latenight

When I’m up late most nights I let my mind wonder, yes I know this is bad most of the time. Though I feel sometimes it makes me feel almost normal. When I let my mind wonder it’s almost like gambling, sometimes good, but mostly bad. When it’s good I smile and feel ok, but when it’s bad I feel like everyone/thing hates me. I feel as though nothing matters or that people won’t want to help me. Though I know that’s not true I can’t help but think it.....I know there are so many people who will sit down and talk to me, who won’t just ignore me. Yet I seem to push them away, when It’s late and I begin to cry I push the people I love away the most. I know that’s bad, but I can’t help it, I want them to be happy not worried or sad that I’m not ok. I want to make them smile and laugh. It scares me to reach out to others, but I need to do it more often I really do. I feel like a bad person when I want to reach out, yet I also feel like a bad person when I don’t. Let me explain, when I push people away I don’t respond to them fast enough, I leave them on read. Too scared to respond, as though I’m going to say something that will upset them. But I know deep down that if they really do love me for me they won’t get mad. So I need to try to let down my walls, and let them in. I need to at most try. So yay for me I guess. Though for you the reader, always remember you have people here for you. You are loved by people, and if you don’t think so well I love you. I don’t care if I know you, you are here for a reason, and that reason is not to just come and go. You are unique in your own way, you are amazing in your own way. Don’t let others bring you down just for being yourself. You matter, you are loved, and you are cared for. I love you, stay strong.❤️ #latenight #Anxiety #Depression #Loveislove #betruetoyou #genderfluid

For the past two nights I’ve been up till 4am (about right now) with my thoughts in bed. I’m waiting for this med that I take when I’m feeling like this to kick in. As it gets later and later, I get more anxiety and it becomes a catch-22. This whole isolation thing is making this month go by so slowly. I want to scream. I’m still exercising when I need to and have even risked contact just to hang out with friends in person because I was going crazy for human face to face interaction.

Last night, I felt so much pressure from anxiety in my chest that if it wasn’t for me catching it and doing some stretches and deep breaths to lease the tension, I think I could have had a panic attack. Mine are not severe panic attacks. They happen when there so much pressure in my chest that it literally feels like I can’t breathe.

I’m honestly Not sure why or what I’m worried about exactly. I dot even know why I’m posting this. Maybe I need to get this out there. Maybe I’m wondering if other people are like this? Maybe I want support? But for what? Ugh.

#Anxiety #Depression #latenight #why #Stress #idk

I called and he was on another call. He was supposed to call me but he said he was working and he and this girl were active on Instagram at the same time too. And I was gonn talk to him and sleep. But now I can’t stop crying. I lost my best friend this month as well. I’m breaking down I don’t know what to do. He won’t even pick up for me to break up w him or meet me till the end of this week. I’m broken. #Depression #Suiciderightnow #latenight

Going through ibs flare ups and still trying to show up is one hell of a job. And the awareness is so little that no support can be expected from anyone.
#IBS #Awareness