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Saw my Psychistrist who prescribes my Psych meds. They have gotten some of my dissociation lessened and had some results with my anxiety and RMDD. My mood swings from happy to numb to sad still continue and sudden drops are still ongoing and "concerning" though. (scary AF to me)
So it's Mixed Bipolar Disorder symptoms, and they asked me if I wanted to start on yet another med to help equalize me. Lamotrigen. I just picked it up and it's sitting on the table in front of me. I'm on so many fucking meds at this point, and the list keeps growing, and sometimes they can ramp up my ADHD.
Sooooo..... I'm scared of taking another med and what it will fo to my brain with the cocktail it's already on and that I worry as well. I'm scared of myself and scared of the sudden depression and drops into self loathing and the ideations that either ssaunter on in like the own the place or ambush me.
It would be nice to take a bath again without being scared of it turning into Ideation and becoming an emotional and mental struggle.
Walk through the kitchen without eyeballing the knives, cook without fear of "accidentally" cutting or burning myself.
Cross a bridge without stopping to look over the edge, and not because I'm enjoying the view or thinking of bungie jumping, base jumping, or cliff diving. Without wondering how deep, cold, and dark the water is.
Or hell IDK maybe cuddle with someone, be intimate, pet the cat, enjoy a joyful moment without worrying about fatalism cock blocking.
But I also don't want to be numb, be a zombie, lose parts or all of myself, become someone else, short circuit my brain, or otherwise make things worse. #biploar #BipolarDepression #BipolarDisorder #MixedBipolar #Depression #SocialAnxiety #SuicidalIdeation #ChronicPain #ADHD #medicationsideeffects #Lamotrigine #medications #Medicationstruggle

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Having #MixedBipolar is rough

I can’t believe who I was earlier today. It made me sick to my stomach but I couldn’t stop. The voice that usually stops me from doing harmful things was almost on silent, like a faint whisper. I just kept going and wanting more stimulation. I’ve been aching for some sort of stimulation from life for the past month or so, maybe that’s why I went so hard.

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I need to get out #Isolation #MixedBipolar

I isolate.
While I think staying in my apartment and away from everyone will make me feel better. Yeah, no.

I need to get out in the morning. My whole day will be different...better. As the minutes pass so does my change to open and step through my front door.

Yes. Outside is scary. Staying inside with my brain is scarier.

Today, I did get out. I came to work.
I felt the wind and squinted my eyes for the sun.

Today is a good day.
Tomorrow...I will need to get out again. #Isolation #MixedBipolar #BipolarDisorder