givingup

Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy that I’m recovering from trauma and that I’m getting better and metter at managing the symptoms, but what’s done is done you know? And I won’t be getting back the time I lost battling my own brain. And that sucks. And makes me mad. And also makes me feel like maybe I’m not worth what I think I am.

I always dreamt of being a doctor. Psychiatry was my dream, how ironic is that?
But I would have loved to be a surgeon as well and work with Doctors Without Borders cause I just love helping people that no one else is willing to help. Because nobody should be in the position of not having anyone to back them up. Nobody should be in the position of being helpless and alone. Nobody should be in the position of not being given a chance. Whether it’s because of money, race, sexuality or anything else.

But then I found myself in that position. Or at least I thought I was. And I had to fight my mind to understand that wasn’t the case. But as I graduated high school I was not in my right mind and I most certainly didn’t have the strength to face uni. So I thought “okay I’m one year ahead anyway, I can lose a year of med school”. But then a year passed and I didn’t feel ready yet, so I chose another faculty. I gave up.

I do like what I’m doing, I do think I will find my spot and enjoy my career, whatever that will be. But I’m never gonna be a doctor. And I hate it. I could go into med school now, yes, but I won’t cause if there’s something that I hate more than not achieving what I want is achieving it after others. So I can’t stand the idea of becoming a doctor at 32 at best (where I live med school is 6 years + 4 to specialize). Also my parents aren’t getting any younger, my father is 70 and retiring in October, my mum is 60, so I can’t put the pressure on them to financially support me till I’m 32. I just can’t.

Problem is every time I’m at at hospital, every time I see something even remotely related to doctors, I’m reminded of my “failure”. Worst part is both my parents are doctors and my older sister is in med school.
Would be kinda funny to see from outside I suppose.
So yeah, I’m proud of myself for overcoming my problems and getting better, but all my life, every time I’m working, or anytime I see my parents and/or my big sister, every time I enter a hospital, every time someone I meet tells me they are a doctor, I will be reminded that I am not.

And I hate it.
#MentalHealth #Recovery #dreams #Medicine #givingup

I use to think I already have felt the worse possible pain from my abusive childhood. Grew up in a cult. My Father sexually assaulted me for yrs, and my mother knew and never stopped. She Intern blamed me, hated me. So what could cause worse life long issues and pain?....Losing my husband. He was my anchor and my foundation. He is the one person who said he'd never leave me. And now he's left. Yes ik it's not his fault, but this pain that I now carry with me is worse. Ik this pain will always be with me for the rest of my life. Ik I have to figure out my own way to live with this darkness surrounding me. My whole life I've carried this darkness. My husband was the one that helped me to carry part of it. And I helped carry him when needed.
And now as I lay here crying my eyes out, trying not to wake my son, I can't help to not wonder, what's the point? Why are we allowed to make deep connections and feel truly loved, only to have it taken away every time? I'm not very religious. And if there's nothing after we die, then what's the point? How much longer am I going to have to carry the weight of all this pain and darkness that life keeps giving me? I'm so tired of people saying give it time, or it'll get better, easier. Or don't worry about that, just focus on now. My whole life has been trauma after trauma, pretty fucking sure I've tried everything to "let it go, move on, choose to be happy." My soul is so tired and bitter...#Grief #Widow #Broken #ChronicPain #lostsoul #givingup i

I am new to here but I just wanted to vent and not keep my feelings bottled up. I feel myself slipping back into a depression although I am trying not to. I feel isolated and alone and not sure what I am going to do with my life. Lately the energy in my family has been given to my cousin's upcoming wedding and I feel left out and uncared for. I don't care for his fiance and it's difficult pretending to care about there wedding knowing I've been excluded at every opportunity. I have to push myself away from them for my sanity but the constant reminders about their event just reminds me about how excluded I feel. Trying to stay positive but no lie it's killing me inside.
#Depression #givingup

That confusing feeling wanting to live life and also feeling like I just want to give it all up.

#confused #sad #MentalHealth #givingup #moody #anxious #Life

The the last couple of months, most of my dreams have portrayed my innermost thoughts and fears. Everything from being abandoned by others, being unable to speak up when in trouble, even shouting terrible things just before waking up. I’ve spoken to my therapist about all of these things, and yesterday I cried during the whole session. I finally opened up about how felt small when it came to my mom and that in my last dream the last thing that she said to me was that I was a disappointment. The thing about this is that she never said this outside. I remember having a dream years ago and the last thing that I said to her before waking up was that I hated her. I think the worst thing is that I never felt that I was enough. I never felt that I did enough even if I did get praise. I feel like I have a gaping hole that just can’t be filled no matter what I do. Love can’t even fill this space. At the moment I feel empty inside... I honestly don’t feel a thing. Maybe I cried everything out, but this kind of emptiness is different from the past times I’ve felt this way. I brought up to my therapist that with all of my experiences has caused me to feel that I am a waste of space and that I don’t deserve to be here. I’ve just about given up at this point, I’m very tired. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #imtired #givingup #EmptyInside

Hi,
Just got done with my psych evaluations and I just don't feel good over all. Am I losing my mind? currently curled up in my favorite blanket and crying. #givingup . I just want it all to stop.

As I try to exist every time someone mentions my ex wife name it feels like a part of me dies every time I am never going to get over her I have to realize that plus with all this stress and anxiety and depression I’m nothing and never will be again I can’t do this anymore I’m tired of suffering and struggling I don’t know what to do putting me in the hospital isn’t going to help anything I am just doomed to suffer forever

I’m so tired of fighting. Tired of living. Tired of being me. I’m a good person. I don’t deserve to feel this way but here I am. Drinking away my sorrows even though I know it’ll just hit me even harder when I sober up. Trying to numb. #BPD #numb #sad #MentalIllness #MentalHealth #Depression #givingup

Whenever I do something independently, I do pretty well. It whenever I do said thing with my mom who has to say something that ends with her yelling, I get nervous and frustrated. I drove to work for the first time last night, overall, I did well. The only thing was she had a lot to say in between turns or looking out for things that I was already aware of. Whenever things like this happen, I always feel that in more ways than one that what I do isn’t enough. I also feel that I am not enough in the eyes of my mother. It may not be true, but that is how I feel and have always felt. I feel like I can’t do anything right in her eyes. I seriously thought about giving up after getting out of the car to go to work. I felt sick for the first half of work, but with the help of my coworkers, who often make me laugh and give me a reason to keep going, I was able to get through the night. It’s funny how she was the one who taught me how to speak up for myself, but I could never express myself to her because I know that it would end with me in tears, trying to compose myself into numbness, or get shot down in some way to remind me that things seem to come easier to others than to me. There are good moments, but these hurt the most. I know that I have a lot of growing up to do as an adult, as I woman, because in some way I feel like I’m under her thumb. I can honestly say that I have hated my mom, even as a child, I vividly remember feeling a lot of anger that I couldn’t put into words. I wanted nothing to do with her at some points at a young age. There were things that have happened, I do have holes in my memory from childhood, but the things that I do remember have made me anxious or near tears. It’s almost as if it were yesterday, or sometimes I can still feel the effects of this moments physically. My therapist was right about my having PTSD. I’ve always kept my feelings to myself from a young age into my adulthood because I felt that my real feelings would get me in trouble or that in some way that they weren’t important. It’s one of the reasons why I’ve been living in survival mode for so long. It’s why I see myself as a bad person that tidies not deserve anything good. Itywhy I shy away from the normal things that everyone wants like feeling loved by someone because I felt like I wasn’t good enough to have that. On top of that, I’ve had to be strong for other people, I’ve carried a lot of guilt. I’ve even done a lot of “mothering”, this also includes me mothering my friends. I never pursued relationships with men my age because I felt I wasn’t good enough to have a relationship. As much as I love men, to allow myself to be vulnerable with them feels next to impossible. I know that I have to work hard to heal, and I want to. I just wish I didn’t have to sacrifice myself over and over again and hate myself for even existing. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #PTSD #givingup