Burden

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    I feel so dead inside #Depression

    I am so #confused , I function well but yet I am struggling. I get up go work come home get into bed that’s my life I can’t handle or face anything. I feel so #alone and a #Burden to everyone, certain thoughts are appearing but I won’t, my mind won’t rest and I don’t know what about my jaw hurts from clenching my teeth. What is wrong with me? I just wish someone would help me, like seriously I don’t know what to do.

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    This group is all I have. Thank you so much everyone for their understanding and support. #Fibromyalgia #warrior #ChronicIllness #Burden #Guilt #ChronicDepression

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    was just considering a few thoughts of mine || I write a lot...

    I'll start with an example. I have a friend who, sometimes, tends to ghost me when we were planning to go out and reappears again when it's late to meet, because for our schedules we can't.

    There are people who tells me to just tell her that this behaviour isn't too nice, but I don't. She just comes back saying she's sorry, she did something else and ended up not being free to go out with me.

    The point is that, to me, it's okay.

    I don't see it as remissive, because we have known each other for a very long time and, even though we aren't the first person we go to when we're facing some hardships, we know that, for each other, we stay.

    I often tell her that I'm not going to change my mind about her just because she disappears. (Because I don't. I still love her the same).

    Also, true is I do have my flaws(?) too, as sometimes it can take me ages to reply to messages, when we don't see each other for long periods of time and are apart. She still considers me a friend and I do too with her because, after all that's happened - even if at some point I did wonder if it wasn't just out of convenience (now I feel it isn't) - we stayed.

    But a few days ago a thought occured. The circumstance was similar and a part of me was feeling like "oh, yeah, here it goes again. I have an opinion and wanted to go out, but I just say - no problem, it's okay, we can meet another time :) - being reassuring, because it truly is okay and I don't want the other person to feel guilty. These are not real hardships, just details and as long as we have time we surely can meet in another moment, though the feeling in me is battling from - it's okay - to - just make it be okay".

    And then I thought: "Hey. What are you even thinking about? Why you dare feeling this way? You have someone who may eventually go out with you and who you can go out with. There's someone - and someone you treasure and someone who cares for you. That's more that you've ever had and thought you could have had. Why are you even trying to feel dissatisfied? Just be humble, bro, and take what the opportunity you have been given brings you".

    It actually made my mind and heart agree - it's okay and I'm happy and satisfied with it and we can do it as you'd like to - but I'm not sure whether my whole approach is positive.

    "If you decide all is well" -

    It sounds remissive. And people who knows me know that I tend to be something that resemble submissiveness.

    "Oh, I don't really care, you can decide for both, to me anything is okay" along with a smile that I try to make clearly reassuring.

    But I act like this because I truly feel it. To me it's okay.

    I don't bother about the details; I can go along with almost everything and will say it, idealistically, if something doesn't fit me. I don't want to impose my choice when I don't really care about it. I do care about the fact that we're here, together, doing something, but if I choose what to do, what to talk about, what to listen to, what to eat, where to go, when and how to do it I feel bad. My mind is suddenly filled with insecurity, and an uncomfortable feeling, which eventually triggers a loop of "they're asking you to take a position, you don't want to, you're pushing them to take a position for both, you're bad because you're letting them choose for both and maybe they don't want to, maybe it weights on them, you're being submissive, you're being a burden, you should take position, I've become silent, I feel insecure and whatever I do and say is a reason to attack myself so it's better if I keep myself quiet, but this actually worsen the situation, so I should take position or at least act like always, take myself out of it and hide the insecurity I'm made of right now, a choice is just a choice, they can speak if they're not for it, I hope they'll do it and won't go along with my choice if they don't like it, just because they're making an effort for me. so I just make sure they're aware they do have to speak sincerely. Or else my inner self is going to rip off". And it makes me feel so guilty, extra, bothersome, burdensome that I do really wanna avoid it, also because often it triggers deeper crisis.

    So I'm trying to understand this feeling better (I already have my interpretations and they're quite evident) and trying to lessen the negative effect it has on me.

    But I do really care - and a lot - about other people not feeling guilty or as they're imposing themselves when I know they're not the type (I'm not speaking of 'anyone' - I should define better where the border lays, so here's another task) or simply when I know how feelings like these can weight. After all, aren't them just all mere choices about details, when what matters is where they feature, what they're part of, where they manifest themselves and, since to me almost anything is okay, why should I make a fuss out of other people's behaviours or choices, preferences (when they're not harmful) when they respect me and show they care for me and I feel respected and cared for.

    So to me anything is okay. But don't make me take the choice.

    So - I'm just thinking.

    (Thank you if you have read til here 😊)

    🌚

    #submissive #remissive #Burden #Choice #insecurity

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    Broken

    I feel like a million broken pieces that should be held together by superglue but are barely being held together by a cocktail of pharmaceuticals. Part of my “success” is holding it together being strong and making it to the next day but that seems to get harder and harder. I feel like a burden on my support people I feel like I’m failing at adulthood I feel like I’m losing this battle. #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #ChronicDepression #Burden

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    Things I hear daily from my own family😆

    "What did even you do the whole day? Huh?"
    " Don't you get tired of just laying in the bed?"
    " We can't just sit idle like you. Idk how you do that 😆"
    "Why are you so lazy? "
    "Why are you not doing any job? Your father is an old man now. Don't you think about him? "
    "As you are free and sit idly everytime, why don't you just be the nanny of the child and I'll pay you for that? " ( i hate to babysit)
    "So how is staying at home all the day? I just can't imagine what it is like to live like you😆"
    "You think so negatively. You are a pessimist."
    "Sleeping queen. Ungrateful child"
    "You are a financial burden to me. You are the cause of the most of the expenses in this house"
    " You don't need to study further. It's enough."
    "Why did God give me a daughter like you? "
    .
    .
    (and the list goes on)

    #Anxiety #Depression #coward #useless #Burden

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    I am clueless.

    My family wants me to do job and leaves no chance to remind me that i am still unemployed. I promise I am trying but I have got no skills or outstanding cgpa on the basis of which i could get a job.
    My family openly says that I am a burden to them. (and I actually am)
    I am ashamed of myself for being such a useless person.
    I don't know what to do. I am clueless. Truely. #Suicide #Burden

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    You Are Not A Burden #Burden

    Do you ever think that you’re a burden because you feel like you feel a certain way? Maybe you feel like you're a burden because you have anxiety. Maybe you feel like a burden because you feel sad or depressed. Or maybe you feel like a burden because you feel like you need a lot of reassurance or you feel like a burden because you need help with certain things.

    I’m here to tell you that YOU ARE NOT A BURDEN for feeling the way you do. It just means that you’re human.

    I can’t count how many times I felt this way. You’re allowed to feel whatever you feel without feeling guilty. #Depression #Sadness #Anxiety #AnxietyAttack

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    Getting out of my own mind

    I have struggled with this my whole life. Things like actions take time for me to take, sometimes I end up not taking actions at all because I am paralyzed by fear and things of that nature. Sometimes I do not truly say how I feel because growing up we are taught to keep things to ourselves. It almost felt that as a kid I understood something that kids should not. That you are a dollar sign, that you cost money. that things cost money. I have tried to push this down mentally in my mind. But it just now came to the surface, which has literally painted a fog over my whole life, it made me feel like a burden. It made me want to be so far in my head as to not be a waste, a burden to anyone else. I want to not do that anymore, I understand now the value of life and the reasoning for having a child. I understand the feelings and the love that come from birth, I understand what it means to grow as a person. For some reason, this has helped me a lot #Depresion #Burden #Selfblame

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    I Don’t Want To Be A Burden…

    Who else is like this?

    #MentalHealth #Depression #PTSD #ChronicIllness #Diabetes #DiabetesType2 #DiabetesType1 #Burden

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    Alone #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Anxiety #CPTSD #FeelingAlone

    What do you do when you feel like the only person to understand and support you is your therapist? I have parents who love me but are elderly and my mom has early signs of dementia. I have three siblings who tell me mental illness is uncomfortable to talk about and that is why they don’t reply when I reach out. I separated from my husband in May, he told me the day after coming home from a ten day psych hospital stay that I wasn’t “keeping my promises” about doing better. I have seven children, three of whom are adults, two of them stopped speaking to me saying I’m faking for attention. One I’m currently staying with and she understands some yet I don’t want to be her burden. I have three close friends, one whom I cannot easily contact. The other two tend to panic or try to “fix” things, I know their intentions are good and it also isn’t helpful. Then again who wants to hear about my latest breakdown? I feel like a burden because I’m in crisis or struggling so often. I’ve spent the past two days in bed. I didn’t eat until about an hour ago and have been crying non stop for almost the same amount of time. I feel so alone. I’ve emailed my therapist twice today, twice yesterday. He allows that and understands sometimes it’s just to vent as he knows my support circle is small. How do you talk to friends and family? How do you open up to them when you are struggling, especially when to them it’s probably like “Here we go again!”! I hate mental illness! Right now I hate myself too! I hate being so needy and sensitive, so emotional! Just how many times can one person cry on someone’s shoulder before it gets old? I text the crisis text line a lot, I feel like too much. Someone else may need the time I’m taking up. Yet in those moments I truly and overwhelmed and lonely and scared and in pain. I’m always in pain. I had been hoarding pills I don’t take anymore, a backup plan if you will a plan with no specific timing. I told my therapist yesterday as I felt guilty about it, I promised to get rid of at least one bottle of pills. They’re still sitting there on my table at the end of my bed. I couldn’t get out of my bed much less leave the apartment. Now they’re taunting me. Tomorrow’s my daughter’s 15th birthday, I can’t do that to her. I ruined it last year by being on the psych floor and coming home that day. I don’t really want to die, I just don’t want to keep going like this. I don’t want to keep either feeling like a burden or struggling alone. I’m tired of hurting. I’m tired of struggling and I’m tired of feeling so alone and desperate. #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Depression #Anxiety #CPTSD #Trauma #Lonliness #nooneunderstands #emotionalpain #SuicidalThoughts #Burden #struggle #tired #CharcotMarieToothDisease #IrritableBowelSyndromeIBS