My heart hurts
I loved him with all of me.
Nearly 2 years.
I am not ok. I swing from sobbing to dissociating. Losing hours at a time. My eyes are swollen, my cheeks raw.
An out of the blue message that they weren't happy and then nothing. Silence.
I sent a message, asking to talk about it. More silence.
I feel like I'm breaking apart inside.
All the BPD bits are screaming and sobbing and begging 'please, please, please don't leave us. Please stay.'
So I breathe. I ordered dinner, because I know I need to feed the mind if I want it to work and whoo boy I definitely need it to work. I drink water, because I know a migraine will come if I don't. I sleep early now, because I know I need rest. Some of it's done on auto pilot. Some of it's intentional being gentle with the self.
All the therapy and work I've done to control my BPD, all of it is working. Sometimes in the background, sometimes through the sobbing.
I'm not self-destructing. I want to, but I'm not.
I'm not planning my death. Those parts of me really want to, but I'm not.
I'm trying to focus on little things. Wash the dish. Feed the cat. Breathe. Drink the water. Take the medication that keeps me alive.
I'm trying so hard to be gentle with myself, so the BPD bits of me can't get hold of the steering wheel.
It hurts. It hurts so much. A dull ache that radiates down my arms, into my hands. I forget to breathe.
I just. I wanted to reach out into the void, and tell someone that my heart is broken. I feel so, so alone right now.
My person is gone.