innocence

I randomly had this enlightening thought this evening. What if part of the reason for my strong anxiety around certain activities that I loved when I was growing up is actually because I'm trying to keep my inner child separate from my post-narcissistic abuse self? Maybe this is too psychoanalytical and I've made it all up (following a long habit of trying to explain my triggers to myself), but it really could make sense.

I've had a hard time explaining my aversion to things like classic film, board games, and even the profession for which I trained. I couldn't see a clear link between the narcissistic abuse of my ex and those things, so I've made up plausible explanations over the years to try to comfort myself that my reactions are reasonable and warranted.

When I left my ex, I was extremely aware that one of the worst things that he stole from me was my innocent, trusting nature. I think I've been protecting that former self - because she is apparently still in me somewhere - from "contamination" by refusing to do activities that I used to love or even just used to do. It's like, if I sit on a swing at a playground and enjoy myself (for example), I'll open my former innocent self up to all the darkness and pain that my ex brought into my life.

Is this a thing? Is this something that other narcissistic abuse survivors can relate to?

#narcissisticabusesurvivor #Anxiety #trigger #innerchild #IFS #CPTSD #Relationships #innocence #Trust