psychotic episodes

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While delusional or experiencing other psychotic symptoms is it still considered a delusion if you feel you are still in control of your mind?

#SchizoaffectiveDisorder #BipolarDisorder #PsychoticEpisodes Every time I’ve experienced these types of symptoms I still feel in control of my mind. Example; I know that there are no dinosaurs around my town to go hunt for/look at… BUT I still want to just to see/I want to go just cause. Another example; I am freaking the fuck out and all of a sudden freeze and don’t respond to my partner. I feel I am aware and hear him and see things and I feel I can “unfreeze” at any moment. I’m just doing this cause I want to. Like I feel cognitively aware that what I’m thinking or doing is weird or looks symptomatic but really I am still in control and can choose to continue or not continue in the symptom/action.

What does this sound like? I feel very confused whether to take these moments seriously or is my brain just fucking around.


Depths of hell #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #PsychoticEpisodes #Helpmefight

“Im sorry you’re feeling down— let’s reschedule” -My Professor. He’s so kind and understanding and I really enjoy having him as a professor but this makes it clear he has no idea what it’s like to have BPD. Its a bad day— meaning I’m in the depths of hell and I can’t get out. Im freaking out so bad. At first I was laying on the floor and couldn’t come up with a reason to get up and then I saw a spider (not sure if it was real or not) and now I can’t help but feel bugs everywhere. There are voices whispering horrible things about me and there is a tiny gremlin inside my brain swinging a hammer around and around and around. And I want to throw up. And cut. And take all my sleeping pills. Anything to make it stop. But I live with my boyfriend. He’s not home right now but I love him very much and DO NOT want him to come home and find me like that. So I won’t. But it doesn’t change the fact that I really want to. Why did this professors words of kindness and an attempt to understand set me off so much?

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Beginning of #PsychoticEpisodes

I've been furloughed from a job I started 3/17/2020. They closed the venue and I'd only had a week on the job. It started up again last week. I'm hoping to get only 10-15hrs a week. All i can handle.

It wasn't last week, when I started, but this second week that my #Psychosis started to kick in. More bumps and creaks all around me, insects flittering past, flowing textured surfaces,  #Depersonalization , slow thinking, off-balance, jittery all the time, staccato speech,  #Paranoia .  This has all been creeping in. I'm terrified that I'll get fired because it would be a terribly difficult conversation to tell them that I'm disabled and protected - then they'd have to keep me on but won't trust me anymore.

My thoughts are that I'll just have to see where this goes. I've already reached out to my wife, my mother, close friends, and my therapist. Things are going to be okay; even if I lose the job, I'll still survive. I just don't want to be so dang uncomfortable in my head 100% of the time.

Anyone else relate?


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Hurricane Corona with a Side of Salty Uncertainty

The last year and a half have really sucked for several reasons. I need to address some concerns for this sinister year of 2020. Here’s my weekly brain explosion.

(Quick backstory): I have Bipolar Disorder 1 with Psychotic Features, with some side dishes of ADHD, PTSD, and medication related disorders. I also have hypertension and have been on a waiting list for an endocrinologist after I gained an excessive amount of weight with no reason, so I’m more uncomfortable in my body than I ever have been. Everything is being treated well (minus the endocrinologist) and I’m at a most good combo to function okay. As we know, medical maintenance is like a strong bandaid where sometimes it come up when it’s time to change it and certain symptoms slip out until you’re patched up. I suspect some symptoms are getting worse, which is frustrating, but it goes with the package. I am a huge advocate for mental illness.

Issue #1 I’m terrified of this virus. I’m most afraid of it because I don’t want to pass it to my parents and grandmother that I live with. If I did that, I don’t know how I could live. I love and need my family. I’ve stayed in mostly. I’ve gone to a craft shop with my grandma, looking pretty fly with our masks and sanitizer. Crafts are saving my sanity. I can’t get into trouble with paint in my hands (unless it hits the rug somehow). It’s my healthy therapy. I went to one friend’s house maybe 3 times, with my same sexy sanitizer and mask. I stopped going because paranoia of what could happen.

Issue #2 I am a Special Education. I love my students, dearly. Summer time, with no pay days, it’s important that I get the summer school position. It helps because the summer is my enemy. I need to work, not as much for the cash, but because it buries me into an excrutiating bout of awful depression, which then skips maintance level, and soars into mania and whatever else desires to join the festivities. I’m pretty sure I’ve spent less than 20 days from when the COVID lock down started; the rest have been in my bed (with the exception of sneaky mania/also because they didn’t need me to work).

Issue #3 No one knows one bit of how we will return in the Fall to school. The 3 models that you can vote on scares me.I work in low income areas, little rough schools, so kids relay on a safe place with teachers who will let their brains grow while also having social emotional needs being met. I’m concerned of safety equipment, etc. I need to keep my kids safe, be respectful my team and I. One model includes livestream, How the hell do I teach when I know someone’s spying on me? The NSA stealing my hair again? I have no closet to scream, cry, rip a descrete part of my door out to use for safety, and ear plugs with savory biotin. They’ll never be able to empathize and they’ll send me away for a nonsensical reason.

#4 TL;DR Paranoia is real. Depression is suffocating. Thank you for reading. <3 #PsychoticEpisodes #Paranoia #Anxiety #Overspending

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Be kind to yourself

You are not your mental illness. You HAVE mental illness. It is your affliction , not your identity. Don't hate nor be angry at yourself because of it. Don't be fooled. Your heart really determines your identity & your worth. As Joyce Meyers says, "it's in your "who" , not in your "do". #mentalillnesses #Depression #Schizophrenia #SchizoaffectiveDisorder #BipolarDisorder #PsychoticEpisodes #Selfworth #joycemeyers