JustAThought

I don't know if I can label what I go through. I don't know if it's anxiety. But I definitely know that the root cause is from stress. It occurs very rarely, in moments when I am left all alone to deal with my dark thoughts.
Most days, I just push them away,trying not to make a big deal of it. But there are some days when it just gets to me.
There is this darkness surrounding me filling me with such negativity that I can't even find the strength to climb out of it.
At that moment,all I want to do is curl in a corner and just cry. Cry because it gets so overwhelming.
There is that voice that keeps telling me that I am not enough,that I'm just not worth it and the problem is,is that each and every time I believe it. The only good thing is that it occurs rarely. But when it strikes,it strikes hard.
There was one time when I couldn't even breathe. It was terrifying and I couldn't stop the tears from rolling.
And there is a time where I go numb. I don't feel anything. No emotions nada.
I just wanted to put it out there.

I’ve been feeling more level lately, which is what makes depression all the more frustrating... I normally can tell when my depression episodes are coming. I see the signs- loss of interest in hobbies, isolating from everyone, constant zoning out, exhaustion and over all feeling extremely low, numb and worthless. Today I felt pretty good, have had a nice week! I was playing a video game, a mindless, relaxing one at that and it hit me like a freight train.. I just started crying and feeling incredibly detached from myself and my environment. Out of no where. I felt like I lost a sense of self, it broke me.. I can’t help but feel this dark pit in my stomach like I failed.. that I shouldn’t feel this way right now. It wasn’t the right time, I should have been able to prepare, saw the signs. Then I’m feeling the slew of debilitating, foggy emotions and I’m trying to find a reason as to what caused this.. but I know often has no rhyme or reason. I always feel the need to explain why I’m depressed to people like it’s consistently an emotionally triggering issue. People who have never had always want to know “why you’re sad.” In reality even knowing what can be a trigger for my and being able to see warning signs... even having all my bases covered, sometimes it is still random, chemical and out of my control. I think that is what is the hardest thing for me to accept about having a mental illness, is not being able to have that control. It’s such a challenge to learn to love and accept myself when I’m in these lows. To let myself be depressed without the added pain of making myself feel guilty.. worthless.. or just flat out ridiculous for feeling this way. I feel like a constant burden to those around me even though I know they don’t feel this way. How do I change these unreasonable self expectations that I’ve had for myself prior to discovering that I have and anxiety. When can I learn to be patient with myself and give myself the love and support that my friends and family give me?

It’s my first post. Not going to lie it’s scary, but I’ve been really loving this app. It’s great being able to help and relate to so many of you who have similar feelings, experiences and struggles. I feel less alone here and tonight seemed like the night to share my thoughts! Thanks for reading💜

#Depression #firstpost #JustAThought #MentalIllness

I’m sitting here thinking about all of these empty pill containers I’ve racked up on. About 100+ so far. If I’ve collected that many in Less than a year; how many billions end up in landfills. They need pill container drop off sites. Put collection bins in Walgreens, CVS, hospitals, etc. It really irks me to throw them away. I use the empty containers to collect my quarters. That’s my little way of repurposing these containers. In my neighborhood, recycling is not offered. #EarthFriendlyResourscing #JustAThought

Is this our hell we live in now? We finally get our peace when we die? Then why are we so afraid to let go........

Yes, this is the oldest trick in the book of our friends who want to point out that our darkest thoughts, even in a really harsh life situation, isn't as bad as the one of the hostages held for years in Vietnam or people who were taken to the concentration camps. Rationally, I understand this, but even if I weren't in the situation of losing my rented flat and living on the streets of Poland, why do I still have to hear that old trope? The friends I spoke to yesterday don't seem to realise I suffer from #Agoraphobia #PanicDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder and bouts of severe suicidal ideation. They do know I've been hospitalised for suicide attempts and self-harm. Now I'm feeling terrible because of my family members killed in the gas chambers of Auschwitz-Birkenau and Treblinka, and feel so much guilt for not being braver with my treatment. I feel guilty for being mentally ill. Again, rationally speaking, I know my friends shouldn't have brought up "the others have had it worse" trope, but I'm scared of telling them this has hurt me, and I wish they wouldn't give very specific examples of "the more resilient." I'm not being a strong enough Stoic, although I don't define myself only through this school of philosophy. I wish I could cut them out, block them from my life, but I already have a very limited circle of friends. It's a vicious circle. #JustAThought