Yesterday, I decided to rearrange my room after a #DepressiveEpisode of about a week. Yesterday, when I woke up, I had energy, motivation, determination. This scared me. Still is because I did the same thing today. Woke up, put up laundry, made coffee, and the days just begun.
Why am I scared of productivity?
Perhaps it's because I'm only used to being productive when I'm #Manic . That worries me because I know i need to keep up the pace or at least keep taking one step forward in spite of my #Depression .
However, i have to remember that thats not always the case. Sometimes sure, but sometimes it's just because I've been taking better care of myself. It may be because of the little steps I've taken that has helped me get to this point. Perhaps it's simply because I haven't forgotten my meds in a while. Regardless of the why, I have to remind myself that I have the gas in the tank to go at least a mile today. That the energy I have won't be wasted on facebook or the like. That mentally, I'm #Stronger than I've ever been.
So, for #today , I will be kind to myself. I will alow myself to work AND rest as I can. I will be strong. #strongerthandepression and #StrongerThanBipolar . I will remember just who I am and fall in love with myself over and over again until it becomes habitual. I will remember that I am #morethandepression and #morethanbipolar . I am worthy of a tidy space to live. I am worthy of the love I give. #iamworthy
Feeling depressed, so time for some Behavioral Activation. Also, my feelings are not facts. Yes, I feel sad that my dad rejected me last year for Father’s Day and man does it play with my self-worth & feed the stupid suicide ideation. My self-worth does not come from my Dad, it comes from being made in the image of God. I am God’s daughter. I’m fighting the depression today! I am doing this for my future children, husband and because I love my sister and niece . They need me and I want to be there for them. Going to start my Monday Arm workout!! #CPTSD #conqueryourmind #BehavioralActivation #PunchDepression #f ***Depression#SuicideIdeation #coping #iamworthy #JMJ #CheerMeOn
I just heard another heartbreaking story of a woman #Relapsing , back to self-medicating with alcohol; for years family told her to “get sober for your kids!” Guilt of being a “bad mother “ and the fear of being judged as less than weighed heavily. After relapsing. family berated :“you love booze more than your kids!” Ouch! I remember the guilt, hurt, confusion and self-loathing I felt, years back, when “loved ones” hurled these thoughts at me.😓. Lots time & patience from dedicated health professionals taught me “#healthyselfishness , #whatselfcarelookslike #iamworthy . What a concept😀! Learning to love my self, first, priority#1 , will let me then learn how to love others!? Sign me up!
Just finished washing and storing my greens for the rest of my Detox week. Tried a new smoothie recipe with Romaine, Green Grapes, Avocado, and Ginger. Wonderful!😋 I like this one better than the Cucumber-Granny Smith Apple one I had yesterday! The Green Grape Smoothie was refreshingly hydrating.
I like what I see in the mirror...do you?
It's not my own reflection in this image, I have a few more wrinkles and crow's feet, and that's okay. I'm not 20 anymore. It took me years to be able to look myself in the mirror and say "I love you". Some days are easier than others, but you are deserving of love and being loved. The first step is loving yourself, even if you currently feel you can't. It took me 2 years to look myself in the eye and feel worthy. It might take you ten years or 2 months, but today is the day to start loving your amazing self!
#iamworthy #Loveyou #innerbeauty #Iloveyou #MentalHealthMonth #innercompassion #survivingtrauma #ucandounlimitedchange #CPTSD
I have had bad knees for a long time, and I am well aware that my weight is not conducive to relieving said pain. Things got really bad for me when I had to have emergency surgery to remove an infection that had been building up. I had to stay in the hospital for a month to get the infection under control, and I was not visited by the physical therapy team except for 3 times in a month, and for a total of less than 20 minutes. I had a month of physical therapy 5 days a week, and they did a great job, but my dilapidated muscles just couldn't support me without a walker. It was so painful that I barely ate, and was physically ill from the pain even if I didn't eat. It two months to finally get into a pain clinic, and then I met with a doctor who really shouldn't have a license. First appointment he did prescribe pain meds, and also gave me appetite suppressants and a referral to a bariatric clinic, even after I told him that I have an eating disorder. I'm a binge eater, and I've been working hard with a therapist who specializes in that arena. With this recovery, I don't have the appetite to binge, I barely eat as it is. I emailed her and she told me she was unequivocally against either the suppressants or the bariatric clinic. So I go back in, and when the conversation came around to the pills, I told him that on the advice of my therapist, who specializes in eating disorders, didn't think it was appropriate for my treatment. Then I told him that I'm barely eating right now, so a suppressant doesn't make a lot of sense. Now here comes the crazy part... He looks at me for a second and says "You don't look like you're starving. You can take the pills and drink water for 2-3 weeks without eating and you'll be fine". I was flabbergasted. I know that not eating sends the body into starvation mode, and when it finally gets nourishment, it stores it as fat. I told him that, and he told me not to worry about it, I had plenty of fat to feed my body. Then to add the final touch of shame, I told him I'd lost 60lbs in 3.5 months because of this, and he asked my current weight. I told him and he said there is no way I'm that light, how did I know my weight? I was so shocked that I did my urine test and walked out to my car and called my bestie. I started crying, and for the next hour and a half I couldn't stop. Then I got pissed, and I decided that I'm not going to let an ignorant doctor undo all the work I've been doing (my regular therapist was helping me on the phone). So I would rather live in pain than go to a doctor who counsels someone with an eating disorder to starve herself using appetite suppressants in order to lose weight for a knee replacement. I also left less than stellar reviews so that others don't fall into his false narrative either. Thanks for the read. #iamworthy #stopweightshame #quackquackdoc
This was a very hard week for me. So much frustration, exhaustion, and sadness with my teams. Even though it is expected, I cannot fix their pain.
Using empathy to understand and connect can leave me open to a lot of self-criticism about my self-worth. Hurt feelings drove my anger response. It took a minute to pull back from the reaction, but then I could witness my humanness.
My mind tells me lies. That I’m not worthy of love or connection because I get angry. My rage runs deep, but it also passes; like storm clouds on the wind.
Next steps? Embrace the anger with acceptance.
Please embrace all parts of who you are. Remember that you are beautiful, and are exactly where you are supposed to be on your path.
With love and light.
I am the only me.
There are some who are like me, but I am the only true me. The only one who can fully and completely understand me. Who can fully and completely love me.
And I am worthy of that love by the sheer right of birth. So I am obligated to offer that love to myself with openness and loving care.
Because I am strong. I am the only me to have made it this far; the only me to have survived my pain; the only me to have fought this fight.
I am the only me.
The Weary Warrior
Have you ever cried so much for so long that you ran out of tears? Did you even know that is possible? I sure do. Many others know this as well. When emotional and/or physical pain relentlessly overpower you day after day, you are left feeling helpless fighting against the undertow.
It's in those times you desperately want to scream out for help. You want to yell as loud as you can, “SOMEONE SAVE ME PLEASE!”. But every time you try the water rushes into your mouth and you can't speak. Once again, the panic sets in and it feels like you're drowning without any way to signal your desperate need for rescue.
So you just sit there staring blankly ahead into the world but not really focused on anything. Disconnected. And think to yourself, “I just want this to stop. I'm tired. I'm weary. I don't want to do this anymore. This hurts too much. Just breathe. This will pass.” along with a million other little thoughts like that.
It's almost impossible to feel true freedom when you're a prisoner of your own body and mind. An unwilling participant, at best, in a twisted game resembling something so diabolical only Stephen King could have designed. What a cruel twist of fate, to live in a country that is promoted as “the land of the free” while you're sitting there saying, “Yeah well, It's hard to feel free when your body is your prison cell”.
Some days, we will slay giants and dragons returning home victorious from battle; some days our victory is simply making it through the day. On those days;
my fellow Warriors.
You will fight again tomorrow
and the day after that
for the battle is not over
and there are more giants
for us to slay." #wearywarrior #ChronicPain #LymeDisease #ChronicIllness #Fibromyalgia #iamworthy #stillawarrioronharddays #mightypoetry #Depression #Anxiety #Bipolar #ChronicFatigue #cancersurvivor