapubic catheter interested into my stomach because of these issues everything is just too much right now .

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Since Covid / then Long covid ,severe anxiety &depression, PTSD from the fire at our previous home then all the mess with going into homless accommodation then temporary accommodation then eventually getting our home end of the year I was really feeling so positive and looking forward even though I was still dealing with chronic pain in my back and legs every day ,the issues I have from long covid and the ptsd I was finally excited and looking forward and coping.Even my pain and symptoms getting worse due to the slipped disc,the fact my hair is still falling out ,my scars from the skin cancer biopsies , I was still focusing on the new house ,decorating things making things the way I wanted and liked as I'm always crafty and like changing things with my own touches. My mood was much better and I was having less bad days then all this !now have been long term catheterised ,on crutches now for the foreseeable, my breathing issues are worse now ,I need help with everything basically unable to do anything myaelf unaided or supported.I have completely lost myself,loads my confidence in everyday possible, I don't enjoy the little things I used to love I feel I have no passion or drive feel like I am a completely different person ,I don't look forward now I'm taking days by days and just in this ongoing routine of being in pain on medication that I need but makes me constantly tired and drowsy. I feel like my children are suffering again after everything now having to see me like this and unable to do any of the things I used to do with them without assistance, walking aids,pain relief ,being on such strong medication that makes me constantly drowsy and unable to even get up sometimes .I feel so frustrated and agitated that my body is in such a state and constantly look at everything I've lost and loved about myself.Right now I am getting through the days but that's it I feel numb and guilty that there's people way worse off yet at the minute I can only see and feel how bad things are .having ongoing appointments non stop , worrying about the lymph node that is swollen now considering my history and what that may then cause or need to be done.I just feel absolutely exhausted I feel like a burden to those round me who are there for me and helping me as though I'm just a burden and a pest. I feel like I'm failing as a mum and my kids are suffering because of my health and issues.I just really can't seem to see anything other than this dark place rightnow 😭😭 I'm glad I have this app to vent my struggles and situations and I'm always very appreciative of the support and advice I get and could really be doing with some justnow.
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Well I am finally home from hospital, but I have a long term Catheter in which may become something permanent depending on the damage to my bladder and my spine.I am on crutches, I can barely move to even slide myslef up a bed without struggling in pain ,I am now on morphene repeat prescription also from the chronic pain team .I have to see district nurses to see about getting things at home to help me be able to do things and get around now.I am so glad to be home with the kids and my little Coco ,but family member has now had to move in as I need assistance and care with everything to moving around to getting dressed,,washed,and also to deal with the kids which is amazing as means I can be at home with them even though I'm unable to do anything.they found a lump in my neck lymph nodes and because of the previous skin cancer its been referred urgently to my dermatologist.ive never struggled or been in as much pain as I am now so just having to take everyday as it comes and see what happens at future appointments.

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So after suffering with the spinal fluid damage ,and slipped disc for energy two years and being in pain every day ,having to use crutches most days and really struggling I knee it was getting worse and kept being told it was long covid and just being given stronger pain relief on repeat prescription, I ended up back in hospital and have been here 10 days already , My bladder is completely damaged I became unable to pass urine at all nothing I am completely numb ,my leg and arm have been going numb , the pain is unbearable, I had to be catheterised as my body had swollen because I'd waited too long long before coming in , I am getting a final scan and tests tomorrow to see how severe the damage is and what needs to be done if its an op or that,also I have a lump which has appeared on my neck as due to the past skin cancer issues this is being referred to emergency dermatology to be checked.
I am on numerous pain meds which at some points arent wven helping at all ,i am so frustrated it's taken this long and had so many signs it was getting worse and its not got to this .The damage may be too bad now ? I usually just cope with getting on with things but I'm extremely worried and anxious now , I've been crying non stop which I really don't do either I'm quite good at just masking things and holding it together!but I feel like I've I've eventually just hit my limit and can't take much more ...

Sorry for the rant and for being so quiet on my groups lately. Hopefully tomorrow will give some answers and a plan to what needs to be done.

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Well after a crazy ,hectic ,non stop 6 weeks of very long days ,all the decorating ,all the packing and moving things tonight I emptied the last of the boxes .This house now is starting to feel like our home :) .
Organising everything and even just hanging shelves or photos and adding all our little things has made me so excited .It's been a lot of tears and it's not completely done but I'm actually so proud of myself and what I've managed to do myself in 6 weeks considering the mess it was in when I got it.ive done things I never thought I'd be able to , and it feels so amazing now seeing it all come together ,seeing how Happy the kids are and how much them and our little Coco are settling into it.Really does make all the stress and hard work worth it to see them all so happy :) due to my health and pain being so bad too just decorating things,making things or organising stuff has really been helping with my anxiety aswell and I'm actually enjoying it.ive had so many and fay's lately but tonight unpacking that last box felt like such a relief and such an achievement of the fact I've done it all myself while being in pain and struggling and also making sure kids are settling in .
Going to bed feeling very satisfied and blessed tonight which is a really nice feeling compared to way I have been feeling alot lately.

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It's so important to remind ourselves that we are enough .When we are struggling or on the harder days and when we are feeling just too overwhelmed , we have to try remind ourselves that we are strong , we're doing great ,we are enough.

When we have things going on in our lives on top of our own daily struggles wether it's physically,mentally ,emotionally or even all even being able to sometimes just do something which may seem small can be so difficult and challenging but it's progress and we should be proud of ourselves for getting through it or managing to do it no matter how small it may seem.
After having so much much going on past 6 weeks with my health struggles, getting a new house having to sort it all decorate full thing myself and do all the packing and moving ,then settling us in , trying to get kids settled and into a routine and all the joys of unpacking while feeling like I'm living out of bags and boxes and living in a riot on top on being in pain constantly and my usual daily struggles I'm really trying to remind myself just exactly how much I've done and that I should be proud of myself.
I am still struggling with believing this all myself ,and knowing im doing my best all the time but I am trying 😊

We have to take the time for self care to make sure we reset ♥️😊
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