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My heart hurts

I loved him with all of me.

Nearly 2 years.

I am not ok. I swing from sobbing to dissociating. Losing hours at a time. My eyes are swollen, my cheeks raw.

An out of the blue message that they weren't happy and then nothing. Silence.

I sent a message, asking to talk about it. More silence.

I feel like I'm breaking apart inside.

All the BPD bits are screaming and sobbing and begging 'please, please, please don't leave us. Please stay.'

So I breathe. I ordered dinner, because I know I need to feed the mind if I want it to work and whoo boy I definitely need it to work. I drink water, because I know a migraine will come if I don't. I sleep early now, because I know I need rest. Some of it's done on auto pilot. Some of it's intentional being gentle with the self.

All the therapy and work I've done to control my BPD, all of it is working. Sometimes in the background, sometimes through the sobbing.

I'm not self-destructing. I want to, but I'm not.

I'm not planning my death. Those parts of me really want to, but I'm not.

I'm trying to focus on little things. Wash the dish. Feed the cat. Breathe. Drink the water. Take the medication that keeps me alive.

I'm trying so hard to be gentle with myself, so the BPD bits of me can't get hold of the steering wheel.

It hurts. It hurts so much. A dull ache that radiates down my arms, into my hands. I forget to breathe.

I just. I wanted to reach out into the void, and tell someone that my heart is broken. I feel so, so alone right now.

My person is gone.

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Depression #Heartache

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Unconditional Love

Gave it my all, but took a mighty fall,
Love's grip so tight, it claimed my soul's thrall.
Now my mind seeks solace for the void within,
Aching heart, searching for ways to begin.

Emptiness and darkness, pain's ceaseless rain,
A struggle to comprehend, accommodate, restrain.
Who knew a friendship could be so toxic and bleak,
Leaving my body anoxic, longing to seek

Survival, I found, by grace of the divine,
Hustling for a life where my spirit can finally shine.
No more hurt, no more tears to spill,
I won't neglect those who uplift and instill

Belief in me, true friends who stay,
Unyielding in love, even when skies turn gray.
Those who stand strong through life's hardest test,
They are the ones who deserve my best.

Pushing away those who truly care,
Leaves one gasping for air, lost and unaware.
I've been through it, and now it's your turn,
May you learn from mistakes and the bridges you burn.

But through it all, I'll still be there,
With abundant love and genuine care to share.
I know the pain of abandonment's sting,
But fear not, my support is no fleeting fling.

My heart is pure, my intentions sincere,
No prey to lure, no hidden agenda to adhere.
For humanity's sake, my mission's aim,
Fiery ambition runs deep in my veins.

Forgiveness and love, I choose to embrace,
No room for hatred, no enemy to chase.
So here's to the next chapter, the story's sequel,
Counting blessings, ensuring your path sees the sun's golden sheen.

No foes shall I keep, for all are equal,
Cheers to a life where compassion is fecal.
With open arms, I welcome what's in store,
A new journey awaits, and my heart's ready to explore.

#Friendship #Love #BestFriends #Toxic #Heartache #friendsfight #Itsokay #humanity #Acceptance #Hope #Positivity #Forgiveness #Healing

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#Sorry I have been away a few days. Here is my new #Furbaby !!!!

I felt it was best to refrain from posting these past few days. I was very #sad , #confused , & #hopeless due to my heartwrenching experience at the shelter I went about a week ago. I was even #Feeling like there might very well be a #Curse on me & my life. I pretty much believed that any & every thing I might & would do or try to do, was destined to be #tradgedy & cause me more #Heartache . To put it honestly, day to day was kinda "touch-and-go" moreso than ever. Recently, it came to a head, and I honestly felt that i had no idea if I'd be around to see the next day. But today, I brought home a new #Cat . He was the best cat there at PSPCA. (Pennsylvania SPCA. ) health-wise, age-wise, & he is calm with a #wonderful temperament. He is asleep on the couch with me right now. I like it at cold temps, but I not want him to get sick. He doesn't (yet) seem to feel ok about having a blanket over him, for warmth, but then again, he is just getting to know & has to have a bit of time to learn he can #Trust me. Anyways, I am keeping my leg against him for him to have my body warmth. I am SO pleased the way the day turned out. Had some very rough spots there, but it ended up not getting the best of the situation#. I have my baby! His name is what I consider extremely anti - #Christian . I don't even like to say or write it. I have been calling him "Baby" when I talk to or call for him. Still, I'm taking my time about giving him his permanent official name !!!



Grief is like a yo-yo game. Some days it rips you apart and brings you to your knees in tears. Other days it makes you so mad that you want to get revenge on the person that did you so wrong. Then there are moments when you feel nothing at all. Numbness. Silence. You wonder if this is normal or is this only something you experience. You can have the biggest support system in the world, the most loving family and friends, yet nothing seems to work.

My grief comes from my relationship with my boyfriend. This is the first relationship I have ever been in and we have been together for almost a year. Over the past two months I have noticed things in him that did not sit well with me. One day he ignored me on our walk home because I wanted to bring meat into his apparentment (he is a Jain and is against eating meat, the harming of animals, and having meat in his space). He ignored me the whole walk home which made me feel like a child who was being repremended by their parent. Then the other night I found out that he had one of his friends over ( who happens to be a girl) and he hid this from me and then lied about it (after I confronted him). The grief comes from what I thought our future would look like. We talked about moving in together and what our lives would be like travelling and loving life. Now that is not the case and I mourn what I expected to happen. The thing is I questioned my relationship with him sometimes even during the relationship, I did see some red flags but I never thought anything of it. The sex wasn’t that great and I honestly did not look forward to it (I actually didn’t enjoy it during the action). What I did enjoy was the company, the companionship, the attention, the love that I know he gave me and had for me. I miss having someone I can tell anything too, cuddle with, laugh with, and have fun with. I miss the friendship the most and am afraid that will be lost if we break up. But I also know I don’t like the person I have become in certain triggering situations. Anyone else been in situations where they are having a hard time deciding. #Grief #relationship #Love #Heartache #partnership

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Prayers please #ServiceDog

I was given the news on Friday, March 4 that my sweetest companion has days to live. My heart is broken in a million pieces.
If you pray, please pray for my companion. If you could send good vibes that would be awesome. I’m praying that she will pass peacefully here at my home. We have been inseparable for many years. You can imagine the absolute devastation I am going through. I pray I can keep her comfortable. I need your thoughts and prayers to be strong for her. #prayers #Heartache #Broken #PTSD #Anxiety #TBI #BrainInjury #lost


You told me

You told me
You loved me
But your words
Got me trapped in your misery

You told me
You wouldn't hurt me
But for 20 years
Your actions wounded me

You said you wouldn't tell me
What to do
But your words
Deceived me

You told me
You know what's best for me
But your words
Did the damage

You told me
I'm your best friend
But your words
Showed me who you are

You played the victim
When you thought
You were good
You used your kids against me
When you said you never would #WritingThroughIt #Writing #Depression #Heartache #Pain


What should I Do?

What should I do
If all I am is a failure?
What should I do
If all you do is leave?

What should I do
With every breath
I take
It hurts
What do I do
If you hide how you feel?
What should I do
If you broke me in two #Depression #heartbreak #Heartache


Burning Through chances

Do you know
I'm in so much pain?
Do you know
What it will gain?
If my eyes
Is filled with rain
I'm running out of chances
For you it's burning through
Because there's no chances
To become true #Depression #Heartache #Pain

1 comment

You used to be my Heart

You used to be my heart and soul
That made me smile
You are the breath
I couldn't wait to take
You were the one
I didn't want my heart to break
I didn't want your love to be fake

Now it feels like my hearts been stabbed
It feels like I'm slowly dying
Even though I'm always trying
Everyone knows I'm always lying #Depression #heartbreak #Heartache