morethandepression

Yesterday, I decided to rearrange my room after a #DepressiveEpisode of about a week. Yesterday, when I woke up, I had energy, motivation, determination. This scared me. Still is because I did the same thing today. Woke up, put up laundry, made coffee, and the days just begun.

Why am I scared of productivity?
Perhaps it's because I'm only used to being productive when I'm #Manic . That worries me because I know i need to keep up the pace or at least keep taking one step forward in spite of my #Depression .

However, i have to remember that thats not always the case. Sometimes sure, but sometimes it's just because I've been taking better care of myself. It may be because of the little steps I've taken that has helped me get to this point. Perhaps it's simply because I haven't forgotten my meds in a while. Regardless of the why, I have to remind myself that I have the gas in the tank to go at least a mile today. That the energy I have won't be wasted on facebook or the like. That mentally, I'm #Stronger than I've ever been.

So, for #today , I will be kind to myself. I will alow myself to work AND rest as I can. I will be strong. #strongerthandepression and #StrongerThanBipolar . I will remember just who I am and fall in love with myself over and over again until it becomes habitual. I will remember that I am #morethandepression and #morethanbipolar . I am worthy of a tidy space to live. I am worthy of the love I give. #iamworthy

My brain has global warming.
Seasonable temps, with gradual variations were the norm. Not to say there were no heat waves or cold snaps once in a blue moon. Expected natural and climatological events - goofy naughty El Nino, Alberta clippers. Manageable "disasters" featuring cheerful local newscasters with their cartoon graphics of snow amounts, and thermometers blowing their tops with red and Mr. Sun sporting Ray Bans and a Disney grin. Neighborhoods of Dougs and Jeffs wake at dawn, feining annoyance, filled with excitement to snowblow their whole block, decked out in their coveralls, with a head nod to everyone they see. Frosted beards and mustaches can't hide the little boy inside gleeful to play, forgetting the aches that follow that evening. Summer afternoons with youth groups on corners handing out bottled water excitedly to passersby. Radio DJs prattle on about heat indexes and blast Beach Boys tunes. Surfin U.S.A., as rednecks in t shirts and jeans forgo "suntan lotion" and sweat out 18 hour days of outdoor labor, rehydrating with cases of shitty beer, anything as long as it's cold. Their skin cancer comes sooner and more aggressively than the Old Man's did.

Now, record highs set 3-4 times a month, during both the dark Decembers and July's torrential downpours, fields quenched to decimation. April blizzards bury everything under a heavy white shroud. The wet snow snapping trees and powerlines, collapsing roofs of hog sheds, and other assorted horrors. Januarys bring unending weeks of deadly attempts of extinction. -30 degree air killing those who tempt fate with cigarette breaks. Scores of invisible homeless die forgotten deaths. Country folks headed to town cross themselves as their vehicles engine lights turn on halfway there, and those who overestimate how many miles E leaves. Cell phones save lives! Sometimes....

We all know what this is, and that we are powerless. Nature will have It's way. So, pretend it's noble to carry on, absurdly ignoring the irregularities becoming the norm? Cling to our already rose-hued memories of winter, spring, summer, fall, it's so lovely we have all! Hasten dementia! Christmas sales in July, Back-to-School sales in May, Easter baskets of sleds and beach toys -fuck it hedge your bets, right Bunny?

Can we admit it's all too much? Allow ourselves to mutter, "tis nobler to concede" to our imaginary audience, and exit stage left of this empty theater?

#Misdiagnosed #medmanagement #morethandepression #Thoughts

Everyday #Mania

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