lostsoul

I use to think I already have felt the worse possible pain from my abusive childhood. Grew up in a cult. My Father sexually assaulted me for yrs, and my mother knew and never stopped. She Intern blamed me, hated me. So what could cause worse life long issues and pain?....Losing my husband. He was my anchor and my foundation. He is the one person who said he'd never leave me. And now he's left. Yes ik it's not his fault, but this pain that I now carry with me is worse. Ik this pain will always be with me for the rest of my life. Ik I have to figure out my own way to live with this darkness surrounding me. My whole life I've carried this darkness. My husband was the one that helped me to carry part of it. And I helped carry him when needed.
And now as I lay here crying my eyes out, trying not to wake my son, I can't help to not wonder, what's the point? Why are we allowed to make deep connections and feel truly loved, only to have it taken away every time? I'm not very religious. And if there's nothing after we die, then what's the point? How much longer am I going to have to carry the weight of all this pain and darkness that life keeps giving me? I'm so tired of people saying give it time, or it'll get better, easier. Or don't worry about that, just focus on now. My whole life has been trauma after trauma, pretty fucking sure I've tried everything to "let it go, move on, choose to be happy." My soul is so tired and bitter...#Grief #Widow #Broken #ChronicPain #lostsoul #givingup i

So August and I guess September are not my best months this year.
I recently came to terms that my husband is gay and our marriage is more of convenience. I lost my job, I wasn't there that long, but it was the first job I've ever lost since I began working at the age of 18. Since nothing was holding me back, I decided to stay with a friend that is out of state and I cannot help but feel extremely lost and somewhat disconnected with life. Im down for many reasons and I don't think I've ever coped with my depression that well. I'm on medicine of course, and I can schedule an appointment with a therapist but it's not enough. I think in general I feel like a burden not only to myself but to my friend. I took my dog with me to basically escape and I feel like I wronged her even. Like I took her from her home. If I were to continue to ignore things, I would have kept my job and still living day to day by pretending nothing in my personal situation bothers me.
I decided to change that and took the bull by the horns. I don't always know if it was the best decision though. I haven't talked to my husband in about two weeks. He's only reached out to me one time and I haven't even responded because I don't know what to tell him.
I was feeling better and happier to get out of my thick cloud but lately I feel depressed and hopeless. Nothing anyone can say or do can change that. I'm also having crazy dreams that make no sense what so ever.
My close family and friends know what's going on, but I haven't expressed my depression to anyone because I hate people worrying about me. I close myself off and refuse to let anyone help me. Now that I'm having help, it makes me feel like burden. A big burden. And I don't deserve sympathy, love, compassion or really anything at this point in my life. This is what races in my mind all the time. The fact that my friend is showing me love, makes me unworthy even though I love him back. It was an unexpected affair mind you.
Anyway, just in general, I feel very lost and I don't know how to cope or suppress my depression any more. I just want to hide sometimes.
#Depression #Burden #Divorce #Heartache #anger #confused #lostsoul