growth

It was years ago when I broke up with a person, with whom I had been strongly attached, that I was thrown into a state of deep depression. To this day, I remember the depression and feelings of worthlessness after this person left my life. For the longest time, I kept running my life with the belief they would come back until ultimately my life changed.

One of the hardest parts of the process of letting go was learning not to compare myself with the person who left. It took strength and time to learn not to look for them and to change my focus on someone or something else.

After about three years, with support from others, my life changed and this person became just a memory. If I had compared myself to how this person was doing through those three years, I would have never made it through the difficult process of letting go and finding my new self.

There is a lot of strength in letting go, but there is even more strength in learning not to compare. Change, that is, true change, almost always happens inwardly and over a long time.

A friend of mine used a great analogy that I would like to share. At one point in your life, you may have been the water in the glass that was full, but once you were placed in a bigger glass and no longer filled it to the top, you became disheartened. Nothing truly happened to you, but the cup became bigger so you have more ways and room to grow.

It is important not to become disheartened in times of growth because God uses those times to groom, shape, mold, reveal, heal, and enlighten you. Be thankful that you now have a bigger glass to fill, and be thankful that you don’t have to compare your glass to the glass that is next to you #growth #Relationships #Memories

There are times when what has been becomes suddenly much more real then usual.
Not as a flashback - they're definitely different - but more like a realization that what's in my memories, in my patterns, in my body and mind has really happened, some time ago in my life.

What surprises me the most is:
I'm not fine, even though I'm better than in previous months and years, but, the hell, compared to before it's like I'm in Heaven.

It doesn't bring me the positivity and mood switch I might expect, it weights the same, most of the times, but it surely helps me redimensioning the whole picture.
I'm grateful, overall, for one thing: now, when I have my crisis, they're still bad and, sometimes, worse than other times years ago, BUT they're crisis: they happen from time to time. (I'm not talking about being on low mood; to me, before, it was much more than that: tentacles slipping out of my head trying to choke me and smash anything inside and around me).
I can feel my mind clean, and, yup, I'm now crying, all of a sudden.

I'd never wanna go back to before.

A week ago I was writing a post I've never shared and, when recalling the bad effects the thing I was talking about had on me, I realized the list was very very long and very very painful and messy.
What makes it often difficult for me to comprehend my patterns and problems is that I tend to hide them, and then forget about them, over the years.

Thing is, there has been terror.
I don't wanna include the details, because I'm aware that for someone they could be not nice.

I shared this picture (search for Riftress on Pinterest, if you're interest - I really like these works) because it is one of the pics I saved back then.
Something have sucked up my own self from my life and I think it was the exhaustion from that period.

Crying helps me too.
If now I'm crying, it means it really has been hard.
Since I tend to hide and minimize, since people shared their issues with me and rarely listened to me, always ignored the signals I was pointing out and since things for me often changed - environmentally speaking - I tend to forget.
To me, now, it feels like I'm based on a void past.
It doesn't mean I'd wanna linger on it: just that in order to understand why I am the way I am today I need to recall.

Times like this one, though, makes me wanna go back that before and erase everything. Why it had to be so damageful.
Again, though, I tend to hide: none really witnessed in person any free expression of my mental state, so, then, it feel more righteous to minimize it. This confuses me.

Though I think it's not fair to compair: the same trauma can have different outcomes on different people; that's why I think crying is helpful -> it spots out the fact that what I'm feeling and thinking about - recalling - has really been a hardship for me.

But it seems impossible that all the dark lump has really left. Did it?
Instead of feeling and expressing itself in dark and full of --- ways*, my mind's just flat. That's the new pattern, I guess.
I've been backfired.
* I don't really feel at ease sharing details, again, but I don't know how to express it.

I still have issues to work on, sometimes - often - I just can take my mind anymore, I often have no energy to live my life, but sure it changed. Time heals.
And I've understood myself and other people better, in the meanwhile, which has been another fundamental turning point.
And I can't express how grateful I am whenever I get to become more aware then before. I love understanding.
So - I still can change and for the better.
There's and I have hope in it.

#Reflection #throwback #Trauma #Crisis #time #Understanding #past #Memory #Pain #cry #Life #mind #pattern #backfired #Healing #Awareness #HealingProcess #exhaustion #Monster #illness #MentalHealth #growing #growth #Present #Hope #change #Grief #Energy

#growth #Standing #BreakingNewGround

Choose your present 💝 and rewrite your future!

You have the power!

We have the power!

#Rise #babysteps #Onethingatatime #shinebright #ChooseThisMoment

#Fear #conqueringfear #faceyourfears #afraid #growth

Hello, one of my goals in life has been to be a fluent quadralingual! My languages are in order: Dutch, English, Spanish and American Sign Language (ASL). In order to become a fluent quadralingual I am reading some of my favorite books side by side with the English version in Spanish and Dutch! #CheerMeOn #MightyTogether #challenges #growth #learning

I got a promotion on Monday. I’ve been overwhelmed since last year. I’m dreading being even more overwhelmed as I continue in this new role.

Every time that I take on more or earn new roles, I struggle. I talk to myself like I’m worthless. I treat myself badly and slip down this hole. I used to escape with suicide attempts and hospital stays. I don’t want to do that anymore.

This time, I’m looking to be a better friend to myself. I’m going to be kind and gracious, understanding and patient. All of the things that I aim to be with my staff, I will be with myself.

I can do this. I will be all of the things I want to be. I will be successful and gracious, kind and patient, understanding of myself and others. I can do it. I can do it! #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Success #promotion #growth #betterment #Selflove #Selfcare #Kindness