I’ve spent the past year, especially the past 6 months, working hard on myself. I dealt with trauma I’d never addressed before. I did painful EMDR sessions. I allowed myself to feel my most painful feelings. I’ve cried. A lot. I was vulnerable and opened up about things I’d never opened up about. I was my real, authentic self and was loved and accepted that way. I had to actively work to literally retrain my brain. I’ve worked on challenging my negative thoughts and negative core beliefs. I’ve seen those beliefs that I held onto so strongly start to move and change. I have discovered who I am and what my values are and who I want to be. I have worked so hard, felt so much pain, I’ve taken a hard look at myself and addressed things I needed to in order to work on being a better person, and cried so many tears.
But it was all worth it.
The most amazing part of all of this is that I’m seeing all of that hard work pay off.
My life hasn’t gotten any easier, but I’m showing up differently. I’m responding to things in ways I never dreamed I could. I’m allowing myself to feel my feelings instead of pushing them down. I’m reaching out and processing things. I’m realizing my self-worth, setting boundaries, and standing up for myself. I’m pausing and really thinking so that I can respond, rather than react.
When I first started this journey, I’d have to argue with my negative thoughts and beliefs and remind myself how I wanted to respond to things and what I wanted to believe about myself. I had to reality check those negative thoughts. I had use opposite thought and force myself to try to believe what I was telling myself. I had to pause and say, “What is the story I’m telling myself? Is it accurate?”. I had to make a conscious effort in so many ways.
When things occur lately, and I watch myself naturally responding in the way I’ve been actively working so hard to do. It is an amazing feeling. I am literally seeing all of my hard work paying off. It is so rewarding. I’m becoming the person I want to be.
It has been an incredibly tough journey, but I am beyond grateful for it.
The work isn’t over. It’s never over. There are always ways to grow and evolve. But seeing progress is a great motivator to keep at it. It’s proof that I can change. I can be the person I want to be.
#Healing #growth #MentalIllness #CPTSD #PTSD #BPD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #DID #DissociativeIdentityDisorder #Anorexia #AnorexiaNervosa #ResidentialTreatment #Therapy #emdr #copingskills #oppositethought #Recovery