The last year and a half have really sucked for several reasons. I need to address some concerns for this sinister year of 2020. Here’s my weekly brain explosion.
(Quick backstory): I have Bipolar Disorder 1 with Psychotic Features, with some side dishes of ADHD, PTSD, and medication related disorders. I also have hypertension and have been on a waiting list for an endocrinologist after I gained an excessive amount of weight with no reason, so I’m more uncomfortable in my body than I ever have been. Everything is being treated well (minus the endocrinologist) and I’m at a most good combo to function okay. As we know, medical maintenance is like a strong bandaid where sometimes it come up when it’s time to change it and certain symptoms slip out until you’re patched up. I suspect some symptoms are getting worse, which is frustrating, but it goes with the package. I am a huge advocate for mental illness.
Issue #1 I’m terrified of this virus. I’m most afraid of it because I don’t want to pass it to my parents and grandmother that I live with. If I did that, I don’t know how I could live. I love and need my family. I’ve stayed in mostly. I’ve gone to a craft shop with my grandma, looking pretty fly with our masks and sanitizer. Crafts are saving my sanity. I can’t get into trouble with paint in my hands (unless it hits the rug somehow). It’s my healthy therapy. I went to one friend’s house maybe 3 times, with my same sexy sanitizer and mask. I stopped going because paranoia of what could happen.
Issue #2 I am a Special Education. I love my students, dearly. Summer time, with no pay days, it’s important that I get the summer school position. It helps because the summer is my enemy. I need to work, not as much for the cash, but because it buries me into an excrutiating bout of awful depression, which then skips maintance level, and soars into mania and whatever else desires to join the festivities. I’m pretty sure I’ve spent less than 20 days from when the COVID lock down started; the rest have been in my bed (with the exception of sneaky mania/also because they didn’t need me to work).
Issue #3 No one knows one bit of how we will return in the Fall to school. The 3 models that you can vote on scares me.I work in low income areas, little rough schools, so kids relay on a safe place with teachers who will let their brains grow while also having social emotional needs being met. I’m concerned of safety equipment, etc. I need to keep my kids safe, be respectful my team and I. One model includes livestream, How the hell do I teach when I know someone’s spying on me? The NSA stealing my hair again? I have no closet to scream, cry, rip a descrete part of my door out to use for safety, and ear plugs with savory biotin. They’ll never be able to empathize and they’ll send me away for a nonsensical reason.
#4 TL;DR Paranoia is real. Depression is suffocating. Thank you for reading. <3 #PsychoticEpisodes #Paranoia #Anxiety #Overspending 3>