Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy that I’m recovering from trauma and that I’m getting better and metter at managing the symptoms, but what’s done is done you know? And I won’t be getting back the time I lost battling my own brain. And that sucks. And makes me mad. And also makes me feel like maybe I’m not worth what I think I am.
I always dreamt of being a doctor. Psychiatry was my dream, how ironic is that?
But I would have loved to be a surgeon as well and work with Doctors Without Borders cause I just love helping people that no one else is willing to help. Because nobody should be in the position of not having anyone to back them up. Nobody should be in the position of being helpless and alone. Nobody should be in the position of not being given a chance. Whether it’s because of money, race, sexuality or anything else.
But then I found myself in that position. Or at least I thought I was. And I had to fight my mind to understand that wasn’t the case. But as I graduated high school I was not in my right mind and I most certainly didn’t have the strength to face uni. So I thought “okay I’m one year ahead anyway, I can lose a year of med school”. But then a year passed and I didn’t feel ready yet, so I chose another faculty. I gave up.
I do like what I’m doing, I do think I will find my spot and enjoy my career, whatever that will be. But I’m never gonna be a doctor. And I hate it. I could go into med school now, yes, but I won’t cause if there’s something that I hate more than not achieving what I want is achieving it after others. So I can’t stand the idea of becoming a doctor at 32 at best (where I live med school is 6 years + 4 to specialize). Also my parents aren’t getting any younger, my father is 70 and retiring in October, my mum is 60, so I can’t put the pressure on them to financially support me till I’m 32. I just can’t.
Problem is every time I’m at at hospital, every time I see something even remotely related to doctors, I’m reminded of my “failure”. Worst part is both my parents are doctors and my older sister is in med school.
Would be kinda funny to see from outside I suppose.
So yeah, I’m proud of myself for overcoming my problems and getting better, but all my life, every time I’m working, or anytime I see my parents and/or my big sister, every time I enter a hospital, every time someone I meet tells me they are a doctor, I will be reminded that I am not.
And I hate it.
#MentalHealth #Recovery #dreams #Medicine #givingup