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No motivation #Depression

I was diagnostised with depression 2 years ago.
I have never been without energy and motivation for such a long time.
School is almost here and I should get involved in studying.
But not only in learning, but also in everyday simple things.
How not to be constantly tired and without energy?
I'm not sure if I'm in an episode right now, but I feel like I should pull myself together.
(Sorry English is not my native language) #Depression #DepressionNaps
#DepressiveEpisode #Noenergy

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Back again #Anxiety #Depression

It’s been over a year since I’ve been on this app. I actually accidentally just opened it. I’m actually happy about that. Just came out of a really bad depressive episode. Wish I’d remembered this app then. Although not sure what good it would’ve done as I was barely on my phone. Well, anyway, I’m back. Be sharing thoughts soon. Now… just trying to sleep. #DepressiveEpisode

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Everyday #Mania

Yesterday, I decided to rearrange my room after a #DepressiveEpisode of about a week. Yesterday, when I woke up, I had energy, motivation, determination. This scared me. Still is because I did the same thing today. Woke up, put up laundry, made coffee, and the days just begun.

Why am I scared of productivity?
Perhaps it's because I'm only used to being productive when I'm #Manic . That worries me because I know i need to keep up the pace or at least keep taking one step forward in spite of my #Depression .

However, i have to remember that thats not always the case. Sometimes sure, but sometimes it's just because I've been taking better care of myself. It may be because of the little steps I've taken that has helped me get to this point. Perhaps it's simply because I haven't forgotten my meds in a while. Regardless of the why, I have to remind myself that I have the gas in the tank to go at least a mile today. That the energy I have won't be wasted on facebook or the like. That mentally, I'm #Stronger than I've ever been.

So, for #today , I will be kind to myself. I will alow myself to work AND rest as I can. I will be strong. #strongerthandepression and #StrongerThanBipolar . I will remember just who I am and fall in love with myself over and over again until it becomes habitual. I will remember that I am #morethandepression and #morethanbipolar . I am worthy of a tidy space to live. I am worthy of the love I give. #iamworthy


It’s gone dark again

It’s gone dark again. Like a light has been switched off. But I should be used to it, shouldn’t I? With a diagnosis that stretches back 30 odd years, and many a “Major Depressive Episode” since, this should be a breeze by now. But the darkness is too dark! The sadness is too much. I can’t remember what all the therapists have said I should do. I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel and though my mind tells me it always (eventually!) stops, I just don’t see it. What am I supposed to do now? #Depression #BipolarDisorder #DepressiveEpisode


How long was your longest depressive episode?

10 months. 10 months of absolutely NO motivation to do anything, even shower. 10 months of not feeling ANY happiness, joy or pleasure. 10 months of NOT leaving the house. 10 months of constant persistent anxiety with NO relief. 10 months of dreading every minute of everyday except for sleep. 10 months of therapy that proves to be of no help. 10 months of taking and trying new meds, enduring horrible side effects all for them not to help. 10 months of fantasying my death because this is just too much to bare. 10 months of loneliness and a non existent support team. 10 months of holding on and just wishing, praying, hoping this will all end and I can feel human again. 10 months of the constant war in my mind. 10 months since I smiled. 10 months since I was a normal mother. 10 months since I’ve lived and not just survived.

Someone please tell me this will end soon. That I will recover and won’t forever be broken. I’ve not spoken to a single soul who has had it this bad for this long. I feel like I’m the only one and that I’m stuck like this forever…
#MajorDepressiveDisorder #generalizedanxiety #CPTSD #10Months #losinghope #DepressiveEpisode

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8 ways to “help” me during this very long depressive episode

I’ve had a few close family and friends ask what can they do to “help” me during this horrific depressive episode. I never know how to respond because it feels like nobody or anything can help in the moment. However while texting my mother last night I carefully gave it thought and told her how she could “help” me. She’s not been very supportive at all and needless to say I didn’t even get a response.

What’s on your list of “needs” from others while going through a depressive episode?

#help #Support #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Anxiety #DepressiveEpisode


A Depressive Episode

Lately (the last couple months) I've been caught, underneath the undertow of a depressive episode. I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 about a year ago while I was experiencing a severe manic episode. I've also been diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder and PTSD.
Today, almost every day, it feels like I'm sinking further and further into the deepest part of the ocean...I'm afraid of what I might find.
Writing seems to help quiet my dark thoughts, at least for a little bit, so I wrote a little poem below to try my best to capture my current state of mind and heart ❤️

"After Oz"

The fields of Kansas are burning.
Dorthey's rainbow has turned black and white.
The yellow brick road has been paved over.
Emerald city is gone from sight.
A magic city forgotten.
I dream in color no more.
No longer do I hear the blue birds sing,
Nor do I see them soar
#BipolarDisorder #DepressiveEpisode #Bipolar1Disorder #BipolarDepression #Anxiety #CPTSD #PTSD


My depressive episode has gotten even worse. I need support and encouragement that this isn’t going to last forever.

I’ve been in the worst depressive episode of my life since Thanksgiving. For the past couple weeks I felt I was making small progress. I was able to get out of bed, I was able to speak, eat, text, join this community (and thank God I did because you guys and one other friend is the ONLY support group I have) but for the past 6 days I’ve slid right back into an even deeper worse episode. How is that even possible? For 5 days straight I laid in bed in the dark and didn’t eat, only stayed hydrated. Today is day 6 and I’m going to try to eat later and it took every being in my body to get a shower and brush my teeth after a week. I have only been on my new meds for a month and recently went up to 20mg, I just wish it’d hurry and work! I feel like everything is impossible. I have no hope that things will ever get better. This is the longest episode I’ve ever been in. Do they normally last this long?? I just really need some encouragement that I will get better and this won’t last forever. I’m so tired of feeling dead inside. #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Anxiety #hopeless #NeedEncouragement #Supportme #DepressiveEpisode


Acceptance of My Now

CW: Depression/Suicide

Depression and Suicidal Ideation look and feel different on/for everyone.

This Covid period (last year+) has changed me in so many ways it was hard to keep track.

I’m sure that feeling is not uncommon these days.

I have so much good in my life. So much love and light.

I found myself in a strong, safe place to start working on a lot of my past in therapy (hey therapy is great and I think everyone and anyone would benefit from it).

Now I’m finding myself needing to pause and stop pushing forward so hard because I’m not okay.

After my surgery, my pain medication interacted with some other medication that I take and triggered a major depressive episode in my brain.

I didn’t catch it until I found myself thinking in ways I thought I had left in my past.

So I’m taking a breather. Catching up with my now. Accepting that it’s okay to go back and forth with how strong and not strong you feel.

It’s okay if you’re depressed or thinking about suicide. You’re not alone- even if you don’t have the right support around you.

Find it, because it does exist.

I’m not going to feel guilty for taking time off work or telling people “I just can’t today”. I’m not going to feel guilty for the emotions I’m experiencing.

I’m not going to feel guilty for distancing myself from people who don’t impact me in a positive way right now.

Not everyone understands these feelings. Not everyone can or is able to support someone with these feelings. And that’s okay.

Just do what you need to do to be okay. That’s what I’m doing.

All of my emotions and pain are valid. And so are yours.

This shouldn’t be so hard to talk about. If you’re struggling, talk about it. Find your support.

You shouldn’t have to feel ashamed.

I’m tired of people trying to shame other people for mental illness. Fuck off. This shit is normal. It sucks. It’s awful. I wish it didn’t exist. But it does- and it’s N O R M A L.

That’s my truth. So if I have been less responsive or willing to hang out/pleasant to be around, please forgive me. Be patient with me.

Be patient with your friends. You never know what’s going on.


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Patience and Knowledge Are My Best Resources

CW: Depression/Suicide

I took most of last week off work to spend some time reflecting and healing. I’ve been in the worst depressive episode I’ve had in a very long time- to the point where not living seemed like a better option.

I’m grateful for the strength and knowledge I’ve captured over time as it has allowed me to have the thoughts of “I don’t want to be here” and “it will get better, this isn’t forever” exist together in my mind without a battle for the last one standing.

I’m learning more and more how difficult acceptance is. Acceptance is hard to accomplish yet, powerful and peaceful when done.

This is not forever.
I am worth the work.
I deserve space in this world.
My feelings and thoughts are not wrong.
Each tomorrow is a win.

Say it to yourself. Write it down. Text/email it to yourself. Use a trusted friend to remind you. I’ll start:

This is not forever.
You are worth the work.
You deserve space in this world.
Your feelings and thoughts are not wrong.
Each tomorrow is a win.

The few days I took off didn’t cure me. Actually, there were times I felt it made things worse. The win is that I expressed a need for rest and took it. Because I am worth it and so are you.

Here’s to the journey of not just surviving, but living. 🥂

The brain does WILD things that you don’t always have control over. Listen to it and work to separate the doubts and traumas from the parts that are being suppressed. The work it hard but it’s always worth it.

You are always worth it. 🤍🖤


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